open marriage, for or against? Options

[*mzkandi*]

here is the back story

Will Smith and Wife Have 'Open' Marriage

United Press International
Actor Will Smith says he and his wife have an agreement that they can
have sex with others provided they inform each other first.
Smith, 36, has been married to entertainer Jada Pinkett Smith for seven
years.
"Our perspective is, you don't avoid what's natural," Smith told
Britain's Daily Mail. "You're going to be attracted to people. In our
marriage vows, we didn't say forsaking all others. The vow that we made
was that you will never hear that I did something after the fact."
"If it came down to it, then one can say to the other, 'Look, I need to
have sex with somebody. I'm not going to if you don't approve of it --
but please approve of it.'"
Smith said he was forced to admit he had sexual feelings for other
women when working on his film 'Hitch,' in which he stars with Eva
Mendes, whom he described as freakin' gorgeous.
Despite that attraction, Smith says his second marriage is still solid.


my question is do you support or oppose open marriage??

me personally i dont care if other people do but i think it takes away from the whole point of being married.

[madchenallein]

I'm new here, but I can first recommend to anyone interested in the topic of open relationships to read The Ethical Slut, you can get it from amazon.com. Open relationships require the same guidelines as other relationships, honesty, integrity, forthrightness, perhaps even more so. I have been married seven years, about the last two of which have been open.

People in open marriages (or relationships-for simplicity's sake I'm going to use the term 'marriage') do not value their commitment to each other any less than people in closed marriages, they just view their relationship differently. A lot of closed marriages fail due to dishonesty and cheating. I am not saying open marriages never fail for those reasons, but that's not my immediate point. (Another caveat is:never open your marriage in an attempt to fix a broken relationship, only a healthy relationship should be 'opened'). What I'm saying is: The two people in a marriage are human. Just because you love someone with all your heart doesn't mean you don't still have eyes as well as sexual feelings for others. We're not exactly in a Puritan society anymore; sex is everywhere. Instead of holding on to jealousy, and unrealistically expecting your spouse to only ever desire you, open marriage is about acknowledging that we feel sexual feelings for different people who are attractive to us. You can have a mutually pleasurable sexual experience with someone you are not in a relationship with, without hurting the person you are married to. It requires forthrightness: "Honey, I find X attractive, and I've been having sexual feelings about X, I would like to investigate a sexual experience with X, how do you feel about that?" Honey: "Well, X is an attractive person..." Here is where the conversation takes one of two tracks 1 "...I can understand how you are attracted to X. We have already discussed the guidelines we've agreed on for extramarital 'play', I am okay with you having an experience with X." Or "...I can understand how you are attracted to X, but I feel bothered about that because..." Then you proceed to discuss it and the spouse never has an extramarital encounter without prior 'permission'. It's not begging for sex, it's understanding that people can feel possessive and jealous, and because you are deeply committed to your spouse, who is generous enough to allow you the chance to explore your urges, you do not want to hurt a spouse by indulging in an action that would hurt their feelings.

It is different for every couple. Some couples it's a strict 'no kissing' policy, others, anything goes but no actual sleeping with the third person or spending the night, still others give each partner nearly free rein. The agreement must be tailored to each couple. You must have guidelines hashed out and agreed on in advance so when that spur of the moment opportunity comes, you know what you can and can't do without hurting your partner's feelings.

Honesty is also important. If you are in an open relationship and you lie to your spouse, sooner or later it will catch up to you and someone will be hurt, at the very least. You have to remember that the third party is a person with feelings too, and you have to be sure you have full consent and they are fully informed. It is never ok to deceive someone, married or single, into having sex with you by allowing them to think you are not married. It is also not right for you to cause pain and hurt in their lives due to a sexual encounter, for example if they are married and would be cheating on their spouse. As far as my personal opinion, I don't consider myself responsible for another person's marriage. I feel that as long as I have informed my theoretical partner about my situation, explained my open marriage, and told them that I prefer that spouses not cheat on each other and given them time to consider, then it's up to them if they want to pursue an encounter or not.

Integrity is a big issue with open relationships too. You and your spouse must decide on mutually acceptable guidelines. For example: Kissing is ok, oral sex is okay with a condom, vaginal sex is okay with a condom, anal sex is never okay, no sleeping over, no interactions other than strictly sexual play (no dating, no hanging out), the spouse who 'played' will always tell the other spouse briefly but exactly what happened, there will always be a safety system in place... There are a ton of circumstances to consider and prepare for, and if the couple does not have the maturity or inclination to deal with these issues before entering into an open relationship, then they do not have the maturity for an open relationship. Integrity means when you get into the situation where you as a spouse are with that third person, alone, you follow those guidelines you agreed on with your spouse previously, even if it's tempting not to, or your partner would 'prefer' not to, and you could 'get away' with forsaking those guidelines.

Integrity and forthrightness together means you don't endanger your marriage because of a prospective third party sexual encounter. If your spouse and you agree that you do not have sexual encounters with people you have emotions for, then you do not secretly harbor a tendresse for someone and then have a sexual encounter with that person.

I agree with the post earlier that an open marriage is not cheating. Generally. I still think you can cheat in an open marriage, a sexual encounter that violates the agreement is an infidelity, a breaking of trust.

I think in our society, one of the few 'off the cuff' reasons for immediate divorce is extramarital sex. I think that's unreasonable too. While I think it is unreasonable to cheat on my spouse, I think the definition of cheat is to break faith, to break trust, to deceive, not: to have sex with another person. Who is to say that, for example, if two people get married and the man is 190 lbs. and the woman is 135 lbs. on the wedding day, then the woman balloons to 275 lbs in five years (for example's sake let's say without having any children), isn't that breaking trust? Clearly the woman doesn't care about herself, her health, or her husband any more, isn't that a valid reason for divorce? She has broken faith. Or what about a couple who, on their wedding day have all their finances in order then five years later, the man has gambled them into poverty and debt. Isn't that a valid reason for divorce?

Too many people think inside the box. An open relationship isn't about not being committed to your spouse and it's not about casual sex, it's about loving someone with all your heart, acting like a rational adult, (eg letting go of jealousy and false expectations) and realizing that we are all human.

In summation, I would just like to say that I am glad the government cannot control this aspect of people's lives, it's none of the government's business. For those people who do not approve of open marriage, don't open your marriage. For those people who are neutral, fine, for those with open marriages, fine for you too, but always be ethical, with each other and with your third party. In general, the 'open marriage' crowd is a discreet one, not wont to flaunt their status, as far as morality, that's a whole 'nother can of worms, but it is ultimately their own business, not everyone else's.

Open marriages do work, and they are more common than you think. If it's not for you, it's not for you and you shouldn't feel pressured to change. A lot of people say 'Well, I think most people prefer a 'normal' marriage.' I don't agree with that, I think a lot of people say that because they don't have the inner honesty and integrity and courage to try anything new or different. If your spouse loves you, a sexual encounter with another person will not change that. If you love your spouse, allowing your spouse some variety will not lose that love nor will you cease to love your spouse.

What is that tired old adage: If you love someone, set them free; if they do not return, they never loved you to begin with, if they return, they are yours to love. ?