createblog diary, v.6 Options

[*mzkandi*]

originally started by faithin_felix.

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Most of you know the drill. Comment and/or quote someone elses entry but you must also make your own.


Dear cB,
My first quiz is tommorrow. I may have to pull an all-nighter tonight. Hopefully not....

[xTINAA]

Dear cB Diary,
I can't stop crying. I'm in such a shitty mood right now. Nothing is going right. Nothing. Things are always hard for me and now they're so much more hard. And so complicated. I'm crying for so many different reasons. School is always one. I'm always frustrated, stressed out, pressured, tired, busy, whatever else because of school. And no matter what I do I always seem to fail at it. I always seem to fall short. I can never succeed. It's only been about a month of school and already I'm failing a class. Pathetic much? College is coming. I have to apply. That's actually not that big of a worry for me. I'm almost positive I can get into UNC. I wish I could go somewhere else but I'm not capable of that. This is the best I can get; not that it's bad. I'm just saying that I've always thought I would move away to another state and make it independently in some fabulous place like New York where I would study and meet new people. Oh well. Another dream crushed. Not only am I crying about school but I'm crying about Phillip. I love him. I don't know how many times I can say that or what I can do to show that, but I love him. And right now I miss him a lot. I need to be with him. I need to see him. I need to talk to him. I need to hear his voice. I need to see his smile. And I can't. What makes this worse is he's going through so much right now and he's hurting so bad and there's nothing I can do. All I can do is sit here and cry. He won't even talk to me right now because he's hurting so much. I feel so helpless and I hate this feeling. I hate knowing that someone I love is hurting and to know I can't do anything to make it better basically sucks. I don't know where this relationship is going. He's in so much trouble that we can't even really talk to each other. I haven't seen him in weeks. I miss holding him. I miss laughing with him. I miss kissing him. I miss holding his hand. I miss looking at him. I miss hearing him say he loves me. He's so close yet so far away. He even told me yesterday that he doesn't think he can ever see me again. Sure it might be an exaggeration but just to hear that hurts. And I'm also crying about Seho. How could he die? How could they have shot him? He didn't do anything. He was innocent. He was such a great guy and he just died like that. It's not fair. I know he's in heaven but it's causing everyone so much pain. I also know for a fact that his family isn't just gonna let up on it. They aren't just gonna sit back and let it slide. I know that especially the guys in the family are gonna go out there and start drama and make something happen. I know it. And the scary thing is that if they do that, it could happen to them too. And something even scarier is that I'm pretty sure Phillip is gonna get invovled. And not only that but I know people on both sides. I know the people that started the shit and shot him and I know the people who got hurt because of it. Not only am I crying about this but I'm crying because of friends. I always get left out, I always get used, I always get backstabbed, this and that always happens to me. Now with Dicle. What is the deal with this girl? I don't like her. But suddenly it's like she's trying to be friends with me again. Complimenting me, hugging me, inviting me places. I mean what's her deal? She talked all this shit about him, backstabbed me several times, and now wants to be my friend again? The last time she tried to be my friend again I trusted her and guess what happened? I got backstabbed again. I don't want to have to deal with that shit again. But it's more complicated than just being friends with her or not. If I'm not, well I'll come off as this big bitch. Why? Because everyone can see that she's trying to be nice to me so if I just like reject this then I'm the "bad" one. But if I do befriend her then there's always that chance that she's just being twofaced and still talking shit and that she'll backstab me. I mean she's done it several times already so what's stopping her from doing it again? I'm also crying because of family. I just can't deal with it anymore. I can't deal with them. I can never please them. Everything I do is wrong. Everything. I'm always at fault. I always get yelled at. I'm always getting blame. It just sucks. I'm also crying because I need a job. Seriously, I need a job. I don't just want one, just to have cash. I need one. I need to have money. My parents aren't exactly rich right now and can't give me money and I need to have some. I need to also save for my New York trip and for college. Both of which my parents constantly remind me of. Yet I keep applying and never get asked for an interview, never get hired, nothing. I'm f**king tired of always f**king trying for every f**king thing and not succeeding. I'm f**king tired of trying in school, I'm f**king tired of trying to make this relationship work, I'm f**king tired of being there for everyone while no one is there for me, I'm f**king tired of two faced bitches and their drama, I'm f**king tired of being caught in the middle, I'm f**king tired of getting blamed, I'm f**king tired of never doing anything right, I'm f**king tired of getting denied of a job, I'm just f**king tired. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. I can never feel well rested. Everytime I wake up I feel as if I just fell asleep. Everytime I do one thing I have a million other things lined up to do. Everytime I solve one of my life problems another problem arises. I'm so f**king tired of it all. Why can't things just go right? Why can't I just be happy? Why does it have to come attached with all of this f**king crap. I can never just be happy, just be content, just be satisfied. Never. Something always has to happen and bring me down and cause problems. I'm so f**king tired.
-Me.