just a question from a girl, bout guys Options

[cewinee]

i dunno where to start.

my bf n i have been together for over 2 years and 2 months.
we've been in a long distant relationship within that whole time. visiting each other every 2 to 3months.
he was the first to fall in love with me, and always was the one who would bring up how he'd wanna spend the rest of his life with me, how he'd wanna live with me after college.. etc. this all didnt come out within one day tho, he jus slowly mentioned them to me throughout the 2 years.
and so i feel the same way bout him later on, and thot we were equally in love with each other. if one loved the other more, id make sure HE'd be the one who loved me more (relationship tip thing i learnt from)..

now.. we had a big thing last feb where we almost broke up. well to him it was a "break" for 3 or 4 years for us to think about our college studies cuz he said he wanted me to have a better education somewhere else other than in the philippines cuz he thot i had better opportunities n that i was forgeting bout them so that i can be nearer to him when thats not wat he wanted my first priority to be. which is understandable, but he didnt know that i had no other option than to study in the philippines cuz of financial problems.

i went crazy when he told me bout this break idea, he seemed devastated to think of making this kind of decision himself. i got extremely upset n became alittle melodramatic but i couldnt help it cuz i couldnt believe wat he was telling me after everything we've been through and been working for. he still loved me at the time n still does. he even brought up how he was ready to propose to me which shocked me cuz i never talked to him bout marriage n used to be against it until he convinced me that its a beautiful thing. n told me that he realized that its too soon to do something like that (which is understandable, i wasnt expecting it in the first place, id love to marry him but not now of course. then i stopped talking to him bout it n took a sleeping pill to jus sleep on it. the next day, we talked more calmy.. i spilled my heart out to him and my thoughts, and also reminded him of wat we have together.. later he realized wat we did have, n wat dreams we've been working for etc etc. he also mentioned how we may be too young to be in a serious reltionship, n of course i argued that point in relation to our situation and he later agreed with me.

after finally settling our issues he begged me to forgive him n to stay with him for another chance. i didnt take him back at first cuz i wanted to make sure WHY he wanted me back, wanted to know how HE felt bout me still, n that im not forcing him in any way to be with me n love me, n wat he said melted my heart n i took him back. a month later we had amazing news, my dad got a job somewhere in asia and so is sending me and my mom to live in the philppines this may (next month, where my bf lives!) and we were both psyched!!

but then my heart broke again yesterday morning...

ive been paranoid the passed 2weeks (im currently visiting him now since 3weeks ago) bout my bf. to tell u the truth, ever since that happened last feb 15 & 16th, ive been paranoid up and down if he'd think of leaving me again.. paranoid he doesnt love me like he used to. etc etc.. i had alot of questions on my mind. finally i just cried of being so paranoid 3 or 4 times at his house without him knowing. i then asked him straight if i had ANYTHING to worry bout, if he's attracted to another girl, if he loves me the same way i do, so many questions and all his answers seemed so sincere. even acting shocked that id ask him this.

i told my best friend the other night bout how id been feeling this way n that i talked to him bout it all cuz i was happy we settled it n jus moved on. i got really drunk that night with my girl friends n went home really late(came home 6am). my bf stayed up all night waiting for me (i stay with him when i visit) cuz he was worried sick, when he finally saw me home he was really angry cuz he was so worried. then he went straight to bed n i got changed all scared that hes mad at me cuz i hate him being mad at me =( then i went to lay down n he started talking whilst crying so much telling me how worried he was. i felt so bad for scaring him like that yet felt so touched that he cared that much, he cried n he rarely cries. i later then cried with him n he turned around n comforted me anyway telling me he'll always love me and that he was just scared id done something stupid etc. n we fell asleep.

next morning.. i wake up really early and find myself paranoid again cuz i had a bad dream about him. my best friend said that, instincts are usually correct. my bf is someone whose ALWAYS on the computer and so she suggested i look through his online history conversations that he has with this certain girl i felt he was attracted to. i dunno WHY i thot that but it was jus pure instinct. i cant explain.

i know its wrong to look through ppl's personal privacy, but he also looks through my things for fun or cuz hes a jealous person n wants to get pissed at any guy who tries to hit on me on online convos or in emails (he never gets pissed at ME tho if a guy hits on me n all that). so i looked at the history of the convos he had with this certain girl. and i found something that broke my heart and left me sitting in this chair for an hour thinking bout it n wishing it were just a dream. i read it 2 or 3 more times to make sure.

