Do I owe him an apology? |
 Apr 14 2009, 04:07 PM
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#1
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 This bag is not a toy.  Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 3,090 Joined: Oct 2007 Member No: 583,108  |
First of all, hi Dustin, if for some reason you come across this.
 Second, I'm well aware that I'm asking for advice on the internet; however, I know CB people pretty well and am looking for the one or two positive and helpful responses I will hopefully get out of this. :)So I've been seeing this guy for about three months, and we're both really happy with how the relationship is going so far. We haven't really had any problems. I will admit that I have some jealous tendencies - I have been cheated on at one point in nearly every relationship I've been in, so it's not exactly easy for me to trust someone 100%. However, for first time in a relationship, I actually feel like I don't have to worry about that with him. I'm perfectly confident that he would never do anything to hurt me and that he's satisfied where he is. Still, the thought of him being with anyone else - past, present, or future - drives me insane. I know I'm already sounding pretty pathetic, but hear me out. I never post in this forum, so I think I get a freebie. :P The deal is, this morning I came out of my first class and I was looking for him. When I came downstairs, he was standing near the elevator and he and one of his (guy) friends had this girl sandwiched in a hug which lasted for an unusually long time. I looked at them for a minute, then turned around and walked off without saying anything. I think the reason I got so upset is because I've seen this girl come up to him a LOT and hug him. It's like every time she sees him she has to give him a huge hug that lasts for like 30 seconds. At first I didn't really get that upset about it, I mean it bothered me, but not enough to say anything. I guess when I saw it this morning it just finally broke me. >.< So later on he asked me what was wrong and I got pretty pissed at him because he couldn't think of a single reason that I'd be even just a little bit upset. I calmed down and explained myself, and we eventually came to sort of an understanding - he said he'd stop letting her hang on him like that, basically. My question is, did I overreact? I think I made him feel kind of bad, and I've been thinking a lot about it so I guess I'm kind of worried that I took it too far. |
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Apr 14 2009, 04:21 PM
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#2
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 Senior Member Group: Head Staff Posts: 18,173 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 108,478 |
It really depends. Does Dustin know about your relationship history, including the cheating parts? If he doesn't, he probably thought that you were okay with the girl hugging him that often and for that long. (Erm, but it wouldn't be okay for them to hug like that even if he didn't know. I'd feel bothered by that kind of hugging if I were you, too.) You can't expect him to be able to read your thoughts and sense why you're upset, so you have to talk to him about these things (which you did, so that's good).
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Apr 14 2009, 04:23 PM
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#3
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Senior Member Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 2,223 Joined: Dec 2006 Member No: 485,356 |
No, you didn't overreact. Good thing you actually spoke to him. And the fact that you got pissed shows that you care about him and that it hurts to see him get that close with someone who isn't you.
Personally, I wouldn't let ANY girl hug my boyfriend except for his best friends, who are girls, LOL. I hope this relationship works out for you Dani. |
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Apr 14 2009, 04:25 PM
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 DDR \\ I'm Dee :) Group: Mentor Posts: 8,662 Joined: Mar 2006 Member No: 384,020 |
You are soooo not the only one who gets that way, Dani, trust me. In my honest opinion, I don't really understand why she had to hug him every time she saw him, especially if she sees him almost on a daily basis.
To me it sounds like this issue has already been resolved. You told him how you felt about it (instead of making a huge fuss and waiting until it really got under your skin) and you both agreed what the best way to deal with it was. If you feel like you should apologize for reacting about it, don't. If you feel that you should apologize for the way you felt about, don't. If you feel that he's upset with you because how you feel... well, he should just be accepting that you care about him and trust him enough to go and talk to him about it. |
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Apr 14 2009, 04:25 PM
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 I'm Jc Group: Mentor Posts: 13,619 Joined: Jul 2006 Member No: 437,556 |
yeah, if it's all worked out then i wouldn't even bother really.
 QUOTE(libertie @ Apr 14 2009, 04:07 PM)  So later on he asked me what was wrong and I got pretty pissed at him because he couldn't think of a single reason that I'd be even just a little bit upset. honestly one of my biggest female pet peeves ever, if you appologize to him, apologize for making him play the guessing game. i can't stand playing that game where girls want you to read their mind and get pissed at you when you won't. sometimes i do something, and i know there was nothing to it, no feelings, and that i did nothing wrong. however, at the same time i also know in the back of my head that it's PROBABLY why my gf is pissed. the reason i won't answer though is becasue when i do offer it up as a possible reason, she automatically assumes that since i was able to single it out as the probable reason, then i'm admitting i was doing something wrong, which i'm not. know what i mean? i'm just rambling about my own annoyances now. as long as you got calm and explained what you were upset over you're probably good. |
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Apr 14 2009, 04:33 PM
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#6
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This bag is not a toy. Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 3,090 Joined: Oct 2007 Member No: 583,108 |
Yeah, I guess I see where you're coming from JC. I've done that a couple of times and I think the reason I get so upset about it is because I KNOW he has some idea, but he's telling me over and over that he has no idea why I'm upset. I should probably cut him some slack, especially if it's over something this stupid.
