scared of commitment, is anyone else sacred of committing? Options

[gohomejes]

i think i'm relationship retarded. no really guys.

is anyone here scared of commitment? or relationships?

i think i sort of am. i have met this wonderful guy over a year ago. we were together for a year..we broke up about a month ago b/c i said i couldn't do it anymore. i really loved him..love him, still do..like i am honestly hurting right now. i have been but i have just filled up my days so i dont have time to think about it. he cares so much for me..he loves me so much.

gosh..there were days we'd talk like 16 hours at a time. but you know..i like..being free? like i enjoy just going and reading a book or watching tv by MYSELF. just having alone time..i enjoy being by myself. he got annoyed with that b/c lately we have both been busy..mainly me and i did those times when we "could have been together" i like just going out with friends and not telling him everything i'm done..i like going out with my family..etc. just not having to tell him everything i am doing..when i'm doing it..with who..him getting upset if i talk about some guy joking around with me.

if something is wrong i dont like to talk about it RIGHT AWAY i want to have some time to just THINK and let it sink in. that drove him up the wall b/c he rather me tell him right away.

i wish i could be in a relationship where i could still love them but then not have to tell them every single thing and spend every single moment of my free time with them. does that mean i dont love the person? i dont think it does. now it sounds like i only want a person around when they are convenient. not true. ANYDAY i rather listen to J tell me whats wrong them me talking. i just enjoy listening and helping rather then burdening others with my crap.

so am i afraid of commitment? relationships? i really dont know. can anyone..sort of relate here? at all? i feel so stupid ;/

[gohomejes]

Wow, i wasn't sure anyone would read all that ;x

I know i love doing things by myself but don't think that i hate being with him. i love every minute i spend with him. he makes me happy * infinity. you guys don't even understand. the things he says, makes me feel like i'm the most beautiful, specialist (yes i know its not a word) girl on this earth. but sometimes i just want to be by myself. like before him i never have opened up to anyone ever. so its just so different.

towards the end we were constantly arguing and it got to be so much. so i know that was a factor as well. he says i "threw him away" i really dont think i did that. i mean i still want to talk to him. i want to be his friend but he says he loves me too much and it hurts. he wants it all or nothing.

after we broke up..he's really good at masking his feelings. like you couldn't even tell he had ever liked me..let alone love. that hurts man.

but after reading your guys comments, i called him today. we had actually been talking but nothing like huge. just like "hey, hi how are you" type thing. and i really talked to him. the first hour was just nonsense bullshit. but then we really started talking. and i thought a little bit into it b/c it just seemed we were arguing and he was like "Jes we aren't arguing, we have both kept our composure, no one hung up on each other, no one is yelling, we're just saying how we perceived things. i know i can keep my composure, if you can too, we can do this" just things like that. ah, makes me happy. also things he said like "I never wanted it to end, and I still wish it hadn't ended...I tried to accept the fact that you don't want me but if you're going to call me I can't do that....do I wish you'd just say right now that you loved me and wanted things to go back the way they used to be...of course I do, I won't lie"

and i asked him why couldn't he just simply be friends & talk and he said something like

"because I have feelings for you. I want to be able to say I love you and you say the same thing back, when we both actually mean it...I want to be with you every day and so much more....I don't want to just be another friend...I don't feel that way about you, I can't lie about that...and I won't lie about this either, it would truly be a dagger in my heart if you ended up with another guy"

ah, yes. i'm one happy gal right now

and that was 7 hours ago. i was with him for a good 6 hours. it feels awesome

thank you girls on here VERY much b/c i dont think i would have talked to him if some of you hadn't said what you had. i appreciate it very much. <3