down the road, not accross the street Options

[*Elba*]

What is your favorite sex position?

Mine is missionary cause I can just lie there... like a "dead fish" as some people say.

[Rachel]

My friend posted this on FB:

Alright men, this article goes out to you. Don't get me wrong. I do know that there are some men out there (the number is very limited) who are actually extremely amazing beneath the sheets, and in more than one way possible. However, this is not the majority of men. Moreover, I would also like to stress that I believe it is quite important that a woman know how to give good head and all of that. On the contrary, no one ever seems to write how to work the down under areas of a woman. So, here goes. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Ladies, f**king preach it.

The Clitoris
It is inherent that one must start an article about sexually pleasing a woman with the subtitle, "Clitoris". Most men know what the clitoris is. They can find it and all that (it really isn't like finding Jesus.) However, what could is a f**king stick-shift if you can't drive it?? About as good as having a clitoris if no one can please it right. Gentleman, f**king pay attention. The clit is NOT a f**king gameshow buzzer. You do not smush it down as hard as you can and wait for a response (from the girl, the people watching, or the camera man. tee hee). There are so many nerve endings down there. When you are smushing it into our pubic bone in a valiant but failed attempt to turn us on, it's not going to f**king work. In fact, we may punch you in the face. On the other hand, do not be so f**king gentle that we cannot feel a thing. I always say that there should be a happy medium. And although you men don't like asking for directions, ask us what we like! We may just f**king tell you. It will save us both a lot of time and embarrassment, and we won't think of Jeopardy every time you are in our pants. Also, might I add, that when you are going down on us, it is perfectly fine for you to explore new techniques. Do not, and i repeat DO NOT, however, lick our entire pubic region like an ice cream cone. If you want some ice cream, get the f**k out of my bed and find a Baskin Robbins (they've got all the flavors, except vagina.)

Nipples
All women have breasts (although they may be lacking in that area). Regardless, breasts have nipples. All women know that men enjoy playing with nipples. We fully support that. However, nipples also have a shitload of nerve ending. You need to be gentle with the. A nibble here and there is great. A light bite is grand. Your tongue is wonderful! Please note, however, that is it not a f**king turnon when you play with our nipples (and our breasts), like you are trying to get free f**king HBO or XM radio. Do not twist your hands in awkward directions. No not twist our nipples like radio knobs. Do not pull them so far out that it would be possible to pierce them with a f**king headband. SHIT IS SENSITIVE. RESPECT THE BOOBIES!

Sexual Intercourse
Sexual intercourse. More formally known as f**king, banging, slapping skin, throwing her the hot meat injection. The f**king Mercedes McLaren SLR of sexual intimacy. Now, where do I begin? Let us start with missionary. Missionary is an amazing experience, and all women enjoy it. However, missionary is involved with the male doing the work. Thus, if you are the male on top, and you are starting to sweat and develop significant Charlie Horses, please, let us just sit on your dick and bounce up and down. Particularly, in this area of my article, I would like to point out doggy style. Men are f**king obsessed with doggy style. They can grab your ass. They've got you in their clutches. They are the f**king kings when railing from behind. I would like to point out, however, that doggy style is completely imperson. It is not romantic or passionate at all. If I wanted to get f**ked like a dog, I would join a brothel somewhere. Most women, however, have learned that they must deal with this degrading position all too off. Now, I've going to throw out some anatomy for you kids. A woman's cervix is only generally five inches away from her vaginal opening. Most men have pensises much longer than five inches (if you don't, I'm so incredibly sorry for you.) This also means that in doggy style, the female body is perfectly positioned for your giant cock to ram into our cervix. I will tell you that, as a woman, there is nothing more f**king painful than getting the shit raped out of your cervix. If you have somehow convinced us to get onto all fours, be f**king gentle. We will flip around so fast that you won't know what to do with yourself.

Anal
This shall be my last category for this afternoon. Anal is off limits. It does not matter how drunk we are. We could have just done a line off of a strippers ass (similar to Neil Patrick Harris' role in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.) Under all circumstances, anal is a no. We do not want you to go anywhere near our ass. We will never let you try it. Not even the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels. This also includes that we are completely against rim jobs of any kind.

Men, LEARN IT. LIVE IT. LOVE IT. f**k IT.