He does know about my past relationships and the issues I've had with them. He knows about my trust issues, but he also knows I do trust him. I guess I kinda feel like me getting upset over stuff like that is childish, so maybe that's why I feel guilty. Now that I've had time to cool down I really believe that he didn't mean anything by it at all. However, he did agree to stop letting her get so close, and that's really all I wanted. The way she was acting made me uncomfortable. |
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Apr 14 2009, 07:12 PM
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#7
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rawr? Group: Official Member Posts: 2,705 Joined: Nov 2005 Member No: 285,858 |
I think you did really well, talking to him about it, makes it a lot easier. He did say he'll stop, so your good (:! I don't think apologizing is going to do anything though. Your fine!
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Apr 14 2009, 07:18 PM
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 Has a PhD in horribleness Group: Member Posts: 866 Joined: Sep 2008 Member No: 686,301 |
QUOTE(paozuu @ Apr 14 2009, 08:12 PM) I think you did really well, talking to him about it, makes it a lot easier. He did say he'll stop, so your good (:! I don't think apologizing is going to do anything though. Your fine! 2nd maybe you overreacted a tad but, but it sounds like he understood. |
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Apr 14 2009, 10:00 PM
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#9
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 Senior Member Group: Official Member Posts: 6,349 Joined: Aug 2006 Member No: 455,274 |
All you had to do is ask him if she's his friend. And if so.. maybe you should ask him for you and him and his other friends to hang out. It's always a good thing to be 100% positive about a person than to assume something grimy is going on.
 I'll be honest, if a guy that is NOT my friend hung all over my girl... I'd have to question their relationship and bring it to his attention that the girl he's hanging all over is my lady and he needs to have some respect. |
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Apr 15 2009, 09:24 AM
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 Ummm... I can't think of anything creative to put here Group: Human Posts: 410 Joined: Mar 2005 Member No: 118,965 |
^ I know what you mean, ill.
You didn't overreact, but you could have handled it better. You gotta get a feel on their relationship. Could be someone he knew for years. But you'd never know if you just make an assumption and run in asking all sorts of ridiculous questions like a bad lawyer. In the end, you'll just embarass yourself and make him think you dont trust him. But he said he wouldn't get all huggy-huggy with her, so I guess all is well that ends well. |
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Apr 15 2009, 10:40 AM
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#11
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 48 Joined: Jan 2009 Member No: 709,081 |
No you didn't overreact.
And besides a lot of girls get jealous so its a normal thing I guess. You don't owe him a apology anyways. |
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Apr 15 2009, 10:49 AM
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#12
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This bag is not a toy. Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 3,090 Joined: Oct 2007 Member No: 583,108 |
Okay, just to clarify, I do know this girl. She's in the music department, so are we, and everyone knows everyone in the music department. So I am aware of their relationship - it's only a casual friendship at best, and they only see each other at school. They only have a couple of classes together (or maybe it's just one class), so they really only see each other in the halls for the most part.
If I knew they were close friends, I'd be much less wary of the situation. So yeah, I didn't make any unfair assumptions. I don't think some girl who barely knows him should be coming up and hanging on him like that. But yeah, we talked about it calmly (before I made this topic) and I didn't just start accusing him or anything. I just basically told him that seeing stuff like that is really hard for me to deal with, I know it's not his fault because he's not the one initiating, but I wish he'd do something to keep her from getting so close. He said he understood where I was coming from even though it didn't mean anything to him and he didn't even know he'd done anything wrong. I did apologize to him (after the topic) for expecting him to know why I'd gotten upset, I just thought he'd make the connection with what was happening at the time I saw him and walked away without saying anything. He'd said he didn't even think of that because it was so insignificant to him. When I told him I was sorry for being unfair and turning the discussion into an argument over something else entirely, he seemed really relieved and that was that. |
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Apr 15 2009, 11:27 AM
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 ^_^ Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 8,141 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 91,466 |
All the women think that Dani didn't overreact.
All the men think that Dani did overreact. You can find clarity in this situation without assuming the worst. Has it all been worked out? |
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Apr 15 2009, 11:33 AM
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 Tick tock, Bill Group: Administrator Posts: 8,764 Joined: Dec 2005 Member No: 333,948 |
I'm glad things (at this time) seem more calm and I'm also glad that you apologized.
