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[wishforhelsinki]

This is just something that helped me cope. It's not to entertain really, but I felt good afterward and wanted to keep it somewhere I could find it again. AH. Just don't bring a girl down.



Cady is everything. He's the slightest hint of blue in the gray skies, the winter sun shining through a misted window, the light wind blowing in the grass. He's something too beautiful to be taken for granted or ignored. He's the tragedy in a perfect movie, the torn wallpaper in an abandoned house, the scratches on a public bathroom mirror. He's a sudden wreck you're dying to be part of. It doesn't matter what he is. It doesn't matter who he is. All you know is that he's your share of the better part of the world. The luminescence through the flaws. And you feel lighter than the grain drops of water floating in the sky when you're with him. Because Cady made me feel like I could melt away with him in the pictures that he painted for me made him everything. It made him bigger than the world. There wasn't a heaven parallel to him. His eyes, his smile, his voice, his touch, was salvation enough. And that's as close as I can get to describing Cady and you'll still only have a glimpse of him.

"Look," he said softly.
I followed his finger pointing to a single dandelion. He crawled over to it and picked it out from the dirt gently and sat back down next to me. I can't explain how he did it. It sounds so awkward in a sentence, but watching him was magical. And I found myself smiling thoughtfully at his grace.
"Here, make a wish with me," he took my hand and held out the dandelion in between us. I tightened my fingers around his and leaned on his shoulder, blowing dreamily on the white, weed plant.
Cady turned to me, brushing my hair with his lips and whispered, "What'd you wish for?"
"Forever."
The wind had picked up then and took the feathery seeds with it in the air. We watched it for a minute, letting our spirits fly away with them. I felt his lips on my head again, this time kissing the top of it.
And as if it was all a scene we were playing and a dialogue we were speaking, he said, "Forever will come true."

I think it's the way he sings, it's like nothing else you've heard. Of course, you hear the strings of a guitar being strummed, and his lips form the lyrics in your mind, but he's different. He makes you listen to the words. And without that guitar, you'd never know he could sing a whole song by himself and create the music from the within the words. That's what he does. And as I spent the rest of my afternoon with him, his voice carried me through until night. Even as I tucked myself into the sheets of the bed, no longer mine, for Cady was only in the present and worth leaving this room and everything before him behind, I could still hear his voice. Slurring subtly, almost mumbling to me in my sleep, If you want to leave, just let me know and I can tell you one more time, the truth...I'll know I was at fault here, but my shame won't be afraid...So with my deepest regards, I mean this...

It's the song that's been stuck with me for months. Cutting through my limbs so I can't escape. I wonder if he remembers them. If he remembers who he's singing them to. I think so...I think he could. But maybe he doesn't want to. I think he always knew in his heart the real truth. I'd never leave him. Saying goodbye was never a choice for me. And it's possible, I believe, that even today, with him so far away, that truth is still in him. And he never thought it possible till it happened. But since it happened, there was no speak of it. There couldn't be a speak of it. He was right when he said shame wouldn't be afraid. But it wasn't his shame that pulled through, he didn't have any. It was mine. And I was struggling with it, hanging in my heart, causing me to stumble on every step I took. I didn't mind though, I had to keep going, even when he brought me to tears. I couldn't just let him leave me like that. Not this way. It was a story that should be left to the hills in Hollywood to be found and told on the screen. Not in my life.

[wishforhelsinki]

Thank you, I didn't think anyone would care to say something about this.