Createblog Diary, Version 11. Options

[stephinika]

Dear cB diary,

It's my birthday in a week. I'm so freaking excited. I really hope it turns out as I plan it to be...I'm just so damned paranoid not enough people will give me their money for the bus! Ack. I need a few more still but oh well. In the meantime, school is keeping me busy (yet here I am on cB venting) ... so many projects! Its crunch time and that's not cool. Seriously. I just want it all done, done, done and for my birthday and Christmas break to just get here already.

[AngelinaTaylor]

Dear cB diary:

You know the saying "no pain no gain"? It's complete bullshit. When it comes to love anyway. How the hell can you gain anything if you're in agony? It only harms you. The pain is so great, I can feel it in my fingertips. It hurts to even think about all the other possibilities. I could've been happy. Things could've been different - a lot different actually. And every time I see a couple, my heart breaks a little. Because nobody's EVER called me a girlfriend. Never. Ever. Even though I've been with a number of guys (5?6? I lost count), and one "relationship" lasted for more than a year (well - this one's been more than a year too). I've been "this girl I'm casually seeing", "a girl I met", "my friend", "this girl", but I was never a girlfriend.. and I don't quite understand why. Like in this case. Why? Maybe I'm too young (after all, 9 years IS a difference)? Maybe because I'm white? Pursuing a dead-end career, and therefore not good enough? Or I'm not as smart as any of his friends? I mean come on. Who am I? A student, and for my part time job, a waitress. Not a very ideal girlfriend. Maybe I'm not fun.. maybe I don't have a great sense of humour.. maybe I'm ugly or fat.. maybe I'm actually a terrible musician and he doesn't want to be associated with me? I have no freakin' clue.

One thing I've learned is that you should never, eeever make someone a priority. An absolute priority, that is. Because with time, things will change and you will remain only an option for them, if not something less. And that's not something enjoyable. I hate the fact that I always expect each relationship to be something different, but it all ends up being the same, and you wish you never met that person. Why can't I accept the fact that maybe I'm just not one of these lucky people and move on, without having expectations? Anniversaries, acknowledgements, birthdays, being cared for/loved and all that fancy stuff is obviously not something for me. Why do I keep wasting my time with people who frankly don't really give a shit? I try and try to make myself apathetic and distant and cold but it never works.

This is by far the one that's hurt most. It somehow beats the relationships with cheating, abuse and more cheating. I don't know why. But hopefully I can just move on with my life and never fall in love again.