Really Bad Situation, that includes me, my ex, and my current Options

[mushiebeans]

Well, actually, my "ex" isnt really an ex but someone that I had a thing going on with before I met my current bf.

So this past year, I met S, a great friend, good listener, nice Christian, pretty naive... a year younger.
Well things progressed to where we would "cheek kiss" (because he strongly believes in saving his firs kiss for his marriage day) and disappointingly, things progressed to where we did everything other than kiss (on lips) and any kind of sex.
Then I met J, my current. He's really sweet, and I really DO like him. I won't say I love him because I still don't know where this will lead; and I'm not going to say we WILL get married. As time goes by we might change we might not, we might marry, we probably won't.
ANYWAY, so I got with J. Right? This "literally" broke S's heart because he felt that I was his. But my feeling is that he waited a bit too long for me, to make a move, and I got tired of him...
I still love him. But now I only love him as a friend. But sadly... we still kept doing what we were... which makes me a s*** and a cheater.
Worse, J also started doing stuff to me (I have kissed this guy on the lips :P), too, and things became more complicated.
Every time I think about what I've done with either, it makes me want to throw up because, frankly, I think stuff like that is sick. But I don't know how to say no... and either one gets sad when I try to stop them....
Me and S already made a pact of silence and agreement to never do stuff like that again. Ever.
But with J, I don't want to break up with him at all. I'm not quite ready to say good bye to him. However a heavy heart burdened with guilt and the fact that we've done stuff really makes me sick.
I mean. I don't want to tell him. That's not an option. No way, no how. Because it won't bring any good at all. The main problem with him right now, is that I want to go back to being more pure. I don't even like kissing with tongue. Even that grosses me out. So, do you think it's possible for me to go back to purity?
And one more... Is there anyone out there that won't say I'm a two timing sl** and I don't deserve to have the bliss that my boyfriend gives me?

I can't talk to this to any of my friends. I don't have a best friend (my "best friend" is S). And I'm too embarrassed to come clean with anyone other than people I don't know and don't know me (such as you guys). If you guys reply to this it will really help me... Please do...

[nikx618]

wow, i really think you shouldnt do that.
&you say you feel sick? so stop it. and
you feel guilty? so come clean, it will
feel waay better. choose the one you really
want to be with, &at least try to be friends
with the other one, [i kinda dont think they
would want to be your friend after that, but,
yeah] well, you have to stop either way you go.
&telling them would really make you feel pure.
thats like the first step to being pure, cause
if you dont tell anyone its going to be hidden,
and at some time, will come out. like if you guys
get married, and at some point s comes and like
reveals that you guys were like doing stuff while
you with J then, that would suck, and might possibly
ruin your marriage, [if you guys even get married] just
a possibility. but im just saying, that its better
to come clean. and change. the past is the past,
so fix it.

[anoniez]

I agree with you, telling J really won't bring any good. It'll either break you guys up, or he won't ever trust you again in the relationship. I think you should either try to get over it, or break up with J.

This situation is bringing you a lot of unhappiness. I really think you should let out what you did and tell SOMEONE, not necessarily S or J, but just talking over it to someone should make you feel a lot better. Try a friend you trust, a family member, or even a helpline or something.
Try to stop judging and guilting yourself. Yes you did it, and yes it was wrong, but you made the right decision to stop. All you can do is rebuild from the present, you can't change the past. You decide what kind of person you're going to be from now on, and stick with it. Judge yourself from who you are now, not what you did then.
Honestly.. I don't think you're a bad person or anything. I just think you give in too easily, you like people too easily, and whenever one of them wanted you to do something you gave them what they wanted (because you wanted it too). You just need to realize the problem and not let it happen again; don't let people walk over you, you have to be more decisive.

I'd venture to say you don't like kissing with tongue and such now because it reminds you of your guilt. Kissing really is a beautiful thing on a clear conscience, but probably every time you do something physical with J now you'll feel guilty. You need to give yourself time to get over it and forgive yourself, and don't do anything physical in the mean time if you can help it.

You also need to decide whether or not J is helping your life right now. If you feel so guilty every time you see him or S, they may just be making your life miserable. I would suggest taking a break or to stop seeing him for awhile if seeing him makes you feel worse rather than better.

Good luck!

[mushiebeans]

J is actually helping me out. Well... because things in my life are really stressful right now.. S is being really cooperative about it too. Well. I don't know. I'm just trying to move on right now. I think J being in my life is really good right now, I never really had someone I could trust :X