The Little Mermaid, short story Options

[audory]

It's still a bit rough draft-y. Comments on improvement?

She was a swimmer. Her flaming red hair had blonde streaks from those endless hours spent in the pool. The water was her alternative world, where she could just concentrate on her arms hitting the water, entering the water, then soaring through the sky for a split second, before re-entering into her watery world.

One day, as the rain began to pour down, she peered out of her world. And that's when she saw him. His black outfit dazzled her, like jewels to a seastruck pirate. She hid behind the gutters of the pool...so afraid, so eager. He walked by, his hair, matted flat down from the rain. Her eyes slowly followed him, her Prince Charming. He sat on the bleachers; his distant eyes watching the rain hit upon the water...he was lost in his own world. Her heart went out to him, her soul understood all his pains and sorrows, and he didn't even know she existed.

What is this feeling that's trembling through me? she wondered. As he stood up, she shivered, yet remained quiet and watchful...ever so watchful. He left, and she began to swim once again. But with each stroke, her heart grew fonder. And with each stroke, she prayed to the Heavens "Let me see my Prince once more..."

The next day, he walked upon the pool deck again. And, as if by magic, the girl that was swimming, the one with the fire-colored hair, caught his eye. Their eyes locked as she shedded her world. Without a word, he walked up to her. Her heart beat in her throat. He invited her into his world, his palace. She climbed into his rusty blue carriage and he whisked her away, and shower her his world.

His world was full of songs, writing, and music. He introduced her to all. And she led him into the water, teaching him to move with the energy of the waves, and to appreciate the music of the water. Still in awe, the swimmer, his Ariel, never spoke a word. So he'd talk and she'd listen, ever so faithfully, hanging onto each and every word. Their silent love grew stronger with each swim they took, each song they wrote. He brought her to exotic concerts of all kinds. And she brought him picnicing beyond the waterfalls.

Day by day, as sure as the sunrise, their love bloomed, sang, and whisked through the waves. On their 47th day (she had been counting) the girl arrived at edge of her world, the gate to the bustling pool. No longer did the water cry her name. When she slipped on her suit, her breath didn't catch in excitement. She was, in a sense, becoming human...by the magic, the spell, of love.

That day, she spoke to her prince for the very first time. "I love you" and it was true she loved him. She loved him with so much intensity that she was willing to leave her world of water and waves behind. And he loved her back with every ounce, every fiver, and every dream of his soul. I'ts safe to say, that Ariel and her Prince, lived happily ever after.

[remini]

Good job. Love at first sight, right? (Find another word for world... you use it too much.)

[colorful_mist]

^^ nice

[KissMe2408]

I can see ur a diehard romantic With Audrey Hepburn in your aviator lol i'm like that too...nice job with the story! try to use better descriptive words

[audory]

I can see ur a diehard romantic   With Audrey Hepburn in your aviator   lol i'm like that too...nice job with the story! try to use better descriptive words

lol. wow, no one usually know who Audrey Hepburn is... :] thanks for the critisism y'all!