thesis help., i need help with a US history thesis for a DBQ Options

[smashedcodes]

I have to do a DBQ (document based Question)

and I always have trouble with coming up with a thesis.
either I have no thesis or it isn't stated right.

I just wanted some input to see if I have a proper thesis and if not
some suggestions on how i can improve it.

The question is...

It was the strength of the opposition forces, both liberal and conservative, rather than the ineptitude and stubbornness of President Wilson that led to the Senate defeat of the Treaty of Versailles.

Using the documents and your knowledge of the period 1917-1921, assess the vailidity of this statement.

Ok and my thesis (or attempt at thesis) is..

Wilson's own stubborness and ineptitude led to the senate defeat of the Treaty of Versailles. Most of the senate just wanted to make some revisions to the treaty. Wilson's stubborness didn't allow the revisions to be made and the treaty went unsigned.

[MissHygienic]

Wilson's own stubborness and ineptitude led to the senate defeat of the Treaty of Versailles. Most of the senate just wanted to make some revisions to the treaty. Wilson's stubborness didn't allow the revisions to be made and the treaty went unsigned.

Eh, I don't know what grade you're in, but simple, short sentences piss me off because it sounds fifth grade-esque. Use some compound sentences, and try not to use, "Wilson" all of the time. This is an extremely poor thesis for such a topic.

Why do I care about the other senates? It doesn't flow with your sentence. His stubborness led to the defeat of Treaty of Versailles and didn't allow the revisions to be made to it. Why are you separating them into two sentences?

Also, theses aren't rephrasing the question. That would be a topic sentence.