not really you |
 Nov 24 2005, 05:54 PM
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#1
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Senior Member  Group: Member Posts: 512 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,682  |
i look at your face, and it radiates pain,
your smile has been washed off by the rain . your eyes tell a story of a thousand years, they seem to cry without dropping a tear . they're dull and they're dead, they used to be bright, your cheeks are hollowed by worry and fright . your lips are pale, no smile lingers, from it escapes such ghastly pictures . what happens to the happy girl i knew ? you're still the same person--yet its not really you . just remember that theres a rainbow at the end of every storm . and the sound of your own laughter has the power to keep you warm . please tell a story that has a happy ending, paint pictures of memories and happy reminiscing . and light up a smile that can build fire out of ashes rise from your sorrow like a newborn pheonix . |
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Jan 1 2006, 11:59 PM
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#2
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 and they say imitation is flattering Group: Member Posts: 1,337 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 27,269 |
The rhyme scheme kind of switches at the end of the second stanza. And it doesn't seem to really fit with the first...
"just remember that theres a rainbow at the end of every storm . and the sound of your own laughter has the power to keep you warm ." That seems too long to me, and it doesn't really have a flow... But good job, I like it =] |
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Posts in this topic
lidoxangie not really you Nov 24 2005, 05:54 PM
sadolakced acid nice.
the first stanza is very nice, the second... Dec 10 2005, 01:03 AM Tribal J_Rome very nice indeed, i wish i was able to write that ... Dec 10 2005, 01:41 AM banana_jamma i like it... A LOT. Dec 30 2005, 01:55 AM yukichan Wow..
I like the first stanza.. Jan 1 2006, 09:23 PM illumineering The death and ressurection symbolic of a phoenix o... Jan 2 2006, 11:40 AM
Hiphop d[-_-]b QUOTE(lidoxangie @ Nov 24 2005, 3:54 PM)your ... Jan 2 2006, 09:30 PM |
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