he told her he liked someone in his school, well atleast starting to. n she was all like tell me tell me! but then she remembered he's with me n stuff so asked why he's liking another girl all the sudden. and his answers drove me crazy. he was saying how I love him more than he loves me like its a bad thing, how I bring up how we should live together etc. when it ALL of it came from HIM. he told her that if this girl he liked liked him back, then he'd "go for it". he said he wouldnt cheat on me, he'd tell me first. he said he doesnt know if he'd want to marry me (remember how he said to ME he was ready to propose) then he also said that he doesnt know still bout his feelings for this other girl cuz he still loves me n he also feels bad for leaving me if he does. i was so extremely shocked and devastated. i never knew he'd do something like this. he's the kind of person that you'd think is the sweetest most kindest and honest person, to everyone not just to ppl he goes out with. i thot he loved me so badly, at times id think he loves me more than i love him.

the girl's reaction; she was jus shocked n didnt really respond to how he said he'd go for her if she liked him, n instead kind of stood up for me even tho we duno each other. she was saying like how me loving him more than he loves me is something he should be greatful for n that he's so lucky etc. n of course he felt guilty n felt like an a-hole n tried to explain it differently to sound like a better person which was really obvious. first she changed the subject by talkin bout her ex that she was thinking of getting back with cuz he liked her again n my bf gave her advice for a bit then she had to go, n he was like 'wait first i need to expain somethin' n said that "what im really saying is that IF i didnt have a gf, id go for you cuz ud be cool to go out with" n she jus said ok i understand. so atleast i knew she wasnt attracted to him. but wat he said showed that he was embarrassed of being rejected cuz it was obvious she didnt have feelings for him and so he turned it around abit.

this conversation took place 2 or 3days before he spoke to me bout this break idea back in feb. so i thot that his crush on this girl had something to do with the idea of us taking a break, i dunno tho. i read the conversation they had on the day that i was devastated bout the break thing when i stopped talking to him, n he was as devasted as i was bout the situation telling the girl bout how shit he felt, but not into too much detail of how he felt bout me so i couldnt find out bout that cuz she had to go offline.

i read the rest of the convos with her n found that he gradually chatted with her much less than he used to. id find he'd tease her once or twice, probably to hint her that he doesnt like her anymore? i dont know again. cuz in the convos before he told her he liked her he sounded like how he sounded when we first got together, not as obvious but still i could tell. n there wasnt any teasing watsoever.

i called my two best friends, one a guy whose a mutual friend of me n my bf. he told me that my bf may have just felt vulnerable at the time or something n that he couldnt possibly still like the other girl uptil now. he offered to talk to my bf bout how he felt bout me like man to man to find out if he really did mean the things he said to me the day he begged n we got back together and everything else he's been saying to me uptil now.

im so terrified of wat decision i should make. my other best friend whose a girl is totally pissed about it but told that it is possible that he could not feel that way anymore bout the other girl n could love me even more regretting wat he said to the other girl bout me n how he felt for me. but told me i should talk to him bout it straight.

i want to have him answer all the questions i asked him myself this week but through a friend instead of me this time cuz he could jus be saying those things to make me feel better? he seemed like such a stranger in the convos with the girl.

i want to know if he still does love me the same way he did before, if he does still want to have a future with me like he said he does, if he's still attracted to the other girl or any other girl..

im so scared yet trying to stay strong bout the whole thing. im leaving tomorrow back to where i visited from to do some immigration paper stuff to leave the country to move back here next week. i havent even made my decision on when to talk to him or to even talk to him bout it myself at all. i dunno how. and i dont know if theres any point into talking to him myself bout it first cuz i wouldnt be sure if wat he says will be sincere this time cuz he's tole me and the other girl comepletely different things. know wat i mean? ill have to find out through other ppl.

cuz firstly, wat if he totally regrets wat he said or even how he felt bout the other girl n wants to move on from it n completely forget bout it n be with me. cuz thats wat he's like when he makes big mistakes, he always wants to forget bout it n never mention it again cuz of guilt. so should I do the same n move on n pretend i never saw it? n jus talk to him bout it as SOON as i see obvious signs that he's not as intrested in me.

