Well, I'm going to post one of mine..., (Holly you can read and post if you like) Options

[*Uronacid*]

Well here's whats up... This is my piont of veiw... not Holly's, I guess I really don't know Holly's, but I'm searching for advice... I don't care if she sees me talking about the situation, because I guess we don't personally know anyone, and really I'm just looking for advice because I just want our relationship to be better. I will think about all the advice you guys give me, and argue with you to find out wether you r advice is good or not. Everything is appriciated. So, if she does get angery (which I don't think she will). She'll only be getting mad at me for trying to make things better... and that doesn't ake any sense... O_o *sigh* I think to much. I know many of you are going to tell me I'm an a-hole... if that's the case, I don't mind. The only think I ask is that you tell me how you all think that I could make the situation better.

First I'll give you a little backround on me:

I am Josh:
-I am 20.
-I am wild.
-I do crazy things all the time. Like dance, get drunk, go out of the house for weeks at a time spending the night atfter night at friends house after friends house.
-I have a job, and I make about $500 every two weeks.
-I work part time but only because I goto college at ITT (mid-qway through my second year.), and keep my grades at an 80 or higher (50% of my grades are 4.0's).
-I have 3 speeding tickets, a cell phone ticket, and I know my lawyer very very well....
-I'm very laid back, nothing has to be perfect for me, but I would like it to be good.
-I'm a big thinker. I anaylize everything, and think abotu everything to fines possible detail that I can come up with.
-I try to think out side the box, and understand everything about everything.
-I'm impacient, but Holly has deffinitly turned me into a more pacient person.
-I tend to talk down to people... but I don't do it on purpose.
-I'm extremely an quick thinker. I think so friggin fast, but I love people that make my thoughts freeze.
-I love it when people prove me wrong, or when people say things that shut me up because I realize how wrong I am.



Well, anyways... here's what I'm stressing about:

Oct, 3rd 2005 was the first day we had ever talked to eachother. I don't know... well, it was kind of special to me. I guess I was expecting to talk to her for a little bit at least. Almost like a happy birthday phone call, and then let her go if she was doing something... I called her and left her a nice voice mail, "I love you, and *something about it being one year adn that I was happy*... have a great day. :D". I called her up at about 4:00PM, to see if she had gotten home from school... but there was no answer. So, I was like... oh well, she's probably doing something. I waited, went out with some friends, and called her at about 6:00PM... no answer... alright, w/e... probably still busy, but I was really excited. So I went and played some games with my friend and watched some movies with my family, and called her at about 10:00PM... still no answer, but I guess I was getting dissapionted... I figured she fell asleep, but it only made me feel worse because I felt like she didn't care. It made me think, Maybe, it's not a big deal.. maybe I shoudln't have cared so much. I got a little bit worried, and though to myself... God, I'm calling her like a maniac... I shouldn't have called her so much... I stoped and thought to myself some more. I thought about this thing that one of my co-workers said to me. If you love just call her... if she loves you and your freaking out abotu something and you need to talk, she'll understand I decided to call one more time, but I would wait until it was late. It was about 12:00am and I decided to call one more time. I left a voice mail... and said, "Good night, Sweet Dreams, I love you."... I decided to call one more time, and then she picked up. She sounded tired, and said, "Oh, hey... I was sleeping..." I told her I only wanted to say good night, said it, and let her go. I felt bad for waking her up. I played some more games with my friend Jake, and went to bed.

I didn't realize how it had effected me until the next day, when I just let her call me. I was kinda quiet. She kept asking me what was wrong, and I told her nothing was wrong.... I just wanted to get over it because I felt as if I was being completely rediculous. I was afraid that if I told her, she would sit there and not say anything after I said everything. There is nothing that hurts more than saying how you feel and having someone not say anything back. I told her how I felt, and she said, "Well, don't worry about it. Just tell me."...

I told her I felt stupid. I felt like I expected to talk to her and I felt dumb for expecting that. I know that it may have been more important to me than it was to her, and that I felt as if I had only let myself down.

