My 12 year old brother is stuck in man's body., I need help making a life changing decision. Options

[msladyliberty]

My 12 year old brother is stuck in man's body.

WARNING: Long entry. Comments from the eldest of the family are greatly appreciated.

My brother is actually [b]20 years old[/b]...but his responsibilities, his maturity, his common sense is of a 12 year old little boy. When I was 15, I carried out more responsibilities and independance more than he has in his lifetime. And I'm just praying for a miracle that one day he'll "get the effin' picture."

It's hard for me to change my brother. I put all my patience and time for him and for our family, hoping that one day he'll "grow up." What really makes it harder for him, is that my mom can't see him being a responsible or reliable person. She's always asking me to do his tax returns, fill out his financial aid applications, and do majority of the cleaning around the house because her excuse is: "He doesn't know how to do it." or it's: "He's not mentally mature enough like you are, so he can't handle it."

He's not a bad boy (I can't call him a man, 'cause he isn't). He goes to school fulltime and has a great job that pays well which helps pay for our bills. He has a great personality too. But he's SO irresponsible, unreliable, un-independant, and very lazy.

Here's a list of things that annoy about him:

-doesn't take the initiative to do anything!
-does things ONLY when told.
-does the job, but does it poorly! (I think on purpose)
-always has to get approval from "mommy"
-has no common sense.
-it takes 3+ days for him to dig a hole or put furniture together.
-has an excuse for EVERYTHING!
-doesn't like to share with me, even when I share everything!
-doesn't offer to pay for things, when he makes more than I do.
-can't keep things neat.
-he's 6'0'' and weighs 270lbs...he's afraid to walk 4 blocks to work @ 4 am because he's afraid of getting "mugged."
-sleeps 10+ hours a day, but claims to be too tired to clean the yard.


My Point:

I have tried, I have been patient, I try to be reasonable, I try to understand...but it seems like my efforts, my time is being wasted, because my own mother chooses to see her 20 year old son as a little boy.

The possible solution:

I want to move out! I'm 22 years old, I'm taking very advanced classes in school, and I need my space!! Besides, if I move out...it would benefit my brother greatly. He has not choice but to pull his weight around the house. He'd FINALLY learn something!

So why not do it?

My mom has a tendancy to put the guilt trip on me. She did sacrifice her retirement money to move us away and help us pay for school (well, I go to school for free actually-financial aid). She cooks majority of the time and cleans when she can. I feel like I owe her. She makes me feel like I owe her. People in our family have abused her charity, and I don't want to be another "back-stabbing" family member.

My boyfriend and I can't stand living with my family (boyfriend lived with us for 3+ yrs). My mom is a pack rat. She can't even keep her own room tidy. She's constantly buying things, that we don't have any room for! I don't think she can accept the fact that I have a mind of my own and is disappointed at times when I won't agree with her. (My brother ALWAYS agrees)

For cryin' out loud! I'm 22 years old! And I can wipe my own ass!!

I need to grow up! I know I can handle it! I know how to pay bills, make appointments to see my OBGYN, take my own ass to school, I pay car insurance, turn in paperwork on time...etc.

I mean, I've been doing it since I was muther-effin' 16! How many 16-year olds can say that they do that with out their mommy "reminding" them.

My brother can't even do half that ish on his own. If anything, I DO IT FOR HIM, because my MOM MAKES ME DO IT!

QUESTION:

How do you break it down to a mommy like mine, that you want to move out?

or

Do ya'll think I'm being selfish and ignorant for deciding to move in with my boyfriend and help the both of us out instead of helping my mom out? So I should stick it with my mommy, even it if kills me.

Be honest!!

The solution seems obvious, but maybe my rage is blinding me from seeing the situation from a different prospective. So that's why I'm asking for help...because I am pissed, and being pissed blocks a lot of logical thinking.

Thank you for your time.

