follow up, to my relationship woes Options

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I mentioned this in a previous topic but I'll say it again. I went out with this boy for over 3 months and he was my first boyfriend. He was my first everything, first kiss, first 'I love you'.. etc. He broke up with me a little while ago because, he said, he didn't feel like enough of a boy around me: like he couldn't be silly or gross. He made me promise that we could still be good friends and I said okay, thinking that that was better than nothing. When we were going out I never told him how much I actually liked him because I didn't want to scare him off. I loved his voice and the way he smelled even though it was just boy-scent. I loved his little sister and how he made me walk on his right side, the farthest away from the street. I just can't seem to get over him. This is mostly because he still calls me all the time and teases me relentlessly in english class and in the halls. On thursday I walked with him to his little sister's school and he didn't touch me at all, which is significant because he touches everyone without thinking so I know it was a concious effort. He makes all these jokes about our relationship but always apologizes for teasing me and then tells me I'm beautiful. I told him I needed to tell him something on friday but then chickened out in the end. I was going to tell him that I loved him still but I wasn't going to for much longer and that if he cared about me at all still then he would just tell me and take me out of this emotional purgatory. It made him absolutely CRAZY that I wouldn't tell him what I wanted to tell him earlier. Seriously, he called like 5 times and I didn't answer. I just couldn't. He asked me to tell him at least what it was about, so I did. I said that it was about me and him. After that I wouldn't say anymore, except for that the reason I wouldn't tell him was because I wouldn't like myself if I did, because it would prove that I couldn't control my emotions anymore. He asked if I was controlling them or suppressing them and I said I didn't know.


what the hell is he doing? what the hell am I doing? I don't know what to do, seriously. Summer is almost here and I'm leaving for Kawai and then Europe soon, maybe I'll forget about him? I don't really want to though, because I feel like he might still like me..

the only thing I know for sure about myself is that I have a lot of love and a big capacity to be loved in return.


helphelphelphelphelphelp

[actionrobot_go]

Because he scares me. Because he can control the way I feel, if I want him to or not. Because he hurt me. That's why I pretended not to hear him.

Also I was attempting to play hard to get.