Createblog Diary, Version 8.0 Options

[*stephinika*]

originally started by faithin_felix.

You guys know how it works.




Dear CB diary,

Wow, it's been awhile since I've been in here. Europe was absolutely amazing, but I'm sad to be home. I missed my own bed and Adrian but other than that...I want to go back. I miss it so much. Now that I'm home, there's so much stress and so many stupid things to do...ugh, its driving me crazy. Fiddler practice yesterday was so frustrating because people are so stupid. At least I saw Adrian. That was absolutely wonderful. I love just being with him. I missed him so much. It made me so happy that he came to the airport to see me when I got back. It was a lovely surprise. It really was. Got sick when I got home though for a few days which really sucked. I'm feeling better now though...still tired. I want to see him again. I can't help being so...attached. I just love being with him and everything so much. We need to makeup for the time I wasn't here...

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
Needless to say, I'm totally confused and torn. Go figure, right? Well I don't know anymore. I want him so badly. God, I want HIM no one else, just him. I love him. I miss him. Him, him, him. However the bastard doesn't get that and because he smokes so much damn weed, his brain is f**ked up. I can't sit here and constantly feel like shit because he doesn't seem to give a damn about me. I know he does, he has to, right? It hurts too damn much to think that he doesn't after everything but at the same time it hurts to think that he does and that he'd still do this. I dont' get it. You know, guys like me. Wow, right? Last night I made out with some basically random guy. Tonight this cute boy came up to me to tell me I was really cute. Other guys ask me out on dates. If other guys want me, how much more should he want me, y'know? We have a history together, we had so many great moments, so many memories, so much love, or so I thought... I don't know, I just don't get it. Part of me is like, okay, just leave it alone already. Go on dates with these other boys. Talk to other guys. Go out more. The other part of me is like, you can't. You need to wait for him. He needs you and he'll realize it soon. Just wait it out. Either way, both are so hard. I'm so torn. Either way I get hurt. EITHER WAY. It's a lose-lose situation. If I wait, I end up crying my eyes out every night. I end up feeling like shit and just constantly having him on my mind. If I don't wait though, he could come back and then I didn't wait...so it screws shit up more. And plus, everytime I am with another guy I can't help but wish it was him instead. Always, I always do that. It feels almost wrong to be with other guys because I feel like I'm cheating. Yeah, we aren't together but he has my heart still. I don't know what to do. I just know I'm sick of this but god damnit, I wish there was an easy f**king solution or that he would just come back already. I wish that I didn't fall so hard and that I didn't give him my heart. I should have held onto it like I was planning. I got myself into this. I hurt myself. I'm still hurting. Everyone gets their shit fixed. Look at those two. Drama, drama, drama, but they're still fine. Why aren't him and I fine?? WHY? Why does he f**k shit up so much? All he f**king does is smoke weed. I know why he does it. To get away from everything. To take away from all the pain and to make him feel "normal" and because every single one of his friends does it. I want to be there for him. Use ME to take away the pain, use ME to make you feel normal, Phillip. Why can't he just come back? Why does it have to be this hard? Why does God keep doing shit like this to me? Do you know I'm f**king angry with you God??? DO YOU KNOW? Of course you know - you know everything. Please, f**king enlighten me and tell me why you're doing this to me?! I dont' care about shit anymore except him. Maybe you're trying to teach me to stop caring so much about him but you're doing it the WRONG WAY. Why doesn't he miss me? I really don't get it. I must be a retard, right? I just don't understand. No one understands either. No one knows what's going on and everyone either tells me you gotta keep trying or to give the f**k up. It's not some clear cut bullshit answer like that, okay? If it was, I wouldn't have wasted, what?, seven months of my goddamned life feeling like this if I could fix it so easily like that. I just wish he'd talk to me. Why doesn't he want to talk to me? What is he thinking in that stupid, twisted, immature brain of his????? f**k THIS. I hate this. Yeah I do have fun. I can't say my whole entire life sucks. I get that I have these great friends and family. I GET THAT. I don't care. That means nothing to me when I have to live everyday knowing he doesn't want to talk to me and when I have to live everyday with this broken heart. UGHGhralkglkrjalkjgajklgrlakgj. And freaking prom. God damn. STOP WITH PROM. Leave me alone. I DONT WANT TO GO. OKAY? Get that through all of your heads and leave me alone. I'm not going in your group, I'm not going with you, I don't want to go dress shopping. Just stop. I'm not going unless I get a date and no one is going to ask me and besides I don't want to go with just anyone. Sorry I have standards and while I might sound a complete bitch I don't want to go with just a friend and I don't want to go with someone who is busted. SORRY. I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore. My head is spinning because I'm so sad and angry and frustrated. I keep saying I can't wait til college but what about college? f**k, I'm still gonna be heartbroken. Diary, why is Phillip doing this?
-Me.