secondly, i am pissed at him for wat he did, and have a feeling deep down that i should jus back off n not be as affectionate, to show him that i have other things to do besides be with him 24/7 (he always keeps me in the house with him or gets sad when i go out cuz he'll miss me or watever, which is sweet in a way but things have to change), and to also get used to not having to depend on him anymore n be strong bout myself. so that if the day comes that he gives up n wants to break up, i can handle it, like i did when i broke off with my other long term ex.

im in such a confusing state right now, i never in my mind expected something like this to truly happen. im so unbelievably disappointed and have no more faith in "serious/long term relationships", i truly believe now that nothing lasts forever. he made me argue that for the passed 2 years and now i jus got a slap on the face from everything he taught me.

i also noticed that the time he'd been telling the other girl bout how he'd go for her n the whole week he'd been talking to her before that doing alittle flirting with some innocent compliments, it was during a time that i was rarely online for 2weeks cuz i had to stay after school to work on a play until night time, n the time difference was very high so by the time im home he's ready to wake up to the nxt morning. i was thinking maybe cuz of me not being that available n him missing me so much left him very vulnerable leading him to have feelings for a girl thats physically there. i dunno. wat u think??

sorry for such a long post but i have to say it in detail so i could get the best feedbacks.
wat do you think his feelings n thoughts are now?
why did he lie to the girl saying i was the one who brought up living together, n that i love him more than he does etc.
should i find it normal for guys to be attracted to another girl whilst with a serious girlfriend anyway - cuz its a guy thing? its instinct. i need guy opinions on this one pls.
should i just learn from wat he said to the girl and be less loveable or clingy or something if thats wat he REALLY thinks of me (ill need to find that out thru our mutual friends)
should i just move on myself? it'll be hard of course cuz since that morning ive been paranoid wondering if he's thinking about her. should i jus move on n learn to pretend that i didnt see that n work on our relationship?
pls say ANYTHING bout all this.. ur opinions.. how i should feel, how i should think, how he could feel, wat he could be thinking..
have any of you gone through something like this? did it work out?
is this kind of problem normal in serious relationships? nothing's perfect, things can work out if you want them to (thats wat my bf told me when he begged me back)

thank you so much for your time.

[babycarrot]

omfg here's another long one. GUYS IM SORRY! Ahah oh its cewine btw! new account! i cant log out for some reason! =( anyway i tried to make it as short n brief as i could BUT LOOK AT IT!! i cant do it!! hahah im a blabber i always want to be as detailed as i wannnnt! sorryy! =( anyway read if u want to:

thank you so much everyone for your opinion, i took every bit of ur posts into consideration and im so happy to hear such good advice and opinions.

about reading the IM's;
yeah i did feel very guilty for reading them after i cooled off bout wat i actually read. i thot like, "i was probably not meant to read that at all" cuz it'd screw with my head n my trust of him for god knows how long..

anyway ive been thinking bout the whole thing, bout wat to say and tried to suck it all in, tried to clear my head n tried to be as understandable as i could bout the situation.. however when it came to confronting him i became alittle more aggressive so he knows that im serious but as understandable as i could be too so he doesnt feel like im controlling him around. i talked to him last night, i jus stood up n told him 'i wanna ask you something'.. n he got up n we were holding each other standing up (its a way of us showing that we're connected n listening to each other). instead of telling him i read the IM's, i told him i heard rumors, however said NO NAMES so i dont involve people cuz i hate doing that. i made it look like "ppl" from his school who are friends with my friends outside of their school have been talking like a casual conversation bout me and my bf. i didnt make it look like they were talkin bout wat my bf did couple months ago online as if they wanted to hurt him so he doesnt get pissed at anyone he could think of. (i know it sucks for me to lie but i took some of ur advices n decided not to tell him bout the IM's)..

i started off asking "if you were hiding something from me, something that would hurt me concerning our relationship and other ppl, would it be for my benefit? to hide it?" course with my blabbing mouth i went into detail with the question so he gets wat im saying lol. n he said "if it was something i regretted, then yeah i wouldnt tell you bout it so we can move passed it.. but that doesnt matter cuz im not hiding anythings! =D" when he said the last sentence he was trying to cheer me up or somethin cuz he could tell i was abit down bout somethin. but i kept my serious look n tone n said "cuz ive been hearing things for the passed week bout you being attracted to another girl a couple months ago before we almost took that break.. even told her u liked her, a girl in ur school".. his eyes popped n eyes got alittle watery all like "what!? who? i never even hang out with a girl, im jus home all day on the computer and" kept going on bout how its impossible for him to do that n saying how he loves me..