What I have learned from past disastrous relationships is that you have to nip these things in the bud as soon as possible. Fact is, people see things differently because of subjective perceptions and something that may not even reach the brain on some, may absolutely devastate another. Communicate anything you feel, when you feel it because fostering negative emotion isn't healthy for anyone. |
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Apr 15 2009, 01:41 PM
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#15
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^_^ Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 8,141 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 91,466 |
QUOTE(divergent @ Apr 15 2009, 02:40 PM) What? No offense, but since I turned avatars and signatures off, I always forget that you're Thomas and not a longtime female member who has changed her username multiple times. My bad. 
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Apr 15 2009, 01:54 PM
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 ◕ ◡ ◕ Group: Official Member Posts: 4,779 Joined: Jun 2006 Member No: 416,697 |
LOL
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Apr 15 2009, 03:35 PM
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#17
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 Senior Member Group: Official Member Posts: 5,166 Joined: Oct 2007 Member No: 585,858 |
H3LL YE beech..
 bettaa saii u surrii 2 da prince shiett... 
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Apr 16 2009, 01:43 PM
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 And in that moment...I swear we were infinite Group: Member Posts: 27 Joined: May 2006 Member No: 407,922 |
Am I the only female that thinks that was a bit of an overreaction?
Maybe it's because I've been in a situation like this, except I was the girl hugging the boyfriend. I saw this guy every day at school, and his girlfriend saw me hugging him and she threatened to beat me up and yada yada yada. She still hates me. Meh. Hugs are hugs. |
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| *BOSS* |
Apr 17 2009, 05:00 AM
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Guest |
QUOTE(gojira @ Apr 15 2009, 11:54 AM) LOL QUOTE(WarMachine @ Apr 15 2009, 09:27 AM) All the women think that Dani didn't overreact. All the men think that Dani did overreact. QUOTE(gojira @ Apr 15 2009, 11:54 AM) LOL
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| *BOSS* |
Apr 17 2009, 05:16 AM
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Guest |
QUOTE(BOSS @ Apr 32 2009, 00:00 ZM) I will say this, no line has been crossed. |
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Apr 29 2009, 02:17 AM
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#21
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 550 Joined: Mar 2007 Member No: 509,557 |
No I think you did not overreact . With my ex, his friend who was girl would just always be holding him or hugging him or play fighting with him or holding his hand or squeezing his butt. And i've been cheated on too so I get where you're coming from.
The only thing is, instead of getting upset and walking away without saying anything. Just pull him to the side and address the issue. It's probably just me but my ex hated when I didn't tell him what was wrong right away and that just made us fight more. but yeah, I do not think you owe him an apology if some chick is always hugging him like that. |
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Apr 29 2009, 06:31 AM
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#22
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^_^ Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 8,141 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 91,466 |
QUOTE(iGio @ Apr 29 2009, 03:17 AM) No I think you did not overreact . With my ex, his friend who was girl would just always be holding him or hugging him or play fighting with him or holding his hand or squeezing his butt. And i've been cheated on too so I get where you're coming from. The only thing is, instead of getting upset and walking away without saying anything. Just pull him to the side and address the issue. It's probably just me but my ex hated when I didn't tell him what was wrong right away and that just made us fight more. but yeah, I do not think you owe him an apology if some chick is always hugging him like that. Fail for bumping. |
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Apr 29 2009, 08:33 AM
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 Sarcastic Mr. Know-It-All Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 2,089 Joined: Dec 2003 Member No: 29 |
Say sorry and then ask them for a threesome.
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Apr 29 2009, 08:34 AM
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#24
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^_^ Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 8,141 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 91,466 |
QUOTE(kryogenjx @ Apr 29 2009, 09:33 AM) Say sorry and then ask them for a threesome. /thread |
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Apr 29 2009, 09:54 AM
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 The Resident Drunk Group: Head Staff Posts: 8,623 Joined: Nov 2007 Member No: 593,266 |
I think you did overreact. Like someone mentioned earlier, she could just be one of his close friends. I know that I hug my friends girlfriends for a long time, and they don't get upset. I understand you're jealous instinct, but eventually you will have to come to the realization, that every man is not like that.
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Apr 29 2009, 10:12 AM
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 Ley <3 Group: Member Posts: 579 Joined: Jul 2008 Member No: 664,894 |
QUOTE(brooklyneast05 @ Apr 14 2009, 04:25 PM) yeah, if it's all worked out then i wouldn't even bother really. honestly one of my biggest female pet peeves ever, if you appologize to him, apologize for making him play the guessing game. i can't stand playing that game where girls want you to read their mind and get pissed at you when you won't. I agree if you were upset you should have said something..theres really no point in just making him guess why it is your mad... personally, i think you did over react i have tons of guy friends and theres nothing i hate more than when my bf tripps out on them just saying hi, some people hug to say hi its not a big deal. |
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