Now, if you know me, you would realize that if you say something. I will always say something back, and if I don't say something back when I'm hurtin it usually means that you said the right thing. I'm also mean...

She replied, "Well, I wanted to talk to you"
I said, "Then why didn't you call?"
She said, "I was mowing the lawn, I was tired... and I went to bed."
I said, "That shows how much you wanted to."
I know that wasn't right... ugh, why the hell did I just say that.
Her,"Well, I didn't think it wasn't important."
Me, "Well, if it was important then why didn't you return my call."


So, after I said that... she was completely quiet... I know what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear her say something like, "Hey, I'm sorry... I didn't know, I love you." Maybe not in those words, but I knew that if she said that... It would make me instantly better. I sat there on the phone and didn't say anything for a while.

"Well?", She said
"What? I already told you how I feel", I said
"What are you thinking?", She replied.
"I didn't want this to happen... that's why I wasn't going to tell you..."

*silent*

I started to get frustrated, and whated to go because it was so quiet... the silence was killing me... "I have to go, silence doesn't help... I'm sorry..."

"Ok...", in a whimpery kind of voice.

Ugh... she's sad... I shouldn't go, if I go she'll probably just feel like I don't care... DAM IT!

I sat on the phone...

"Why aren't you going?", again in the tiny voice.

*silence*

"I want to end this on a good note... What are you thinking?"

*silence*

I was starting to get annoyed to I said: "I told you what I was thinking... so, cmon, it's only fair... tell me what your thinking..."

"I'm not you."

I replied, "Well, yeah, but it was difficult for m to say what I said.... but I sucked it up and said it. I told you how I feel."

"I'm makeing a descision."

"What are you asking yourself?"

"I can't tell you..."

"Does it have anything to do with me?"

"Yeah, but mostly it has to do with me..."

"Yeah, well most of the descisions I make about our relationship have to do with mostly me... I mean, I can't make descisions for you...", if that makes sense... Maybe, I'm a typical guy. Ugh...

I faught for a while trying to find out what the descision was... frustrated... I asked her if she felt overwhelmed and if she wanted a break. She asked me what a break was. I told her, "It's a period of time where you would be able to think about things without me influencing your descisions.". She told me she didn't want to. She's afriad I want a break, I thought to myself. "Well, I don't need a break. I'm jsut asking if you want want one. I just feel like you're so overwhelmed, and you may want one." She replied with a simple, "no."

I was so frustrated and confused. So, decided to ask if she was questioning our relationship. She said that she wasn't. Keep in mind, I wasn't happy... I was in a really bad mood, and I didn't sound very happy either.

I was so annoyed... God, I was going insane in my head... silence makes me absolutley nuts... My mind thinks at warp speed, and I have no idea how to control it. Silence only makes it worse.

If I'm in a good mood it makes me think abotu good things... If I'm in a bad mood it makes me think about bad things... It's a plague. At times it's so bad that I literaly avoid reading Holly's posts because I'll just get upset if I'm in a bad mood. After a while, it was just rediculous... we are both tottally different people on CB. It's weird, I see her post her thoughts and feelings about issues, and it just makes me more frustrated because I sit there and think... How can she say that when she doesn't practice that herself!!! So, I jsut avoid reading things when I'm mad at her... It's better for the both of us I think.

Anyways, she said, "You sound tired, you should goto bed..."
I told her, "I'm not tired, don't pin this on me... if you want to goto bed... then goto bed."
She says, "Well, can I goto bed?"
I say, "Sure... I would rather just fight this out though. It's not my descision. I can only move if you move."
"Well, good night..."

I stop her, and say," Before you goto bed, I'm not calling you tomarrow. Not because I don't want to talk to you, but I want to giv you a break if you need it. If you don't want to call or talk to me. That's fine. If you want to talk to me. That's fine too. It's entirely up to you. I don't need a break, but you seem really over whelmed so. This is what I'm doing. Next time you call me... I'm going to ask you about this friggin question."

We exchange good-nights, I-love-you's, and goto bed...

