Death Day, Poem Options

[tainted_faerie]

This is for my dad Constructive critism please

Happy Death Day
I miss you,
sometimes too much
To hug you,
would be a gift-like gods touch

My tears,
are full of selfishness
My fears,
are nothing but memories missed

Taken from my curling hand.
Clutched so tight-like making glass from sand.

Please know I am okay
and I know i'll see you one day
Know that I love you,
and I will come what may,
Till I see you again, Happy Death Day.

-Tainted_Faerie '05

R.I.P 2/24/85

[Kill_Drake]

the rhyming seems a bit awkward, maybe you should try revising it some to make the flow better.

the concept is very beautiful, i can relate, i lost my mother a long time ago. If you read it out-loud, you'll see what i mean by saying it's awkward. try to make it flow more by making the syllables more parallel.

for example:

if the first line has 3 syllables, try to make the line that rhymes with it have close to or the same amount of syllables to make it have better meter/beat. clapping with the syllables to count them helps.

that's all i can really offer, email me if you ever need some more help with poetry. and try some poetry that doesn't rhyme, it's a lot more free and open. i think you have potential

[RiddleMeWonders]

the rhyming seems a bit awkward, maybe you should try revising it some to make the flow better.

the concept is very beautiful, i can relate, i lost my mother a long time ago.  If you read it out-loud, you'll see what i mean by saying it's awkward.  try to make it flow more by making the syllables more parallel.

for example:

if the first line has 3 syllables, try to make the line that rhymes with it have close to or the same amount of syllables to make it have better meter/beat.  clapping with the syllables to count them helps.

that's all i can really offer, email me if you ever need some more help with poetry.  and try some poetry that doesn't rhyme, it's a lot more free and open.  i think you have potential

Word homes.

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In a nutshell, I think the idea was great, writing something for him... Despite the fact that it needs work, the overall idea is wonderful. Happy Death-day.
*nods*
Good job.