Am i pathetic? Stupid?, Wanting an ex boyfriend back. LONG! Options

[HIMsHeartagram]

Hello CreateBlog Users,
This is Vicky. I recently made another post about my relationship. Boyfriend Help It explains how controlling he is/was and yada yada.

Heres the story. I'll say his name is "Adrian". Heh, dont ask.

Well "Adrian" and I went out since Sept 03, 2004, and we broke Feb 02, 2005. There was alot of negative and postive feelings involved. I don't know if you count sex as positive. All i know is that when i "lost it", i "lost it" to guy whom i was madly inlove with, and had no doubt we would break up. After i started being sexually active, Adrian and I would always have sex. He didn't want to be at my house because it was supervised, and he wanted to do it. I couldn't talk to any guys because he thought i was going to break up with him for whoever guy i was talking to, but if i was talking to his guy friends he wouldn't mind except for his best friend, which he thought i really liked. There was just alot of drama, he wanted to be with me alot but he had a band that he didnt go to because he wanted to be with me then so i guess i was comfortable with it, but not completely i insisted him to go but i would get mad, so there was trouble there. There was trouble when it was coming close to our relationship, he would be really mean to me, i admit i would hit him ONLY because he was being a jerk to me, he hit me back in the stomach (once), i didn't care, i was just really suprised by it. Its my fault for the break up because i told him that this one guy was hot and seemed like he would treat girls with respect, so he got mad, and then we had a fight about it, and told him that i really loved him alot. I guess i was being retarded there. Then after that, there was this one girl who wasnt safe walking down the hallway, so i told Adrian that, and he told if i walked with that girl, he would break up with me, so i picked her, and thats when we broke up. I tried talking to him during passing periods, but he wouldnt allow it, and got really frustrated because this guy meant alot to me, but i got to the point where i slapped him really hard, and just went to class crying in tears. Then when lunch came, i practically kicked his ass in front of his friends, and just made a fool of myself. Now that all that happened, i wish badly that it didn't happen, i wish that i can go back and find what went wrong. [Yes he told me that he will always love me if we ever do break up] But it was a different story when his ex called, he told her that he broke up with her to be alone but needed someone, and i was that someone.

I really love this guy, and its really hard for me to go anywhere in my town because im way to scared to see him or his family. i have so much shame and regret in me that its becoming unbareable. Alot of people said that i need to move on, and that im way better without him. His current girlfriend called me a whore, for no apparent reason, i only done it with 1, and hes done it with 2. So i don't know what i exactly need advice on, but i just want to hear your opinions. If you want to see a picture of him, me, and his girlfriend, pm me.

[HIMsHeartagram]

Okay, you girls do know that it's been 6 months since we broke up.

I agree on what you said about his current girlfriend.

There was trouble with me and her. I didn't like her well because she had my ex. But then we got to know each other, and trying to be friends. Everything went well, until she told me that i resembled her. I got pissed, mainly because i don't want Adrian to be with someone who resembles me. We are pretty much alike. Except, people don't like her because they find her annoying/irrating. So im happy because Adrian is going to have to deal with that. I know i sound mean.

Heres one thing i didn't get..

- i think he talks sh*t about you: either that or his girlfriend is insecure about herself too, he may have told her you two had sex...or she's probably just trying to make herself look better than you

Well i'm pretty positive that he did say somethings about me to her. He did the same EXACT thing with his ex that became before me. He told me so many things, and i didn't like her. Then later on, we got to know each other, and it turns out those things that Adrian said to me were all lies. He hurt her alot. He ignored her when he met me, he was all over me, and i was like "O.o dude dont you have a girlfriend".. then he said "she wont know about it".. i didn't like that and thought it was wrong, but my feelings for him were like never before but i still kept in mind about her heart but he didn't care about it.

- he blames you for his own insecurities: come on, everyone will think that someone out there is good looking even if they're with someone or if they've been truly in love with someone for most of their life...he shouldn't be such an ass about you thinking other guys are hot, it's not like you're all over them and plus, he should take into consideration that you chose him, not that hot guy.

- Yeah. Well he hurt me by saying "im this ugly guy and your so beautiful, why would you want me".. over and over he would tell me hes ugly, and i got mad because i found him really attractive, and in order to make him feel how i was feeling, i did the same thing, so we got into fights. Our fights are really stupid

Anyway, I'm sorry that things didn't really work ou, but, have someone talk to him, maybe hat'll help....and since sorry didn't hkpe, don't presue him, I think that that's what he wants, he thinks you made the mistake when it was his childish demenor, he wants you to make a fool out of yourself, leave it, he'll find out what he's missing when guys come running to you.

With all those spelling errors, i understand what you said. Yeah. Well the whole thing about his friends talking to him, they didn't do anything really, they just asked questions and believed him.

I also failed to mention that when we broke up, i just had so much anger, and there way actually an incident where he would "rape" me. I told everyone. A sex fantasy. I wouldn't be in the mood because i was either on my period or just didn't feel good, he would insist that he would want to do it. Then when i went on birth control, he eyes glowed. So did mine because i loved him and having sex with him just was fun... just i dont know what you call it, .... erm, love? Yeah. So theres another part of the story. Trust me, i will tell you girls everything. I will not lie to you. I also failed to mention that i bit him to the point he bled, so he got mad/cried, then pushed me away, i bit him cause he was being mean to me. hes into vampires, so i dont know..... [yes we were into the gothic culture]

Yeah i think thats all that i need to say. I told you. Opinions, anyone?..

Alot of people tell me that Adrian doesnt deserve a "beautiful" girl like me, and that im so amazing person. I dont understand why cant Adrian see this Trust me im not agreeing with what people say about me because i feel hella bad that i did those ugly things to him.

Here fugly me.