The next day she calls me at about 9:00PM, I'm dropping my friend of at his house, and I can't talk right now. I tell her I love her, and I tell her I'll cal her in a little bit. I think it's rude to talk to someone on the phone while you're at someone's house. So, about 30-45 minutes later I call her on the way home. I talk for a while, jokeing around and such. I told her I was going to ask her so I was true to my word. She ignores the fact that I said anything and starts talking about some thing asking me if I can relate to it. I really didn't know what she was talking about, but I wanted to understand so I said. "Well, I don't know... either I'm just not understanding or you have to explain it in a way so that I can understand." It really seemed like she was beeting around the bush. Like something had happened in real life, but she was making up all this hypothetical situations just to avoid telling me the truth. So, I came out and said, "Look, rather than telling me all these hypothetical situations... why don't you just tell me what really happened?"

"I can't."

I instantly feel the burn. I'm so frustrated... NOT AGAIN... GOD DON'T DO THIS AGAIN

I calmly say, "Why not?"

"I don't want you to think anything."

That make's so frustrated because I feel as if she would just tell me in the first place, without thinking abotu it. Then I wouldn't think about it because she wouldn't be leading on like it was a big deal or anything.

We end up getting into a fight similar to the other one... it lasts abotu an hour.... and I end up telling her, "look... don't call me until you're willing to talk to me about both of those things... I'm so sick of you bringing things up and droping them. It's so annoying. If your going to bring something up, then talk about. I'm serious, it really bothers me, I'm not caling you either. If it takes a week, I don't care, if it takes 2 weeks I don't care. I'm sick of this. You do it way to much. I feel like I hit a brick wall when I'm in a conversation."

I feel like I messed up, but I will not call... I will hold true to my word. What do I do...

What I want:
Man... I guess I jsut have no idea what's going on... I wish I knew so it wasn't so scarey

[***Lucy**]

Oh, Josh.. I'm really sorry you guys ain't talking right now..

Look, I understand Holly. She reminds me of myself cause most of the times I never talk to anyone about my feelings. not even to my brother. I don't have many friends. I feel safe when i don't talk about my felings and I post my probs here in cb cause i do prefer writin about how I feel rather than talking

Josh you ain't gonna change her. I mean I understand that you are apparently the talkative one or better the one that talks about his feelings. But u should try to accept that Holly is different from you. She's not like you.

It's not that she doesn't wanna tell you about her feelings. It's just that she finds it very difficult. I'm used to keep most of my feelings inside me. Whenever I decide to open up I find it extremely difficult. This is probably what also happens to Holly. She really does wanna talk to you about her feelings and this thing she was trying to ask you. But she can't. Not because she doesn't care about you or she doesn't find it important. But she's not used to talk about how she feels.

You know, it's extremely difficult for a "quiet" person to start talking about how she/he feels. You can't understand it because you are used to open about the way u feel. But honestly if u aren't used to doing this, you can't start out of the blue sharing your problems with the others.

Have you guys ever seen her post anything in the relationships thread? I know I havn't. She doesn't tell anyone how she feels. She keeps it to herself no matter what... and it makes me nuts...

- I've tried acting like I don't care.

- I've tried not worrying about it

- I've tried journals.

- I've tried making things even by not telling her how I feel.

- I've tried using logic.

- I've tired just plain getting off the phone when I'm feeling like she's going to doit again.

- I've tried just playing telling her, "LOOK YOU HAVE TO TALK!"

- I've tried telling her that she needs to use her voice in the relationship.

- I've tried playing "opening up" games.

^Nope! none of these will help her cause she knows you are pressing her to talk and you ain't being patient. Screaming to her"TALK!", Doesn't help

You have to show her how much you love her.

And now I know you must be thinking: But are you crazy Lucy????I tell her I love her 123465756377876 times a day"

Yes, but when she's trying to open up, even using hypothetical situations, just be patient. Don't be like: Leave hypothetical situations and tell me what you really wanna tell me.
It makes her afraid.

