untitled, someone help? XD |
 Jan 24 2005, 08:17 AM
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#1
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 Canadian Boyfriend, I think it's time  Group: Member Posts: 450 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 40,705  |
I wrote this while my dad was busy telling mom how stupid i was write in front of my face
I try and walk away from your stupid psychodelic sherade (sp?) Because all the love in your face quickly fades You scream harsh words;be quiet, I already heard How I am stupid and worthless and utterly absurd Locked in my room, I look back and reflect How Your harsh words scarred me through neglect Put on your fake image and let's pretend That our tragic dilemma has come to an end Nothing became of this cause they believe we live in bliss And you won't accept the fact that your completely horendous (sp?) Run off;slam the door while I'm face down on the floor They'll imagine that I just fell once more Locked in my room, I look back and reflect How Your harsh words scarred me through neglect Put on your fake image and let's pretend That our tragic dilemma has come to an end These tears in my eyes;the black bruises on my thighs Are merely the result of failed tries To kill your daughter;your attempted man slaughter But its all concealed by the material things you bought her Locked in my room, I look back and reflect How Your harsh words scarred me through neglect Put on your fake image and let's pretend That our tragic dilemma has come to an end Comments and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism wanted and needed |
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| *stephinika* |
Jan 24 2005, 10:35 AM
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#2
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well written. i like your choice of words.
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Jan 24 2005, 04:15 PM
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#3
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Canadian Boyfriend, I think it's time Group: Member Posts: 450 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 40,705 |
QUOTE(stephinika @ Jan 24 2005, 10:35 AM) well written. i like your choice of words.  Thanks. 
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Jan 24 2005, 04:49 PM
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#4
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*Influential Guitarist & Inspiring Writer* Group: Official Member Posts: 1,217 Joined: Sep 2004 Member No: 51,134 |
dayum homie good choice of words and uhhhm i like the rhyming but
this part of ur writing is kinda dont make sense to me When you lock me in my room I have to reflect The harsh words you've thrown and pierced my neck So go put on the fake family image and let's pretend That our dramatic epidimic has come to an end id kinda rewrite it like this locked in my room i look back and reflect your harsh words scarred me through my neglect put on your fake image and lets pretend that our false bond between us has fall to and end |
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Jan 24 2005, 06:07 PM
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#5
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 Yawn Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 9,530 Joined: Nov 2004 Member No: 65,772 |
wow great job...tho i'm very sorry about your family life
 but you did an awesome job with the poem, keep it up!
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Jan 24 2005, 06:43 PM
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#6
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Canadian Boyfriend, I think it's time Group: Member Posts: 450 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 40,705 |
QUOTE(dispn0ygonekrazy @ Jan 24 2005, 4:49 PM) dayum homie good choice of words and uhhhm i like the rhyming but this part of ur writing is kinda dont make sense to me When you lock me in my room I have to reflect The harsh words you've thrown and pierced my neck So go put on the fake family image and let's pretend That our dramatic epidimic has come to an end id kinda rewrite it like this locked in my room i look back and reflect your harsh words scarred me through my neglect put on your fake image and lets pretend that our false bond between us has fall to and end Wow. THanks. ^^ I really like that, appreciate it. I'll change and once again, thanks QUOTE(KissMe2408 @ Jan 24 2005, 6:07 PM) wow great job...tho i'm very sorry about your family life but you did an awesome job with the poem, keep it up!Ah, thanks. That's two of us. And thanks again. ^^ |
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Jan 24 2005, 11:39 PM
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#7
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 LunchboxXx Group: Member Posts: 1,789 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,810 |
"To kill your daughter;your attempted man slaughter"
that there is my favorite line. it's pretty good. now for the constuctive criticism. i think you missused the word "epidemic". an epidemic is a disease that reaches alot of people, but this song is exclusively about your dad, right? i suggest you replace it with somthing such as "dilemma" or a synonym for fight. perhaps "struggle". somthing along those lines. in the chorus where it says "through my neglect", i'd drop the "my". just an idea, though. and, for your next writing, might i suggest longer verses? just an idea. |
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Jan 25 2005, 08:02 AM
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#8
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Canadian Boyfriend, I think it's time Group: Member Posts: 450 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 40,705 |
QUOTE(ryfitaDF @ Jan 24 2005, 11:39 PM) "To kill your daughter;your attempted man slaughter" that there is my favorite line. it's pretty good. now for the constuctive criticism. i think you missused the word "epidemic". an epidemic is a disease that reaches alot of people, but this song is exclusively about your dad, right? i suggest you replace it with somthing such as "dilemma" or a synonym for fight. perhaps "struggle". somthing along those lines. in the chorus where it says "through my neglect", i'd drop the "my". just an idea, though. and, for your next writing, might i suggest longer verses? just an idea. Thanks lunchbox. ^^ I changed it. Appreciate all of you guys' help. |
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