What I Want, self driven essay posted on my xanga Options

[RiddleMeWonders]

I was sitting in my room a few nights ago... and I was sick of hearing myself say "If only..." or "I'm tired..." "I'm sick of never..." I wanted to know what I wanted... And I sat down with my pen to figure it out. A few days ago I decided that I was going to put it on my xanga, and I got good feedback there, from a few close friends. But I wanted to know what you thought.
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What I Want

For the past few years I've wanted to write a story. I've sat down to do it many trimes , but always got back up again. I love the way ink looks on crisp white notebook paper. I love the sound of my pen moving across it, making a small scratching noise. I love how when I write, I can tell afterward where I've gotten exicited by looking at my handwriting. But somehow through all this I have never been able to finsih a story or even get past a few chapters. Maybe fiction is not my area just yet. Maybe a real story, I will be able to tell. Maybe I will truly be able to say that I told a story with passion, truth, beauty and love found in a world we walk in every day. The first step in writing is finding your story. Where will I find it? I have to open my eyes, and listen carefully. My story will find me. It and I will wrestle at first, because it will be too big and wild for my pen to harness. When we have finally come to terms we will charm the paper, my pen, ink and I, So that when a reader comes along, they too will be a charmer in turn by the paper. And this is not about winning any sort of award, or becoming famous, or getting published. It's about START and FINISH and all the roads between. For I walk those roads. I wander; I run those pathways and explore the turns. My story shares the air I breathe and it's making it's way to me right now.
There is also the delima of signing my writing.

Do I sign it with the name I was given, or with the name I made for myself? It's my name, and only those who have witnessed my mental workings and events, not the physical know me by it and agree that it is suiting. Rowen is my name, but it is not my only name. My first name is Lindsey and my surname is Kimbrow, so where did Rowen come from? Where is her place? I used to feel like I had two lives. The first was my original, the life I lead, the one I show to the world everyday. The one who knows a little about everything for no apparent reason, and is never in just one place, who wants to do many things but feels she can never because it's too late to prepare. Who wants to be a muscician, writer, actor, mathematician, designer, artist, politician. And then there is Rowen. The person I wish you all saw. The beautiful, the thoughtful, playful, cofident one, who knows how to get what she wants and succeeds in most every endeavor. The one with Big Plans, that have hopes of actually coming true, with unconditional help, love and encouragement. How do I decide for myself which I want my readers to know? It's difficult because I want them to know everything I know. Do I want them to know the watcher or the writer?

I need to decide.

Do I want you to see me as the girl you've known?

yes.

Do I want you to see me as someone different?

yes.

I'm Lindsey.

But I'm Rowen.

[*tyedyefroggy*]

One word: continue.

You must continue your writing, its awesome. Thoughts from your head, to your heart, to your fingertips, to the pen, and then the pen to the paper. Keep it up!

[KissMe2408]

I have no words. That story truly touched me. Everything from you wrestling with your story at first, to what name you should write. What truly touched me and almost made me damn near cry was when you talked about Lindsey and Rowen...and how you want to be so many things but it seems too late to start...and just what you wrote was amazing. Please keep writing. You are very talented! The emotion between the words is amazing. That story really touched and inspired me, and not much does these days. Great job

[RiddleMeWonders]

Thanks...
That really made me happy.....

[*stephinika*]

i loved it. very emotional and full of feeling.

[sheepy]

wow i loovee your style. continue with the great work :]