All Of The Things, That He'll Never Know Options

[Sa-Chan]

This is a story made from a journal entry I did today...

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I'm sitting on the beach, watching the sun set. I find it odd that I didn't notice that when the sun sets it's more beautiful over water than anywhere else. I inhale the sharp ocean air. It's even odder that I never noticed when I was younger that it was so much easier to breathe in the air by the sea. Then again...I suppose in my youth I didn't notice very much. With time, and pain my naive nature has been almost completely masked. Perhaps that is for the better.

Staring up at the brilliant colors blending together; the purples, the oranges, the faint pinks...I wonder why I hadn't been to the ocean, the sea, the beach, this beautiful place, in such a long time. In fact, I hadn't even thought of this place since that night when you and I talked of it. Do you remember? No, perhaps you don't. You were going to hold me, as we listened to the sound of the waves, and pointed out constellations. The only difference in the setting that I've found myself in now is that there are no stars out. At least not yet. I've often wondered how you knew I liked stars...because I never told you.

I never told you a lot of things, come to think of it. I never told you why the sound of your voice over the phone hurt me. I never told you that when I said I wasn't jealous, and didn't despise all the girls you called your "bestfriend", I was lying. I never told you that at any given point; at any day, any minute, any second...I would have gladly laid down my life to appease you. I never told you that it wasn't always about you, that it wasn't always your fault. I never told you...that sometimes it was just about me. I guess, you never really cared to know, or you would have asked.

My friends would call me silly if they could see me now. I just call myself stupid as I draw my name, followed by yours, encircled by a heart, in the sand. The tide will come to sweep the sand away, and with our names, our love will die. Stupid, that I am, to build love with something so fragile as sand by the sea. Moreover though, I am foolish to believe that such a love could last, and my heart would not be washed away with it. Nothing can withstand the power, and the honesty of such a thing as the ocean.

I remember laughing. I remember at one time being very happy. You gave that to me, I hope you know. It was like a gift from God, and you were my angel. You restored the faith in me that I had long since abandoned, but really it more of abandoned me. I knew that gifts from above didn't last forever, or the balance between good and evil would be more one-sided. I knew this...I knew this. I promise you, that I woke up everyday thinking it would be our last. Perhaps you should have as well.

Once, you told me you reminded yourself of a love-sick girl, and you giggled in such an odd way afterwards that you reminded me of a love-sick girl too. When I inquired as to why you reminded yourself of that; you simply replied, "I keep drawing your name with mine". Maybe that's when I began to do the same, and it's quite obvious, that I have yet to stop. Though, I often wonder, when you started to view our names as different words...rather than one in the same.

I have many fears in this world. One, which is quite possibly the greatest, is love. With that said, you are a great fear of mine as well. Love must end one day. It's common knowledge no matter how hard we try to forget. It was always in the back of my head, that you would leave, and find yourself a better girl. Love ends, and you can't deny it. You've been with other girls before, you've loved them, you've kissed them, you've left them, and you've regretted it...but you've always moved on. One day you'll regret me, and after that you'll move on.

I could dwell on this forever. I could probably think of it till I died. However, I simply stand, and stare out at the ocean. The sun has disappeared, it's probably half way across the world by now, and the stars have yet to appear. All that remains is a darkness so deep I can no longer discern the end of the sea from the beginning of the sky. I turn, and begin my voyage home...knowing the tide will wash away our love very soon...

[nightsong]

I really, really love this, --especially the seventh paragraph.

This is what I'm going through right now.

Good job.

xo, Pauline