[Insert Title Here], I don't know... |
 Dec 18 2004, 11:33 PM
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#1
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 Canadian Boyfriend, I think it's time  Group: Member Posts: 450 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 40,705  |
Screaming in the hallways of my past
It's cadance beating like the sound of a drum Feelings I remorse over every waking moment Amazed by the love we once had Whipering in my ear are the words I once heard Fluttering is missing in my once whole heart Three words I once held so dearly Intrigued in the memories I had held so close... In the profound moments that we shared together I will never leave behind my intellections of us At one time when two hearts molded into one Beautifully transfixed into my own state of mind Still enveloped in a thing so intricate and fragile Pounding in it's cage but it just can't escape Retention lingers in my hollow and broken heart Insanely deep and dark;down I fall [If anyone could help me title this, it would be great] [[Oh yeah, please don't lie if you say it's good. I want to know what it's really like] |
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Dec 20 2004, 06:44 AM
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#2
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 High Voltage!∞ Group: Official Member Posts: 4,728 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 29,157 |
that's amazing, honestly, it's so beatiful
 ..hmm...maybe the title should be...No Escape..or Trapped....somewhere along those lines yehs..anyways..great job!!
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Dec 20 2004, 10:58 AM
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#3
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 This bitch better work! Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 13,681 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 28,095 |
very nice. i like the words in it. awesome!
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Dec 21 2004, 03:54 AM
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#4
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 Bardic Nation Group: Member Posts: 1,113 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 38,059 |
truthfully it left me wanting. It's a good beginning but it should be rewritten.
"Above the Others We Flew" from 1-10 i give it a 3 |
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Dec 22 2004, 11:54 PM
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#5
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 i'm susan Group: Official Member Posts: 13,875 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 5,029 |
i cant think of a title either but this will be a good lyric song hehe. it's good, nice job!
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Dec 24 2004, 02:48 AM
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#6
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Brie Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 10,172 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 20,548 |
Egh. I suck at titles..
Anyway, that's really good. :D It was a quick read. It kept me going, which is very good. :D Nice job! |
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Dec 25 2004, 12:13 AM
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#7
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 166 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 27,401 |
 some of the best poems don't have titles it's really great |
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Dec 25 2004, 04:00 PM
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#8
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 hopeless dreamer Group: Member Posts: 11 Joined: Dec 2004 Member No: 74,549 |
you're a strong writer, the phrases in the poem are powerful but as sikdragon said, maybe you should rearrange some words so that there is a more poetic flow to it.
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Dec 25 2004, 04:30 PM
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#9
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 define our lives for us. Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 11,656 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 43,293 |
You have a mind of writing.
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Jan 8 2005, 08:55 PM
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#10
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 LunchboxXx Group: Member Posts: 1,789 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 16,810 |
it's tooooo short. you can fit so much more with that, i think.
i like it. situation i know all too well
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Jan 9 2005, 12:59 PM
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#11
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Canadian Boyfriend, I think it's time Group: Member Posts: 450 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 40,705 |
Thanks everyone. ^^ I'll make it longer and rephrase and stuff. I appreciate your comments.
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Jan 14 2005, 12:50 AM
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#12
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 dripping destruction Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 7,282 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 21,929 |
yea, longer would be nice so there would be more room to detail the emotions and all.
your siggy poem is cool too. |
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Jan 14 2005, 09:53 PM
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#13
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 71 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 80,428 |
Nice... I think you could definately add to this, I'm left asking for more...
I think you should title it as: IN THIS PLACE |
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Jan 15 2005, 10:11 AM
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#14
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 yan lin♥ Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 14,129 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 13,627 |
i really like it. it moved me.
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