Whenever my brother says exactly the same things to me u told her, it makes me feel unsafe. I even think that if i open up he'll overeact and I will lose him. So just try to place yourself in her place for 1 minute. I know u really can't do this as you always talk about the way you feel but try.

Be calm, be protective, don't try to make her talkative and don't try get her used to talk about her feelings. Just whenever she feels like she wants to tell u sth, give her time. Let her ask u in a hypothetical way (it really helps me when i do this). Make her feel safe when she wants to talk to you about sth. Don't get frustrated, remain calm Josh.

When she says "I can't " she really can't. She ain't kidding she's ain't doing this to piss u off. SHE DOES FIND IT DIFFICULT. Be patient. If you show her with your actions( remain patient and calm, not being frustrated, not press her) that she really can feel safe when she has to talk to you about her feelings she will gradually start to talk to you more.

err.. That thing you told her that u won't call her again if she doesn't call you and tell u the thing she wanted to...

We end up getting into a fight similar to the other one... it lasts abotu an hour.... and I end up telling her, "look... don't call me until you're willing to talk to me about both of those things... I'm so sick of you bringing things up and droping them. It's so annoying. If your going to bring something up, then talk about. I'm serious, it really bothers me, I'm not caling you either. If it takes a week, I don't care, if it takes 2 weeks I don't care. I'm sick of this. You do it way to much. I feel like I hit a brick wall when I'm in a conversation."

Josh, you shouldn't have told her that! You proved her right. She was afraid to talk to you about sth and the thing you did was to tell her alright if you don't tell me i won't call u again..

You talked to her like she was doing that on purpose. She wasn't. We, people that can't talk easily about our feelings feel even more badly when the others accuse us of doing this on purose. Imean it hurts..

Now, she thinks that she was right she didn't want to tell you. You only know that she wanted to tell you sth and you because she really couldn't you were pissed off. I MEAN THAT PROBABLY MADE HER ThINK: god, why i ever decided to open up? Now Josh isn't talking to me.

So she probably thinks that she'd better had never mentioned to u what she was thinking..

Give her time, accept that she's not like u when it comes to talk about the way she feels, make her feel safe and just give her time.

I hope I helped u a tiny bit -if not then sorry for posting such a huge reply..

I know many of you are going to tell me I'm an a-hole...

-No way, Josh!

(Ps: if sth like thishappens again and u are sad u could Pm me, i mean i know why she doesn't open up, i can feel her, so if u need help feel free to ask me)

[oXMuhNirvanaXo]

Look, I understand Holly. She reminds me of myself cause most of the times I never talk to anyone about my feelings. not even to my brother. I don't have many friends. I feel safe when i don't talk about my felings and I post my probs here in cb cause i do prefer writin about how I feel rather than talking

Josh you ain't gonna change her. I mean I understand that you are apparently the talkative one or better the one that talks about his feelings. But u should try to accept that Holly is different from you. She's not like you.

I would have to agree with this. I am not good with sharing my feelings to anyone also. I once tryed talking to a friend about my worrys and she told me not to worry about it when I know I just would. That's just the kind of person I am. I think for the worst of things. My glass is always half empty. Somtimes I get really depressed because of this. Eh, It's somthing I just have to deal with I guess. I also would have to agree with the silence is not the answer... It makes everything just awkward and more confusing and it really makes me stressed. I would never beable to hang up with some one angry because I would be up all night thinking about the problem.. How I could make things better. Some times I get so sick of things that I do think of leaving the person I love but then I think deeper down and ask my self if I really could do that. Can I live with out this person in my life at the point in time. That is why I am still with the boy I have been with this hole year.

I would also have to agree with the point that you cant change a person and their ways. Everyone is diffrent in their own way. But it seems like you understand this. It is a good idea to get your thoughst and feelings out in the open by saying somthing on cb. You should tell her to send you a long ass email telling you what is going on and expain everything so you don't take anything the wrong way. Tell her how you feel and what not. Maybe this will show how much you both mean to eathother and help make things better in some sort of way. That is the best I can think of.

Good luck <3