the whole time he was explaining i kept looking at him in a way that would make him feel so incredible guilty.. i looked sad yet so serious, it was perfect cuz i wasnt pretending. i interupted him and said "no look.. lets say you did.. whether its outside of ur home or even on chat..*hint*.. i thot bout it and if it was just a temporary crush or attraction u had on some girl, i could deal with that, i really could because id know its jus temporary and that ur a guy and guys tend to have attractions towards other girls even tho theyre in a relationship. i get the impression that u did like a girl, but the day we had that serious argument and talk bout staying together and having a future together back in feb, u felt so unbelievably guilty and regretted saying such a thing to another girl behind my back and decided to forget about her completely and concentrate on us" etc etc..

his eyes became more watery yet tried to hide it.. i could tell that he was feeling the most guilt he's ever felt.. or something like that, n didnt have the strength or self esteem to admit it. thats wat i thot inside, but to him my tone was still aggressive yet wat was coming out of my mouth was understandable. he kept denying it, as if he were begging to not bring it up again cuz he'd already moved on from it. then i told him straight "listen.. i am a strong person, u know how understandable i can be n u know how serious i am right now.. if u still feel anything for another girl, esp if its that same girl i hear u told u liked a couple months ago, then dont want to stick around being some back up and waste MY time giving my all to a person who wont love me the same in return. i have other things to do and i have other ppl in my life. i love you more than anything and i still love you as much as i did 2years ago, my feelings may have been up and down but god knows i still love you, and if u feel the same then im willing to do anything for you. but if you feel like u wanna see other ppl (he interupts n shouts NO i dont want to! i continue..) IF you do.. tell me now, even just a 'yes', cuz dont let me get on that plane back home tomorrow night and wonder if im wasting my time and urs. dont wait til i come back after a week to break up with me, tell me now PLEASE im begging you just tell me (avoiding to cry, stayed strong n serious), n he kept saying "NO, i want to be with you, no one else, i dont like anyone else, cuz i just love YOU, PLEASE understand that, pls believe me.."

i didnt easily believe him and just went on. told him "dont to be with me or love me just because u feel bad that if we break up ill be devastated.. i will be be devastated but i will move on from it." i told him straight, tried to make it somehow easier for him to say 'yes i wanna break up' so i can know the truth if he really wants to. he kept saying no, begging to believe him. i kept finding more ways to make it easier for him to break up with me if he actually always wanted to but he kept hugging me saying "no no no pls celine i want you. i really do" then i finally asked "do u want to be with me? do you want us to keep going? how do u feel about me now?" etc.. n he sounded sincere, he almost cried.

later he looked really pissed bout how "ppl" seem to be "trying to ruin our relationship" as he put it.. thank god i didnt mention names. i told my closest friends that if he spoke to them asking them bout it, they say that its none of their business n they dont wanna be involved.

i decided to give him another chance, i felt relieved, i felt touched that he still wanted to be together after everything ive said to him so frankly.. my best friends who know bout this are really disappointed in him, but hey its our business, its our relationship.. he said he still wants to be with me, he tried to be as sincere as he could, he begged, he teared up.. he may have denied wat he did, but im only gonna see it as because he didnt want to hurt me, and he'd been forgetting and regretting it ever since it happened etc etc. i dunno how to explain..

i also decided that this is the last warning.. i mean it only happened once but im not gone let a guy play me twice, even tho it was a temporary thing.. if he really does love me he wont do it again n realize how incredible our love is.. if i find he does something like this again, im gona walk out, no more chances..

meantime im gona be less dependent on him n be more independent cuz thats one of the things ive learnt from this experience. ill also learn to stop writing such long freakin posts hahah sorry guys. and thanks to all of you who have put up with my writing and blabs, really sorry if i wasted ur time! but i jus wanna say for those who bothered to read everything n reply, u rock!! u really made an impact on my feelings and thoughts and helped a great deal =)

lastly.. if you have any opinions on wat happened in our 'talk', feel free to say anything. do u think he loves me after giving so many chances in breaking up with me to see other ppl n even trying to persuade him yet he still wants me? etc etc say anything.

thanks again everyone =) ill be moving back next week n we'll see from there how our relationship goes =) take care!