A Suburban Existence |
| *not_your_average* |
 Aug 10 2005, 04:37 PM
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#1
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Well, some of you, being much better writers than me, said this needed a rewrite. Taking your points of view into consideration, I cringed after reading my essay/story. So I'll try to get a rewrite in when I can.
This post has been edited by not_your_average: Aug 13 2005, 10:18 AM |
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| *Azarel* |
Aug 10 2005, 07:44 PM
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#2
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The shift from singular to plural is awkward (my to we). Then the shift from first to third is even more awkward (we to their). I would advise keeping the pov the same throughout the entire piece. And I don't exactly see how perfection is tied in to this - I mean like, .. the last mention of perfection seems to differ from the first mention in the third stanza, although I'm not sure how. But other than those little bits and spelling, it's an interesting read.
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Posts in this topic
not_your_average A Suburban Existence Aug 10 2005, 04:37 PM
illumineering I find nothing that reflects perfection in suburbi... Aug 10 2005, 09:37 PM
mipadi QUOTE(illumineering @ Aug 10 2005, 10:37 PM)H... Aug 10 2005, 09:41 PM
illumineering QUOTE(mipadi @ Aug 10 2005, 10:41 PM)Irony, p... Aug 10 2005, 10:02 PM not_your_average QUOTE(illumineering @ Aug 10 2005, 9:37 PM)Ho... Aug 13 2005, 10:39 AM mipadi I think there's at least a foundation of irony... Aug 10 2005, 10:06 PM |
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