A message to anyone, verson 2.0 Options

[*Azarel*]

Since Vinh's topic reached 20 pages, here's the new one.
"It'd be neat if people could write about someone that's on their mind right now, in an anonymous message. It can be about love, crush, hate, issues. Just don't turn it into thread where it needs to be closed."

I wonder what I mean to you.

[*Azarel*]

I can't really begin to express what I feel about you; it's a bit ambivalent, really. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel either, so that doesn't help much. We grew close over the last few months of last year. And then things fell apart. I can't say whose fault it was, simply because I don't know, but now it's just strange. After that call, I waited for you to apologize first; I'd always seemed to be the one giving in before that. But I refused to this time; I even made a pact with Jenn.. In the end, I went back on my word.

Before winter break, I remember looking forward to going home so I could talk to you. That's all I really wanted back then. I was stoked when I got your letter; I felt truly loved, which doesn't happen that often anymore. I woke up early for you so I could call you and talk. I wrote letters to you. ..I was sprung.

Now, I just don't know. For a month, I waited for you to talk to me.. I waited for you to call me. Nothing. I tried to get over you; of course, I failed. I just don't easily fall this hard for someone; it's not just a little crush I can get over in a week. It's much more. You know how much you meant to me. You proceeded to completely use my heart as a cutting board.

This week, I haven't been getting much sleep. Three out of five days, I went to bed late because of homework and woke up early to talk to you. I called you one morning, but you were asleep and wouldn't wake up to talk to me. I cried. I felt like shit. That day, I felt utterly insignificant. When I IM you, you nearly always log off on me. When we do talk, you never say goodnight to me or even goodbye before you log off; I'm always left dangling in the middle of the conversation. I leave those windows open until I turn off the computer. It hurts knowing that I mean nothing to you.

I know it's a bit cliché.. but forgive me when I say this because I now know what it feels like: a part of me has died. I feel empty without you. I feel this constant want for something, and when I try to remember what it is, I think of you. Do you know how often I think about you each day? How much I wonder about "us"? Is there an "us" at all? Will there ever be? I poured my heart out to you in the letter I sent you, I don't know if you can tell. But that's pure passion on those sheets of paper.. pure emotion. What to do about our situation? I still haven't heard back from you. Will I ever..? I'm beginning to lose hope..

Little things you do, though, little things, give me some hope. But this newfound hope baffles me. Am I supposed to believe that you want me? Am I supposed to disregard what you say? I'm getting mixed signals, and I don't know what to believe anymore. I've figured out that I put much more into this.. whatever it is we have.. than I should. I put more effort and emotion into loving you than you probably deserve. Because I'd always been led to believe that true love was unconditional. It's supposed to be. I know it is. So I suppose it was a lie then, "I really love you." I remember it clearly, even if I don't have the logs to back it up. I remember what you said. It just makes it hurt that much more.

Nick Chu, waccoon, intrigue, whoever you are, I love you. I want you to know that I'm still waiting for you. I'm still here.