Well, I'm going to post one of mine..., (Holly you can read and post if you like) Options

[*Uronacid*]

Well here's whats up... This is my piont of veiw... not Holly's, I guess I really don't know Holly's, but I'm searching for advice... I don't care if she sees me talking about the situation, because I guess we don't personally know anyone, and really I'm just looking for advice because I just want our relationship to be better. I will think about all the advice you guys give me, and argue with you to find out wether you r advice is good or not. Everything is appriciated. So, if she does get angery (which I don't think she will). She'll only be getting mad at me for trying to make things better... and that doesn't ake any sense... O_o *sigh* I think to much. I know many of you are going to tell me I'm an a-hole... if that's the case, I don't mind. The only think I ask is that you tell me how you all think that I could make the situation better.

First I'll give you a little backround on me:

I am Josh:
-I am 20.
-I am wild.
-I do crazy things all the time. Like dance, get drunk, go out of the house for weeks at a time spending the night atfter night at friends house after friends house.
-I have a job, and I make about $500 every two weeks.
-I work part time but only because I goto college at ITT (mid-qway through my second year.), and keep my grades at an 80 or higher (50% of my grades are 4.0's).
-I have 3 speeding tickets, a cell phone ticket, and I know my lawyer very very well....
-I'm very laid back, nothing has to be perfect for me, but I would like it to be good.
-I'm a big thinker. I anaylize everything, and think abotu everything to fines possible detail that I can come up with.
-I try to think out side the box, and understand everything about everything.
-I'm impacient, but Holly has deffinitly turned me into a more pacient person.
-I tend to talk down to people... but I don't do it on purpose.
-I'm extremely an quick thinker. I think so friggin fast, but I love people that make my thoughts freeze.
-I love it when people prove me wrong, or when people say things that shut me up because I realize how wrong I am.



Well, anyways... here's what I'm stressing about:

Oct, 3rd 2005 was the first day we had ever talked to eachother. I don't know... well, it was kind of special to me. I guess I was expecting to talk to her for a little bit at least. Almost like a happy birthday phone call, and then let her go if she was doing something... I called her and left her a nice voice mail, "I love you, and *something about it being one year adn that I was happy*... have a great day. :D". I called her up at about 4:00PM, to see if she had gotten home from school... but there was no answer. So, I was like... oh well, she's probably doing something. I waited, went out with some friends, and called her at about 6:00PM... no answer... alright, w/e... probably still busy, but I was really excited. So I went and played some games with my friend and watched some movies with my family, and called her at about 10:00PM... still no answer, but I guess I was getting dissapionted... I figured she fell asleep, but it only made me feel worse because I felt like she didn't care. It made me think, Maybe, it's not a big deal.. maybe I shoudln't have cared so much. I got a little bit worried, and though to myself... God, I'm calling her like a maniac... I shouldn't have called her so much... I stoped and thought to myself some more. I thought about this thing that one of my co-workers said to me. If you love just call her... if she loves you and your freaking out abotu something and you need to talk, she'll understand I decided to call one more time, but I would wait until it was late. It was about 12:00am and I decided to call one more time. I left a voice mail... and said, "Good night, Sweet Dreams, I love you."... I decided to call one more time, and then she picked up. She sounded tired, and said, "Oh, hey... I was sleeping..." I told her I only wanted to say good night, said it, and let her go. I felt bad for waking her up. I played some more games with my friend Jake, and went to bed.

I didn't realize how it had effected me until the next day, when I just let her call me. I was kinda quiet. She kept asking me what was wrong, and I told her nothing was wrong.... I just wanted to get over it because I felt as if I was being completely rediculous. I was afraid that if I told her, she would sit there and not say anything after I said everything. There is nothing that hurts more than saying how you feel and having someone not say anything back. I told her how I felt, and she said, "Well, don't worry about it. Just tell me."...

I told her I felt stupid. I felt like I expected to talk to her and I felt dumb for expecting that. I know that it may have been more important to me than it was to her, and that I felt as if I had only let myself down.

Now, if you know me, you would realize that if you say something. I will always say something back, and if I don't say something back when I'm hurtin it usually means that you said the right thing. I'm also mean...

She replied, "Well, I wanted to talk to you"
I said, "Then why didn't you call?"
She said, "I was mowing the lawn, I was tired... and I went to bed."
I said, "That shows how much you wanted to."
I know that wasn't right... ugh, why the hell did I just say that.
Her,"Well, I didn't think it wasn't important."
Me, "Well, if it was important then why didn't you return my call."


So, after I said that... she was completely quiet... I know what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear her say something like, "Hey, I'm sorry... I didn't know, I love you." Maybe not in those words, but I knew that if she said that... It would make me instantly better. I sat there on the phone and didn't say anything for a while.

"Well?", She said
"What? I already told you how I feel", I said
"What are you thinking?", She replied.
"I didn't want this to happen... that's why I wasn't going to tell you..."

*silent*

I started to get frustrated, and whated to go because it was so quiet... the silence was killing me... "I have to go, silence doesn't help... I'm sorry..."

