Smite The Heathens, Charlie Brown!, Shalom Auslander Options

[*I Shot JFK*]

When Charlie Brown, Snoopy and friends are driven apart by religious hatred it starts to beg pretty fundamental questions, no tleast, how will this spree of violent intolerance end?

Ok, because i enjoyed this, and i think the message is good, especially given socity's pencant for religious division and hatred at the moment, i AM going to TYPE THIS WHOLE THING OUT.

SO READ IT, because this will take an age.

Charlie Brown, walking down the street.
He is wearing his baseball cap and is smiling.
He meets Linus.
Charlie Brown says, 'There's something magical about the very first baseball game of the season.'
Linus says, 'Schulz died last night.'
'Good grief', says Charlie Brown.

***

Linus and Charlie Brown, walking down the street.
Linus says, 'Last night someone spray painted a giant pumpkin on our front door.'
Linus says, 'This morning i prayed to the Great Pumpkin to protect us from the rioting Schulzians.'
Charlie Brown asks, 'How's Lucy taking it?'
Lucy strolls over.
'NEVER AGAIN!' she shouts, flipping the boys upside down.
Linus says, 'Personally.'

***

Charlie Brwon, sitting in his beanbag chair. He is watching TV. Sally stands behind him.
Sally asks, 'Are we Schulzian or Pumpkinite?'
Charlie Brown says, 'We're Schulzian.'
Charlie Brown says, 'Schulzians believe in a creatr who writes and draws every single day...'
Charlie Brown says, '... while Pumpkinites, like Linus and Lucy, believe in the Great Pumpkin who flies around and rewards his believers on Halloween.'
Charlie Brown says, 'But ultimately, belief should be a personal choice.'
'Which one gets more holidays?', asks Sally.
Charlie Brown rolls his eyes.

***

Charlie Brown and Linus, standing beside the old stone wall.
Linus ducks.
Snoopy and Woodstock stroll over. Snoopy wears a beret and carries a rifle on his shoulder. Snoopy's shirt reads SCHULTZ IS THE LORD.
Snoopy and Woodstock leave.
Linus stands up.
'Good grief,' says Charlie Brown

***

Snoopy sits on the roof of his doghouse, facing his typewriter. Woodstock sits on Snoopy's shoulder.
Charlie Brown strolls over.
Snoopy hands him a page.
Charlie Brown reads, 'The only final solution is to kill all the Pumpkinites as they have killed Schultz our Lord.'
Charlie Brown looks up at Snoopy.
'Mein Kampf,' says Snoopy.
Woodstock starts shouting loudly and waving his red pen.
'Mein Editor,' says Snoopy.

***

Snoopy sits on the roof of his doghouse, facing his typewriter.
Snoopy types, 'It was a dark and stormy night.'
Snoopy thinks.
Snoopy thinks.
Snoopy thinks.
Snoopy writes, 'Becaue of the lousy Pumpkinites.'
Snoopy smiles.

***

Lucy holds the football for Charlie Brown
Lucy says, 'There's so much hatred and animosity in this world.'
Charlie Brown runs toward the football.
Lucy says, 'Maybe one day, in some distant Utopian future, we can stop this cyce of violence once and for all.'
Lucy pulls the ball away and Charlie Brown falls flat on his back.
'That's a beautiful sentiment,' says Charlie Brown.
'I'm a beautiful person,' says Lucy.

***

Lucy leans against Schroeder's piano as Schroeder plays.
Lucy says, 'Before we get married, you should know that i don't believe in Schulz. i'm devoutly Pumpkinite.'
Schroeder says, 'I don't believe in either Schulz or the Great Pumpkin. I believe that our purpose on Earth is an inner journey of exploration and honesty not an outward journey of conquest and domination.'
Schroeder goes back to playing his piano.
Lucy says, 'I don't believe in Schulz either.'
Schroeder rolls his eyes.

***

Charlie Brown and Linus, standing behind the old stone wall.
Charlie Brown says, 'My religion is baseball. My church is the pitcher's mound.'
Charlie Brown says, 'The moment a team steps onto the mystical field, all differences between them are forgotten. It is no small miracle, but that for one moment, nine people become as one.'
Snoopy strolls over to Linus. He is carrying a baseball bat over his shoulder.
Snoopy smashes Linus in the head.
Charlie Brown says, 'Good grief.'

***

Charlie Brown, standing outside Snoopy's jail cell.
Snoopy says, 'On the contrary - I plead guilty!'
Snoopy says, 'I am a soldier in the army of Schulz, and I shall proudly smite th enonbeliever wherever he may be.'
Charlie Brown says, 'If you plead not guilty, we can be home in time for dinner.'
Snoopy's ears stand up straight.
Charlie Brown and Snoopy, walking home.
Snoopy thinks, 'Even zealots get the muncihes.'

