My Short story, needs improving criticism WANTED!! Options

[dispn0ygonekrazy]

“Kevin time to get up sweetie” Mary said. “Hey mom why are you waking me up so early” Kevin growled. “Oh Kevin stop it just get up and get ready for school.” Kevin and his mom are close and she understands him well, Kevin wouldn’t know what to do without her. He has problems that he keeps to himself and doesn’t really like to talk about it, but with his mom he feels ok. “Kevin you know about my sickness right”? “What sickness mom?” Kevin asked. “Well I went to the doctor yesterday and…well I have cancer.” “What!” Kevin yelled. “Why do you have cancer? How did you get it? Mom Why”? Kevin kept asking her. As sad as he is Kevin went to school without saying a word to his mom, not a goodbye, kiss, or even a word.
Kevin has problems in his school too because no one understands him, he’s the one always getting picked on and made fun of. Even his so called friends aren’t even his friends. But the two girls Jen and Jill are as close as friends as anyone else. “Hi Kevin” Jill and Jen said. “Hey hi guys”. “Kevin what’s wrong?” Jen asked. “Nothing I don’t want to talk about it” Kevin in a sad voice. The bell rang and it was time for class, Kevin couldn’t think about anything else but his mother. “Mom why…don’t leave me please.” A bang on the table “Kevin wake up!” Mr. Glenn yelled. “This is no time to be sleeping, you have a big test tomorrow and you’re sleeping, to the Deans.” “But Mr. Glenn”, “No Buts get moving.” Instead of Kevin going to the Deans he went to go cut and stay in the back of the school. Jen and Jill see Kevin wondering why he isn’t in class, and stopped to see what’s wrong. “Kevin what is wrong” Jen asked, “Nothing just leave me alone please” Kevin said. “Why are you always like this? Why do you always think we’re not your friends?” Jen cried. “Just get out of here I don’t want to talk about it, and I hate it when you keep asking me what’s wrong” Kevin yelled back. “Kevin” Jen said, “Just get out of my way and don’t come near me” Kevin replied. He didn’t go to any of his classes that day and went straight home.
The phone rings its Kevin’s school saying he has missed all his classes today, Kevin comes through the door staring at his mom. “Kevin why weren’t you in school today”, “I don’t want to talk about mom just leave me alone”, “Kevin!” his mom yelled. He locked himself in the room and started to cry. “Why am I treated so different, what did I ever do so wrong.” His mom comes up the stairs and knocks on the door. “Kevin can I come in?” Mary asked, “Ok mom.” “Why are you crying sweetie?” Mary asked, “I don’t know mom, I just keep thinking what would if you die and leave me alone” “Oh Kevin that will never happen, just because I have cancer that doesn’t mean I will die right away” “I know mom but it just keeps staying in my head” “Jen and Jill are good friends of yours Kevin, its ok to talk about your problems with them, and I think Jen has a crush on you” “Very funny mom, but yeah I know I can talk to them but its hard for me to talk about how I feel and my problems, if I think about I cry mom” “It’s because you keep it all inside and don’t let it out, if you keep building it up more inside there will be a point where you cant hold it no more”. Kevin thinks about the conversation he and his mom has, and wants to try her advice.
Kevin goes to school the next day and sees Jen. “Hey Jen”, “Hey Kevin” Both asked at same time. Kevin looks shy around her now ever since his mom says she likes him, and the first time he likes a girl. “I’m sorry about yesterday I didn’t mean to make you cry” “It’s ok Kevin I know you didn’t mean to” “I wanted to ask you something Jen” “Yes Kevin?” “I had this talk with my mom and I know I shouldn’t be keeping things inside me because later on it’ll just hurt me more” “Uh huh” “Well what I’m trying to say is umm…I like you Jen”. Jen looked so surprised and happy. “I cried yesterday because I like you a lot and to see you hurt and sad hurts me too.” Kevin was speechless he didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry” Kevin says. “No Kevin, don’t say sorry its ok.” Jen smiled at Kevin, for the first time Kevin seems to smile a lot more now. “Kevin I’ll always be here for you ok” Jen said. Hearing those words Kevin breaks down and cries on his knees. For awhile now Jen and Kevin become boyfriend and girlfriend but his mom’s cancer is getting worse and she doesn’t tell Kevin. The phone rings. “Hello” Kevin says. “This is the county Hospital, we’re calling on behalf of Mary”, “Yes” “I’m sorry to say this but your mom has died due to the cancer she has”. Kevin is shocked he doesn’t know what to say or what to do. Instead he falls on his knees and blanks out. “Hello are you there”, the county Hospital still on the line.
Kevin wakes up his tears all over the floor forming a puddle; he calls Jen to come over. Jen quickly comes and finds Kevin sitting on the floor his eyes red and his face worn out. “Thanks mom for everything, it’s ok that you died, you’ve helped me talk about how I feel inside and let it out, I’ll pray to god every night just to check up on you and make sure your ok” Kevin talks to himself. “Jen I love you”, Kevin says “I love you to Kevin.” Though Kevin is hurt he’ll always remember his mom, if he had held all that pain inside and kept it more for his mom, he wouldn’t be himself anymore. But he wakes everyday as her voice echoes in his head “Kevin sweetie time to wake up”

[Paradox of Life]

You have a good concept on writing but I think the whole story is a little unrealistic. A mother doesn't go up to a child, saying, "You know about my sickness, right?" Um. It's a lot rougher than that.
There's a lot of dialogue. Probably too much. It's mostly comprised of just talking and talking. If you want there to be a smooth flow of events, show what Kevin is doing and what he feels. Describe more about Jill and Jen. At first, they're introduced as equals. Maybe you should elaborate on how Jen is special. You didn't even say a word about what they looked like. It just automatically went back into speech.
You need to work on using better wordings. Truthfully, there's nothing too special about this story. You need a LOT more elaboration. It's way too blunt and the events just seem to be told with no emotion. This could use a lot of work. Your best bet is just starting over and changing the whole structure of your story, but this is just my opinion.

[dispn0ygonekrazy]

hahah a quickie 40 min short story lol i know damn well theres hella errors and confusing areas in the text but need more criticm from tohers b4 i make a 2nd draft hahah