"Ok...", in a whimpery kind of voice.

Ugh... she's sad... I shouldn't go, if I go she'll probably just feel like I don't care... DAM IT!

I sat on the phone...

"Why aren't you going?", again in the tiny voice.

*silence*

"I want to end this on a good note... What are you thinking?"

*silence*

I was starting to get annoyed to I said: "I told you what I was thinking... so, cmon, it's only fair... tell me what your thinking..."

"I'm not you."

I replied, "Well, yeah, but it was difficult for m to say what I said.... but I sucked it up and said it. I told you how I feel."

"I'm makeing a descision."

"What are you asking yourself?"

"I can't tell you..."

"Does it have anything to do with me?"

"Yeah, but mostly it has to do with me..."

"Yeah, well most of the descisions I make about our relationship have to do with mostly me... I mean, I can't make descisions for you...", if that makes sense... Maybe, I'm a typical guy. Ugh...

I faught for a while trying to find out what the descision was... frustrated... I asked her if she felt overwhelmed and if she wanted a break. She asked me what a break was. I told her, "It's a period of time where you would be able to think about things without me influencing your descisions.". She told me she didn't want to. She's afriad I want a break, I thought to myself. "Well, I don't need a break. I'm jsut asking if you want want one. I just feel like you're so overwhelmed, and you may want one." She replied with a simple, "no."

I was so frustrated and confused. So, decided to ask if she was questioning our relationship. She said that she wasn't. Keep in mind, I wasn't happy... I was in a really bad mood, and I didn't sound very happy either.

I was so annoyed... God, I was going insane in my head... silence makes me absolutley nuts... My mind thinks at warp speed, and I have no idea how to control it. Silence only makes it worse.

If I'm in a good mood it makes me think abotu good things... If I'm in a bad mood it makes me think about bad things... It's a plague. At times it's so bad that I literaly avoid reading Holly's posts because I'll just get upset if I'm in a bad mood. After a while, it was just rediculous... we are both tottally different people on CB. It's weird, I see her post her thoughts and feelings about issues, and it just makes me more frustrated because I sit there and think... How can she say that when she doesn't practice that herself!!! So, I jsut avoid reading things when I'm mad at her... It's better for the both of us I think.

Anyways, she said, "You sound tired, you should goto bed..."
I told her, "I'm not tired, don't pin this on me... if you want to goto bed... then goto bed."
She says, "Well, can I goto bed?"
I say, "Sure... I would rather just fight this out though. It's not my descision. I can only move if you move."
"Well, good night..."

I stop her, and say," Before you goto bed, I'm not calling you tomarrow. Not because I don't want to talk to you, but I want to giv you a break if you need it. If you don't want to call or talk to me. That's fine. If you want to talk to me. That's fine too. It's entirely up to you. I don't need a break, but you seem really over whelmed so. This is what I'm doing. Next time you call me... I'm going to ask you about this friggin question."

We exchange good-nights, I-love-you's, and goto bed...

The next day she calls me at about 9:00PM, I'm dropping my friend of at his house, and I can't talk right now. I tell her I love her, and I tell her I'll cal her in a little bit. I think it's rude to talk to someone on the phone while you're at someone's house. So, about 30-45 minutes later I call her on the way home. I talk for a while, jokeing around and such. I told her I was going to ask her so I was true to my word. She ignores the fact that I said anything and starts talking about some thing asking me if I can relate to it. I really didn't know what she was talking about, but I wanted to understand so I said. "Well, I don't know... either I'm just not understanding or you have to explain it in a way so that I can understand." It really seemed like she was beeting around the bush. Like something had happened in real life, but she was making up all this hypothetical situations just to avoid telling me the truth. So, I came out and said, "Look, rather than telling me all these hypothetical situations... why don't you just tell me what really happened?"

"I can't."

I instantly feel the burn. I'm so frustrated... NOT AGAIN... GOD DON'T DO THIS AGAIN

I calmly say, "Why not?"

"I don't want you to think anything."

That make's so frustrated because I feel as if she would just tell me in the first place, without thinking abotu it. Then I wouldn't think about it because she wouldn't be leading on like it was a big deal or anything.

We end up getting into a fight similar to the other one... it lasts abotu an hour.... and I end up telling her, "look... don't call me until you're willing to talk to me about both of those things... I'm so sick of you bringing things up and droping them. It's so annoying. If your going to bring something up, then talk about. I'm serious, it really bothers me, I'm not caling you either. If it takes a week, I don't care, if it takes 2 weeks I don't care. I'm sick of this. You do it way to much. I feel like I hit a brick wall when I'm in a conversation."

I feel like I messed up, but I will not call... I will hold true to my word. What do I do...

What I want:
Man... I guess I jsut have no idea what's going on... I wish I knew so it wasn't so scarey

[mytangerine]

gawsh. i hope all guys don't analyze things to the max like you do. you should just let her tell you when she's ready, don't annoy the crap out of her first because she might decide that yes, she does want a break & BREAK=1st word of BREAK UP...so that's what it might lead to?