A story I've been, working on Options

[*iNyCxShoRT*]

Well it's very long so if you're bored, be my guest. This is a portion of the first chapter, tell me what you guys think. It's called "Taylor, She's Gone"

Taylor and Annaleese were great friends, nothing could split them apart. They’ve been the best of friends since they were in their diapers and are still as close as ever till this day. Taylor was a handsome young boy no more than in his preteen years, about 11 going on 12 this December. Annaleese was just the same, she was a pretty little thing. She had locks of golden hair and beautiful green eyes too match with them Annalesse had a strong liking for Taylor ever since Taylor and her went on to their elementary years. She wasn’t sure if Taylor felt the same, but either way he treated her with great respect.
Everyday Taylor would come over to Annaleese’s and have some dinner, or it was the other way around. One night in particular where Taylor’s parents had set sail on a voyage for a week or so, Annaleese’s parents allowed him to sleep over; they slept in the same room in separate beds of course. The whole night they spent the night chatting away, about school, about their deepest wishes, and about how long they thought they would be together for. But one day, Taylor’s dad came home from a promotion at work. There was bad news; Taylor’s family had to move all the way to Indonesia. But Taylor promised that he would write and Annaleese the same.
That very next day Annaleese went to see off Taylor and his parents at the dock. She wiped a tear with a sleeve of her knitted sweater and hugged Taylor tight. Taylor was crying as well…she could sense it in his hug. It was different from the ones that they normally shared. This on was warm and as if he didn’t want to let her go. She wished the hug would’ve lasted forever but it soon came to an end. Suitcase in hand, Taylor and his parents boarded the ship. Taylor glanced back one more time. As if seeing if Annalesse would follow him aboard the ship, but he knew she wouldn’t. He gave one last sob and waved goodbye. Annaleese heaved, she didn’t want Taylor to go…but what could she do?
They soon lost touch when it hit Annaleese’s 12th birthday. Annaleese had lost interest in everything, school, food, and even her hobby for horseback! One night as Annalesse cried herself to sleep, she heard a thudding noise. She sprang up and saw to her horror that her bedroom door was being kicked down! She curled back under the covers, hoping that the person behind the door would soon leave her alone if they saw she was sleeping. The door finally fell with a thud and a shadowy figure came toward her. She shivered in fear. “Annaleese, the time has come for you to leave your home behind…” His voice was some what soothing...but yet strong in volume and its words. He took his time with his words. Unlike the typical adult who spoke in jitters. Annaleese was terrified and didn’t know what to do! “Ex-excuse me m-m-m-mister…b-b-b-b-but who are ya-ya-you?”
The man looked into her eyes and slowly spoke, “I do apologize if I have frightened you, and my name is Will, William Tamarian. At first Annaleese didn’t know whether to say “Mister Tamarian”, “Will”, or “Sir William”. William could see that she was troubled, and told her that she could call her “Will” Annaleese finally stopped shaking and asked him politely why he had come here. He took a deep breath and spoke calmy, “Annaleese, my dear young child. There is much for you to learn, and that is why you can no longer stay here with your parents. For you see, many children of your age wouldn’t dare leave their parent until they were married or such. But you are not like those children, at least not anymore. I am sorry to say these people that you live with, are not your parents. They are merely your guardians, yet they have no idea. You…you are not Annaleese either. Your real name is Ellana Tamoriau. Our last names are quite similar. And it is because, I am your uncle…you Ellana are part of the reapers of the night. Meet your brother…Toboris Tamoriau, but you can call him Toby.”

Portion 2 of "Taylor she's gone"
A boy, a little younger than herself walked into the room. He was wearing the same uniform as Will. He had a short dagger tucked away safely at the side of his waist. He bowed down, but didn’t pull out his hand to greet her. He merely stared and said, “Pleasure, you are quite the pretty little thing, aren’t ya Ellana?” he spoke in a British and semi-Irish tone. But Ellana found it adorable, she couldn’t help smiling. Toby frowned, “Have you no manners of such; you do not bow down in response what so ever? Aye, Will we be having ourselves a bad one, mate.” To Ellana’s surprise Will smacked Toby with the back of his hand. “Toboris! You are the one with no manners, have I taught you nothing, young boy?” Toby rubbed the back of his head where Will’s hand recently pressed against. “I apologize, Will. Please forgive me.” Will glared at Toby and Toby realized his mistake. “My dear Ellana, please forgive me foolishness, I acted with such selfishness.” He grabbed her hand and kissed it. Ellana blushed, he had quite the manners and a cute charm as well, she couldn’t say no. “Well…I forgive you, Toby.”
He smiled and bowed down once more then silently walked over to Will’s side. “Am I gonna have to learn to talk like that?” Will laughed, “I am afraid it is part of our family, Ellana.” Will stop laughing when he saw the time and said something to Toby. Toby nodded, he searched into his backpack that was slung over his shoulder. Toby threw a dagger at Ellana. Ellana screamed, Toby ran over and placed a hand over her mouth. “Ellana, you must be quiet, any sound louder than a dropping pin we could be caught, look the only reason I threw that dagger at you, was because I thought you would catch it. It is in our blood that we are brave and nothing near being clumsy am I not right Uncle Will?” Will smiled proudly, “You speak the truth young Toboris.”
Ellana blushed in embarrassment and asked, “But why, uncle are you called the Killers of the night?” Will stopped smiling as well as Toby. “Well, Ellana the reason why I have come to get you all of a sudden is because, if you were to age one more year than you already re. You would have died. You see, if I hadn’t come and take you to travel with me and Toboris, you wouldn’t we learn the ways of the Killers we are! It is…very complicated, we cannot travel in the morning or the afternoon. But once the clock strikes, and the sun goes down. We can travel as we please. And if we don’t kill…we Ellana, will die.
Tingg…Tongg…Uncle Will and Toby both glanced at the grandfather clocked as the clock struck 12. “It is time we take our leave, Ellana. There is much for you to learn. And of course you must meet a dear friend of mine.”
It seemed like hours since Ellana had just left her cozy home on the corner of Tallyban Street. She collapsed on the floor, she wasn’t used to such harsh temperature. It was freezing outside, late in winter. Toby and Will stopped to see if see was okay. Ellana glanced at Toby, he was breathing hard yet he did not whine or complain. She got up and they continued their walk.

[baller30]

that's really good you should continue writing it

[Paradox of Life]

That's WAY too long for a portion of a first chapter. I think it's good for a prologue, introducing into whatever plot there's going to be. It's easy to read, smooth and it's not too confusing. Try making it less predictable. I can already guess that Taylor likes Analeese the way she likes him. Two good looking people of opposite gender, what else do you think would happen? Then again, I may be wrong.
So, I'll shut up. Keep up the good work.

[*iNyCxShoRT*]

^ Thanks so much for your opinions, yeah i might consider making that the prologue.

[loljuliana]

when i read it; i somehow thought of Cirque du Freak. keep writing >=) i wanna read the whole thing

[*iNyCxShoRT*]

^ Well i did get inspired from that book. =) I posted a new portion of it up so feel free to read more!

[ItzOnlySydney]

wow that's so long. lol but very good please keep writing =)