Essay On War, An Excerpt |
Essay On War, An Excerpt |
Feb 17 2009, 03:36 PM
Post
#1
|
|
Farewell, Hello. I'm Colleen. Group: Official Designer Posts: 222 Joined: Jun 2007 Member No: 539,346 |
Lately I've really been trying to better my writing. Thought I'd share. It's not my best, at all, therefore, I'd love to hear your input. Below are a few excerpts from an essay I wrote last night at three A.M. for my English class... The topic is war (we had studied the lyrics to Metallica "One" and Hemingway's A Farewell To Arms in class).
War is the bear trap on humanity’s weak ankles. Leaving nothing but broken brambles in its bloody wake, mankind trudges through the forest of time, despite the burden clinging to its weary feet. For too long has life on earth been plagued with the parasite of human warfare… And for too long has humanity, likewise, fought to pry the parasite’s greedy lips from its flanks. War is fueled by man’s inability to recognize the multitude of traits he shares with his fellow man – he then, instead, hones in on petty differences, focusing his hatred on those who shed the same blood as he. War is often “justified” by those who seek to mould the minds of the masses in order to fight for a cause, or by those who are simply hell-bent on vengeance. Yet, there are those who desperately seek justification in order to procure a shred of meaning, even in the midst of the destruction that encompasses them. The struggle for peace has embodied itself in many ways throughout the ages, sometimes, ironically, only resulting in a spike in violent affairs. It is through artistic mediums such as music and writing that the fight for peace most often takes a noteworthy stand. Such writers such as Earnest Hemmingway, and even musicians such as Metallica, clearly advocate a pacifist paradigm, suggesting that the weapons of war can “take the soul” just as easily as they can take a limb; for, what war takes from a man physically is only a fraction of the vast collection of human components that such an endless strife steals. So, yeah, that's it. Again... Not my best... But, who cares! Tell me what you think! Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. |
|
|
Feb 21 2009, 02:39 PM
Post
#2
|
|
DDR \\ I'm Dee :) Group: Mentor Posts: 8,662 Joined: Mar 2006 Member No: 384,020 |
I like your writing :)
|
|
|
Feb 22 2009, 12:48 AM
Post
#3
|
|
Farewell, Hello. I'm Colleen. Group: Official Designer Posts: 222 Joined: Jun 2007 Member No: 539,346 |
Thanks
|
|
|
Feb 26 2009, 05:03 PM
Post
#4
|
|
Eternal Syn Group: Member Posts: 398 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 24,000 |
it's really good but i noticed that you use "for" a lot as a transitional verb. otherwise it's really good to read
|
|
|
Feb 26 2009, 06:36 PM
Post
#5
|
|
Farewell, Hello. I'm Colleen. Group: Official Designer Posts: 222 Joined: Jun 2007 Member No: 539,346 |
Hmmm yeah you're right, I do use "for" too much. I never noticed that; I should work on that. That was helpful, thank you.
|
|
|
Feb 26 2009, 08:19 PM
Post
#6
|
|
durian Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 13,124 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,860 |
Ah, I like your style of writing :] However I noticed that in the third paragraph you said "Hemingway seems to be suggesting that the war’s true and only hero is the man who resists war, who recognizes its uselessness, and understands its horrors." I totally understand that this is an opinion-type piece, but that line makes your understanding of the presented argument weak. You've used "suggested" or "suggesting" more than twice in that short paragraph, so it would be nice to use a different piece.
Overall, a nice read. lol a lot of "flowering" in terms of language, which isn't a bad thing. |
|
|
Feb 26 2009, 10:05 PM
Post
#7
|
|
Farewell, Hello. I'm Colleen. Group: Official Designer Posts: 222 Joined: Jun 2007 Member No: 539,346 |
Yeahh, I always get nervous when I'm saying what I think the author was trying to do - I cop out and say things like "seems" and "might be," which I probably shouldn't do. I'll remember not to do that anymore, haha.
What do you mean by "flowering"? I've never heard the term... |
|
|
Feb 27 2009, 06:20 AM
Post
#8
|
|
durian Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 13,124 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,860 |
Flowering is basically using fancy language, even if you usually write like that. I flower up my essays as well. Haha it's exactly what you might think it is. :P
|
|
|
Feb 27 2009, 11:18 AM
Post
#9
|
|
monster hunter Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 1,203 Joined: May 2004 Member No: 18,188 |
make dat shit pretty n shyt
|
|
|
Feb 27 2009, 03:19 PM
Post
#10
|
|
Farewell, Hello. I'm Colleen. Group: Official Designer Posts: 222 Joined: Jun 2007 Member No: 539,346 |
Hehe, oh, that's what I thought you meant.
Yeah I tend to be really "wordy" when I write... I try not to be TOO wordy, though, haha. |
|
|
Feb 27 2009, 04:38 PM
Post
#11
|
|
Senior Member Group: Administrator Posts: 2,648 Joined: Apr 2008 Member No: 639,265 |
It is through artistic mediums such as music and writing that the fight for peace most often takes a noteworthy stand. Media. The plural of "medium" is "media". I know that's the least helpful feedback you've gotten, and I plan to write a longer critique, but that stood out to me initially. |
|
|
Mar 1 2009, 07:26 PM
Post
#12
|
|
Farewell, Hello. I'm Colleen. Group: Official Designer Posts: 222 Joined: Jun 2007 Member No: 539,346 |
Hehe thanks. I never knew that. I knew something about it sounded funny to me but I didn't quite know what. Thank you.
|
|
|