Drowning |
 Nov 1 2004, 10:09 PM
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#1
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 Senior Member  Group: Member Posts: 66 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 25,063  |
Drowning
Tear after tear Has surrounded me In an ocean of Salty regrets. Slowly the water Is building Higher and higher. The water is Starting to fill My lungs. I cough. I try to save What’s left of me, But I give up. I hate to admit it, But I think I’m drowning On purpose BECAUSE I’m without you. |
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Nov 2 2004, 11:54 PM
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#2
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 Will write poetry for sex! Group: Member Posts: 1,110 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 600 |
Hrm, the first stanza started off just fine, but your poem kinda went downhill from there for me.
You were a little too straight-forward, and I think it would've been better if you chose the path of masking the obvious with metaphors, deep connotation and the like. |
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