***

Lucy and Linus, walking down the street. Linus's head is wrapped in a bandage.
They meet Charlie Brown and Snoopy.
Lucy says, 'We refuse to play on a baseball team with Snoopy.'
Snoopy says, 'I refuse to play on a baseball team with them.'
Nobody says anything.
Charlie Brown says, 'Hatred is something everyone can agree on.'

***

Charlie Brown, slumped down in his beanbag chair. He is watching TV. Sally stands behind him.
Charlie Brown says, 'I give up. Maybe we should all just stay apart. Maybe we should all just build our walls and fences and defend them night and day with barbed wire and guard dogs. Why should i be te only one who cares? So what if I never see or speak to another Pumpkinite in my life? What do I care?'
Sally asks, 'All the Pumpkinites?'
Charlie Brown says, 'All the pumpkinites.'
'Even the Little Red Haired Pumpkinite?' asks Sally.
'Aauugghh!', screams Charlie Brown.

***

Charlie Brown, walking across the lawn.
He meets Snoopy, who carries a rifle across his shoulder and wears a T-shirt that reads WHAT WOULD SCHULZ DO?
Behind him, a small group of Woodstocks stand in precise military formation.
Snoopy says, 'Snoopy Youth.'
'Good grief,' says Charie Brown.

***

Charlie Brown strolls over to Lucy. She is wearing a beret and a T-shirt that reads P.D.L.
They look at each other.
They look at each other.
They look at each other.
Lucy says, 'Pumpkinite Defense League.'
Charlie Brown rolls his eyes.

***

Charlie Brown, standing on the pitcher's mound. It is pouring rain.
'Good grief,' says Charie Brown.
Charlie Brown pitches and asks, 'What are you called when you're not sure who the Creator is...'
POW! The ball is hit so hard that it flips Charlie Brown upside down.
He lands flat on his back.
'...but you're pretty sure that He hates you?'
Linus strolls over.
'A Chucknostic,' he says.

***

Charlie Brown, standing on the pitcher's mound. It is pouring rain.
He watches the ball as it sails over his head
He watches the ball as it flies to the outfield.
Lucy, standing in the outfield and wearing her baseball hat and her P.D.L. T-shirt. She holds a tall black flag with a large orange pumpkin on it.
'Never forget, Charlie Brown!' shouts Lucy.
The ball drops right beside her.
'Good grief,' says Charie Brown.

***

Snoopy, at bat. It is pouring rain.
Snoopy thinks, 'Everyone knows the Pumpkinites are behind Schulz's death! Pumpkinites are behind everything. Their secret international organization covertly influences and informs every...
The pitch goes whizzing past.
Snoopy swings and misses.
'Strike!' calls the umpire.
Snoopy walks angrily back o the bench.
Snoopy thinks, 'Sneaky Pumpkinites.'

***

Charlie Brown, standing on the pitcher's mound. It is pouring rain.
Charlie Brown pitches the ball.
There is a loud POW! as someone hits a homer that flips Charlie Brown upside down and knocks him out of his shoes.
Charlie Brown lands on his back atop the pitcher's mound.
Linus approaches from second base and Schroeder approaches from home plate.
Linus says 'Can you believe thos elousy Schulzians are going to beat us, Charlie Brown?'
Schroeder says, 'I'll tell you what I believe. I believe in Man. i believe in feeling and music and art. I believe that we are all individual parts of one larger God, and that by serving one another, we will ultimately be serving ourselves.'
Schroeder walks away.
'FAG!' shouts Linus.

***

Snoopy, at bat. It is pouring rain.
CRACK! As he hits the ball.
Lucy runs for the ball.
Snoopy runs for the base.
Lucy runs for the ball.
Snoopy runs for the base.
CRASH! as Lucy and Snoopy violently colide.
They point at one another and shout, 'NAZI!'

***

Charlie Brown is slumped down in his beanbag chair, watching television. Sally stands behind him.
The television announcer says. 'Yesterday's collision between Snoopy and Lucy only increased tension between the rival religious sects.'
Charlie Brown says, 'Some people say that sports are nothing more than a tool of the government to distract us from the pain of our miserable lives.'
The television announcer says, 'The National Guard has been depolyed as widespread rioting continues across town.'
'Wanna have a catch?' asks Sally.
Charlie Brown and Sally run out the door.

***

Lucy sits glumly on her couch, her foot in a cast.
Snoopy sits glumly on his doghouse, his nose in a splint.
Linus sits glumyl in his security blanket, his head wrapped in a bandage.
Charlie Brown stands glumly behind the old stone wall.
Nobody strolls over.
Nobody strolls over.
Nobody strolls over.
'Good grief,' says Charlie Brown.

yea, so i just typed all of that.

just thought i would share.

[Simba]

Oh my. I've only skimmed through it, but it seems very interesting. Especially when I passed over "NAZI!"

I'll come back and read this more later.