relationship with self. Options

[loveydoveytipsy]

i have problems with grief, cutting (and not just stupid attention shit, my arms are f**ked up all around from shoulders to wrists, and there are a small amount on my thighs and lower legs), drugs, borderline disorder, dysthymia (mild long term depression->i think this diagnosis would change if i could get back to a psychologist and psychiatrist, but my appts. not until the end of the month), huffing, eating (either binging or not eating at all...not bad enough for it to be an eating disorder, but i think i might head that way if i'm that unlucky), burning, and an inability to be in a relationship. everytime i get into a relationship and really like the guy, i think to myself, yeah i should count this as my first real relationship, because i really like him and it's going to go well. then a few good weeks pass, and slowly it gets worse, then i get really really depressed and start to avoid them for no real reason and i decide they're just annoying or something, and these guys are like my best friends before hand. then the relationship falls apart and ends. it's horrible. really really horrible. and i feel so trapped in my body, in my house, and everything is just falling apart. i'm only sixteen and my mom is getting so frustrated and scared that any day she'll come home i'll be dead, that she's acting like i just snuck out of the house and should be grounded or something. like i'm on punishment for feeling this way. i've went through programs and whatnot for cutting, but how can i get better when part of me, a very strong part, is fighting for my destruction. i just don't know what to do anymore and when my mom fills me with all her empty threats, i just get angry and don't care, which of course leads to me saying things i don't mean, horrible things, just to hurt her. i have a real problem holding it all back. oh my gosh, i just realized how long this is this is the first time i wrote it all down in words. well anyways, i'm scared and alone, and i feel all my support has either been torn away from me, pushed away from me, or ran away from me.

[mylittleMiracle]

have you read chicken soup for girls soul?it may help you a little bit.=] i know what you feel and i will support you!feel free to IM me if you want to talk more.