[Mr. Slowjamz]

this is very scary because it sounds exactly how me and my sister and family are going through right now .( are we related ???? lol ) i would imagine my sister having the same EXACT feelings that you`ve written down and the same exact opinions that you`ve made . i could really understand that . coincidently my sister is only a year and a half older then me . yet from you and your brothers ages were only seperate from a 2 year gap ... im 19 shes turnin 21 . And your mom is excatly like my mom , shes a very hard-workers and try to puts up with the family time to time . shes also a shopaholic and loves to buy alot of things for no apparent reason , i guess because she wants the house to look nice .

i dunno, myself because this sounds pretty darn relative to the problems i`m kinda facing right now.

i must admit i have problems with my sister , and she has problems with me .

and honestly with Gods truthfullness , i can closely resemble your bro .... i can be pretty lazy , annoying and doesnt take the initiative in specific things . party i guess because im sensitive .im sensitive and vulnerable.... ohh how i`m really vulnerable over rowdy conversations . it can be the truth it can`t but w/e the reason not only your bro but your whole family is really in a depressed state .

sigh........ you know... im might say maybe your giving a hard time to your brother...im just guessing , based on my experience and how i feel on my sister . my sister always gives a hard time on me . Your brother might be pretty sensitive and vulnerable and only does things when hes interested or when hes driven which is a good thing. but some people are like that . He can be deprived over harsh things you might have said or have not .

We`ve had a talk with one of our family Dr`s who came in our house a few months ago . She exaplained how everyone has there own story. And that no set of ones persons feelings isnt more important then the rest and should be dealth with . She told us that its important to take some sort of break and take a time off together She explained how sometimes Sacrifice is part of the way to deal with things ....and that usually someone in the family would be able to sacrifice the problems . She explained how everyone has there own opinions and is being selfish ...that noone is really being considerate or hasnt shown the appropiate feelings toward each other . Thats how Depression sets in for everyone , it goes by person to person . She explained how everyone has there own flaws , negative sides ....and should be understood in a way not too cause more grieve but to give in and have faith over it and give into acceptance.........she has defined that as (unconditional love ) . thats where it takes sacrifice . it can take alot of sacrifice for one person or for everyone . but usually this type of therapy could be hard , even for my sister who is kind of a non-believer who wants easy and fast results.

this is kinda deeo for me cause its true too.


i got a quote :


I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

Martin Luther King Jr.


i guess its everyones fault ...its practically not your bro to blame on everything ....you just havent given him his needs and he hasn`t given it to you . he might feel as though he needs more encouragement on what hes doing and needs more appreciation to things hes done . and you might as feel as though you need it as well . you could be less effective by that . your mother as well might feel the same way . and you might have given her a hard - time in which she hasnt recognized you . An i guess she expects more from you because your older ....hehe . And should be more understanding .

I guess she expects that you act totally differently to your brother ...in a way that you look at your brother differently ..not as a sign of hating him ...but as a sign of understandng of [i]whats good[/i] in him .

my mother explained to me the good qualities i have . very generous, thoughtful and is very kind-hearted . she explains that i have a good heart.

my sister doesn`t really recognize this of me .

i guess if you see the good in a person you would feel less stressed out . and problems could be solved with less tension . thats just my opinion . but if your not that type of person to deal with that type of things ...and its not in you too change the way you look at your brother , its ok . i advise you should seek a consouler and talk it through with your family . talk to your brother . ask him how he feels . talk to your mother . and get up family meetings .

moving could be a good option as well....he might feel less burdened overe you being older ...and always taking rules over you ..and could feel uplifted over that . hopefully you dont have other siblings in the house . that benefits you as well ...because it gives you stress - free and you dont have to deal with his problems . but i wouldnt know how your relationship or feelings would change over time ... i havent experienced that cause im still living in the same roof .....anyways im moving to Boston soon anyway myself ...so that should be less stressful for her .

if you wanna talk you can pm me a message or aim me at mjusiiq..if you want i can hook you up with my sister ...haha . but anyways hope all will be well God Bless .