untimely blessings., a monologue of sorts. Options

[*stephinika*]

like i said, its a monologue of sorts that kinda just spontaneously got written...its written concerning something going on in my life but with no actual direct reference to my exact problem/concerns. yes i meant to do that, to keep it vague. so if you actually understand it in a way, i applaud you.


So here I am again, thinking the same things over and over again inside my mind, the same things that have come to haunt me the many nights I’ve failed to fall asleep as tears stream down my face. The uncertainty of life and its occurrences are slowly driving me to the brink of insanity, for it’s these uncertainties that halt me from making decisions, therefore leading to the ultimate decision of indecision. I used to search for happiness, what I thought was perfection. At one point some time in my past, I thought I’d found what I’d sought out for, but now I am not so sure of myself anymore…two similar, yet so very different ideals of happiness have stepped into my life, two ideals that could make my life so unbelievably perfect, but together, could so very easily rip my life apart. This contradiction is playing with my mind, throws things out of proportion, makes the hated question of ‘what if?’ appear consistently and repeatedly in my head. I know the only solution to such a problem is to make a proper decision between the two, but deep down I know I don’t want to. I’m selfish and I want both, however much I know that that possibility can’t ever be.
What I originally found and thought would make me happy is faithful to me…I know that it can make me happy, or so I thought until recently. My initial discovery has changed slightly, and revealed a few small imperfections. Such imperfections are indeed possible to live with, but will these scratches and scars grow? Will they come to cause me more damage in the future? Perhaps not on purpose, but eventually what I first thought was happiness, could easily change into more pain and suffering, into much more than I can handle.
On the other hand, my new find appears to offer me so much more…but in reality it isn’t a new find. My eyes and mind have merely opened wider, bringing this discovery into my range of vision. This illusion of perfection has found itself partially in my grasp, and this ideal and I fit together flawlessly, or so it seems thus far. It’s not perfect, but it appears to be so perfect for me….its one fault, will it withstand time? And in the end, will it make me happy, or fail me miserably leaving me alone and broken?
Its decisions like these that keep me awake at night, unable to fall asleep as the dreaded ‘what ifs?’ fill my thoughts. It’s this kind of confusion and doubt that is slowly killing me inside and causes me to cry silent tears full of sadness and remorse. It’s untimely blessings such as this that cause me to create such melodrama about such life-changing, yet insignificant choices that inevitably end up being the most important to me.

[xTINAA]

Steph I love it. And I think I know what you were writing about. It wasn't vague at all to me. It was beautifully written and I love the title. It's wonderful, good job.

[inthemudhole]

Lovely job, Steph.
Very well-written, and very descriptive.
You're a very good writer.
I loved it. I'm sure a lot of people out there can relate.
Nice job.