To: the Nice Guys, That Finish Last... Options

[DaTru KataLYST]

Ode to the Nice Guys

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen
Written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

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Just thought we needed some appreciation.

[*mipadi*]

Well, your analysis is interesting, CrazayChristian, and I agree with some things you said, but I think you're kind of overthinking the whole situation. Look, when it comes down to it, nice guys don't finish last because they try too hard, or they do too much too soon, or they don't do it right. Yeah, all those are good points on how to avoid certain pitfalls in dating, but nice guys don't get anywhere because, generally speaking, they don't try at all. Instead of just asking a girl straight-up on a date, they try to become good friends with her in the hopes she will notice how great they are, or they throw out clues in the hopes she will notice their interest. Successful guys, on the other hand, just ask--and that's why things work out for them.

It's not a matter of not taking a girl to a fancy restaurant so that you don't seem to be trying too hard, or calling her up because she didn't call you, or whatever. That, in and of itself, is kind of a bad idea, because just like those nice guys, a guy like that is still "playing the game," trying to get a point across without having to actually say it.

No, the key is to really be straight-up honest about your intentions. Being subtle and saying something like "You seem like you could be a really good friend, and I figured you want to go out for coffee/tea," is just a bad idea because then what's the girl going to think? She's going to wonder, "Is this guy a friend, or is he interested?" And that's where nice guys go wrong, because they make the relationship ambiguous.

If you want a date, just ask. No "playing the game," no being subtle. Just say, "Hey, what are you doing this Friday? I'd like to take you to a movie." or "I'd like to take you out for coffee." Bam, done. It's clear you're interested, it's clear it's a date, there's no ambiguity. Nice guys fail because they try to make the dating thing ambiguous. They figure, well, I'll make it kind of sound like a date, and kind of sound like a "just friends" thing, because if she likes me, then I can make it into a date, and if she doesn't, I can make it look like I just want to be friends, and then I won't get shot down. Nope. Wrong. In romance, you have to take a risk. You have to risk getting shot down. Even the best guys get shot down. It happens to everyone. So don't worry about it. Just be cool and if it works out, great; if not, move on to someone else, but don't dwell on your failure. It's not your fault; at least you gave it your best shot.

Be cool, be confident, just remember that you are a great person and damn it, if she doesn't want to go out on a date, she's not worth your time anyway, because there're plenty more women. If you keep that in mind, you won't have to worry about other women, because she'll say yes. Women love a confident guy--everyone feels more comfortable around a confident person, and confident people are simply much, much harder to shoot down. But again, the key is to not play games, or try to be subtle. You see a girl you like, go up to her, look her in the eye, and just ask her flat-out, without stammering or beating around the bush, for a date. It's not as scary as it seems.

And if all goes well (which it will), then you'll be one of a rare breed: a nice guy with girlfriend.