createblog diary, v.6 |
createblog diary, v.6 |
*mzkandi* |
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#1
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originally started by faithin_felix.
version1 version2 version3 version4 Most of you know the drill. Comment and/or quote someone elses entry but you must also make your own. Dear cB, My first quiz is tommorrow. I may have to pull an all-nighter tonight. Hopefully not.... |
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#2
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![]() hello : ) ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Official Member Posts: 4,227 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 13,139 ![]() |
Dear cB Diary,
Today was such a hard day. Everyone could see something was bothering me. I couldn't tell like anyone. Only a few people. Why? Because it hurts to say it. It makes it seem more final. I feel like maybe if I don't tell anyone it will go away and he'll come back to me and then I won't need to tell anyone. I'm afraid that's not gonna happen. It was hard to pretend to be alright and to not just break down crying in class. Lucky me I only had two classes today which left me 3 1/2 hours in between them to cry. I seriously cried all day. All f**king day. I went to sleep last night crying, I woke up crying, I drove to school crying, I was at school crying, I drove home crying, I got home and cried. The only time I didn't cry today was during the two classes and when I went to lunch with Grace. Otherwise I was filled with tears. I almost started crying in English today once it started to rain. Silly me, huh? I felt like the heavens were crying because Seho just got buried today and because Phillip and I broke up. I wanted to cry but I held it back. Waited til I got to my car. And I burst. I can't deal with it. I'm trying to be positive and be okay. But I can't. Everything reminds me of him and then that makes me cry to realize that I no longer have him. I want him back. Please God give him back to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm always sorry. But I was only happy with him. I wasn't truly ever happy until I had him. Now it's gone. It was too short. Don't I deserve to be happy? Why God, why? Please. Even while I was with him I might have been hurting but I'd rather hurt and have him than hurt and not because that hurts a million times worse. Please. I need him. I'm sorry. I can change. He needs to know that. I wasn't affectionate enough. I knew that. It's hard for me to open up and be really affectionate but I know that if I got him back I could be Lord. I know that I would be. Only because I wouldn't want to lose him again. Please. I love him. I don't want another bad day like today. I don't want the rest of my days to be like this. Please. Have him call me. Something. I need him. Oh God. I need him. I love him. This isn't over to me. It can't be over to him either. He has to know he's being unfair and hypocritical. Please. Let him see. I can't handle this. I don't want to cry anymore. But I don't want to go numb either. I hate feeling like this. I've felt it for the majority of my life. Please. Let me be happy again. I don't want anything else but him. I don't care about anything else but him. I put him even before me. His wellbeing before mine. Please Lord. Today was too bad of a day and I don't want to spend the rest of forever crying. Everything reminds me of him, us. Everything. I see the color red and I think of his red car. I hear a song and it instantly reminds me of him. I see couples walking by and I start to tear up. I look at my room and it reminds me of him. I can't even stand to be in here. I can't stand to be in my bed where he held me. I can't live like this. Everything reminds me of him, every flipping thing. I need him. Why doesn't he see that? Why doesn't he see that I love him? That I've been there for him and will always be there for him? We didn't get to do any of the stuff we promised we'd do together. We still have so much to do as a couple. All the promises we made. A drive in movie, double dates, prom, Korea...God. None of those things are worth doing without him. I don't even want to be in IB anymore. I want to just give up. If I can't have him I don't want anything. I might as well give up on everything. I want to drop out and have classes with no one I know so I can be secluded and alone. I don't want to be with anyone not even friends. I want to be with him. Only him. Why is this so hard...? -Me. |
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