Createblog Diary, Version 8.0 Options

[*stephinika*]

originally started by faithin_felix.

You guys know how it works.




Dear CB diary,

Wow, it's been awhile since I've been in here. Europe was absolutely amazing, but I'm sad to be home. I missed my own bed and Adrian but other than that...I want to go back. I miss it so much. Now that I'm home, there's so much stress and so many stupid things to do...ugh, its driving me crazy. Fiddler practice yesterday was so frustrating because people are so stupid. At least I saw Adrian. That was absolutely wonderful. I love just being with him. I missed him so much. It made me so happy that he came to the airport to see me when I got back. It was a lovely surprise. It really was. Got sick when I got home though for a few days which really sucked. I'm feeling better now though...still tired. I want to see him again. I can't help being so...attached. I just love being with him and everything so much. We need to makeup for the time I wasn't here...

[*jooleeah*]

dear cb diary,
i am so tired of getting the f**king blame for everything. i am so tired of stressing myself out because of the damned things that go on in my family. bad things just keep happening over and over again. and f**king great, none of my "brotherly" siblings seem to care! sorry mom, i'm not the best teacher and i'm sorry i can't teach henry right but i'm trying and i know i have a bad temper but goddamn. i know you don't want to teach him yourself. i wish henry didn't have such a big problem with concentrating but none of us can help that. i'm sorry for yelling at you about him but i couldn't help it. i can't stand the abuse that goes on in this house, and me acting like it doesnt' matter and that it's just normal makes everything even worse. i hate knowing that whats gonig on is wrong but i can't do anything to stop it. it's how we're all growing up. i just wish henry would learn and stop being such a goddamned clueless idiot. he's young i know but things would be so much better. why can't he just get things right? he didn't even VISIT grandma while she was in the hospital. all of our grandparents care so much and i seem to be the only one noticing it. i don't ven show my appreciation for them....so it seems like i dont' care. but the thing is that i do care. i care so much. and it hurts the hell out of me when i hear about all these things that are happening to them. i don't know what i'm gonna do without them or when they die. i pass by their graveyards already and i know that they're going to be buried there and every time i pass by i try not to cry. i hate this. i hate thinking too much. and i hate feeling guilty abuot yelling at mom but i'm stressed out enough about school and i cannot worry about henry like that and it's like i don't care but i just don't want to care. it seems like another load would be put onto me and i already have tons of responsibilites. does that seem selfish? i am just so stressed otu and this thing is just basic rambling but ican't help it. what am i supposed to do? i already hate alex enough anyway and so does the rest of us. goddamn why is he such a f**king dumbass? he's bullshit and mom's right. he would be nothing without their support. nothing. nothing but a shithead thath e already is. ah i hate this. i hate hate hate hate hate this. aren't i supposed to be in that stage where i'm supposed to not worry abuot family and such? i'm only supposed to be worried about schoolwork and guys and who to like but what thehell. i must not be normal or something. ah this sucks. i suck at diary entries when i'm overwhelmed. i'm going in over my ehad with all this stress and i just need to get away. these projects that are due soon are not helping either. goddamnit this f**king sucks. i hate this. ihate hate hate this. and ihate myself for being such a bitchy dumbass piece of sh*t that procrastinates even though she knows she needs to do stuff. what the hell is wrong iwth me?! i knew this week was going to be horrid and terrible. people were asking why i was at the hospital and expect me to explani it at once. what the hell. don't just straight up ask like that. two people have already done that. WHY?! why the f**k are you so f**king nosy. okay maybe its just that you guys "care" but if you guys really did then you woudl realize that maybe i would tel you about it if i really wanted you to know. godfuckingdumbasses. dno't be so fcking rude about it. do you guys not get how emotionally sensitive a person can be?! are you f**king blind?! f**king piece of shits. AH. okay i'm going crazy i swear. i'm no longer sane and i know it. i dont' know waht's wrong with me. maybe i need ap erson to talk to or something. but i don't want it. i don't want to talk to anyone about my problems right now because i know nobody would understand, no matter howm uch they say they would. maybe they just want to be friendly and kind and listen to me but that's what i don't need right now. i just need to be alone and focus on whats important. i think that bitchy and independent side has come out of me again and i think it needs to go back inside. ccause i hate that part of me. it'll just take some time, hopefully. god. i need to leave now. mom's yellign. bye.