one of the more modern stories i'm writing, please don't laugh at my suckiness Options

[RiddleMeWonders]

Comments on how I should integrate the 3 monthes not accounted for in the story would be great. With a story telling from Sarah to Mattais maybe? I dunno.
I also find my hunger for critesism burning, so please please please- Tell me what you think. I would be most grateful.



Once upon a time there was a girl named Sarah. Everyday at 6’Oclock she walked around the block. I shall revise this part, I had trouble with a beginining, i'll submitt a modified version later, but for now this is all

One particular evening, her special cell phone rang as she was walking, which surprised her because only a few special friends knew the number, or that even such a phone existed. These special people lived very far away.

So, in dismay, she answered her phone. Her cheeks were rosy from walking and the autumn leaves whirled around the edges of her feet as she stood on the sidewalk in front of 387 Witchery Lane.

“Hello?” she asked. It took a few moments before Sarah heard a response. “Sarah?”

An unfamiliar voice said her name. Sarah wondered who this person could be.

“Sarah, my name is Tom. I’m sorry to bother you. But I rather have no choice now. My stepsister, Lily, said you might help me.”

Sarah nodded, which she later realized was pointless because Tom couldn’t see her.

“Lily? How is she? Can I speak to her?”

Sarah answered him in a distant voice remembering the last time she saw Lily.
They’d been saying goodbye at the airport, hugging and promising to talk at least once a week. She felt a stinging lack of friendship points; she hadn’t talked to Lily for 6 months.

“She was fine when I left, she’s been quite busy with the wedding plans of our parents you see, and now she’s finally resting. You can’t speak with her I’m afraid. You see, I’m in a bit of a mess. I ran away here, to America. I’m in Houston now, and I’ve little money left. Sarah, I just got on a plane and got as far away as I could from London. Can you help me?”

“You need a place to stay then?”

“Yes, but you’re a few hours away aren’t you?”

“My uncle lives outside of Houston. Do you think you could get a cab to take you to Lake Jackson? I’d be there tomorrow.”

“Yes… I think I could manage that.”
“Let me give you the address. It’s…”

Sarah called her uncle immediately after she’d hung up with Tom and made arrangements for her to travel to Lake Jackson as she had told Tom. Her parents were out of town, so she’d only to call their hotel and tell them she’d gone to spend the weekend with her cousins. They thought it was a good idea and had ‘shopping money’ sent to her Uncle’s bank for her to pick up upon arrival.


3 months later



She tucked her knees up under her chin and lowered her arms around them. Her eyes were closed and she breathed slowly rethinking everything that had happened. No one had followed her and the boy to the airport. She’d thrown away the cell phone weeks ago before they’d arrived in the country, so no calls could have been traced. Unless someone looking for them had spotted them there was no way the kidnappers would have been able to find her and Tom. Could it have been a grocer from the city? The chances were slim; they’d never gone to the same store twice. No, it must have been someone they knew. Some one had opened their mouths. Not even Mattais knew where Sarah and Tom were.

Her parents could have sent someone, maybe a double agent. That was it; her parents might not be the brightest people, but they were certainly wealthy enough to afford a detective. Someone must have been around from the get go to find Sarah, and found someone who paid more than her parents. Tracking them, until they though they were safe. Who? How? Sarah was very good at disappearing. What about Tom? Had he broken any of the rules she’d laid out? No phone calls, no fingerprints, no checks. Always wear sunglasses, a cap, and gloves. No socializing. Had he obeyed her? Or was he in his stupidity, the cause of the end of them both? Sarah could only wonder as she say that way in the back of a white van, gagged with her hands and feet bound. She’d managed to loosen the knot between her wrists, but even still, the ropes were very irritating as they cut into her skin.

“One of the things you’ll learn about us, Sarah, is that we know all. Sure, you’ve managed to loosen that rope we restrained you with, but we really didn’t need the rope anyway.” The voice from the front of the van was disguised, and laughed at her without actually laughing. Sarah lowered her head and pretended to sob……….



Mattais sat in the living room of Sarah’s parents. The room was quite modern, a white throw rug over a black wooded floor. On the rug sat the couch, and upon that Mattais and Sarah’s father. Her mother sat in a steel rocking chair, using it quite a lot for its purpose

“Matthew, have you been contacted by Sarah recently?”

“I thought your investigator friend was done questioning us, and was looking for Sarah.”

“He’s disappeared as well. He last contacted us with a photograph taken of Sarah and of a boy. Have you any idea who the boy is? I know that before Sarah disappeared she’d gone you your house for the weekend. I know that there, too in Lake Jackson, she was seen this boy. Our investigator brought up some disturbingly absurd hypothesis about the boys identity. He said that he thought they’d run off together to get married or some absurd thing. Sarah would never do anything like that. There’d be no point. We let her do as she wishes, so long as she tells us what’s going on.”

Mattais took the photograph that Nicholas had held out.

[HelloSunshine]

I like where it's heading..but you should try to brainstorm for the 3 month period..it's a bit hard to undertand. Perhaps.. someone's out to get Tom so they run away together to hide from the people trying to get him? Hmm..I'm not sure, but good job so far It sounds like an interesting story.