She's confusing me... Options

[dpl313]

*long read ahead*

Before you read I'm not a home wrecker.. I don't need to be bashed.

So it all started in September of this year. I have 2 former co-workers. Let's call them Kate and Dan. So I used to talk to most of my co-workers, but I never said much to her. We had a few conversations about college, etc. Then one day when I got off of work. Dan and I had a 2hr conversation about our experiences with dating. Then Dan was bragging about how he got Kate's number, and how he was going to "hit it and quit it." When he said that I flipped out on him, because I didn't want to see her get hurt! Normally if guys were to say something like that around me? I wouldn't care, but I didn't realize I have feeling for Kate.

So my friends and I went out to Chili's on a Friday night. We got off of the bus, and I saw Dan with this girl who turned out to be Kate. I noticed they were sitting on a curb pretty far from each other, and Kate looked seriously bored. But I was trying to be supportive and I said it's so cute that you guys are on a date. Then Kate said out loud this is not a date. She sounded all angry when she said it.

Kate kept giving me this look like I was supposed to ask her to come hang out with me. But I didn't want to interrupt their outing. Plus I was scared, because I didn't want to show interest in her, and have her reject me. I always get rejected when I show interest in someone. So the next day at work Kate told me she wanted to hangout with me and my friends.

I asked her if she wanted to hangout before I left. Because I took a job in another state, and I was leaving soon. She gave me her home phone number, and she said don't lose it. She was smiling at me too when she said it. I didn't know what to make of it? I didn't get to hangout with her, because I had to leave for the job way sooner that I expected to. So I called her one night after I was working my new job.

She asked me when was I coming back to visit? She said she missed hearing my voice. Then she said Dan didn't know me for long, but he was sad to see me go. Which I thought was random. When she told me she missed hearing my voice I was scared again. I was speechless too. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell her how I feel about her, but I didn't.

At this point I kept thinking to myself maybe I have a chance with her. So a few days before xmas Dan calls me and the first words that come out of his mouth are that him and Kate are a couple. I could barely get any words out of my mouth. I was just stunned, but luckily he had to get off the phone. I ended up emailing Kate and Dan. Basically telling Dan don't hurt the girl, I'm happy for you, treat her right, etc. With Kate I told her how I feel about her, and that coming back to see her was a bad idea. She pulled the let's be friends line on me, but I was ok with it.

A few days after New Year's Kate and I were talking on aim, and 2 things happened that surprised me. She started telling me how Dan wasn't treating her right. Then she explained a scenario to me, and she asked me for my opinion. I wasn't trying to be too truthful in my opinion, because I wanted to stay out of it. But that's not what happened. I ended up telling her about the convo Dan and I had months back, and his plans for her. Immediately after I told her that she asked if I was coming back to visit? She asked me that 5 times. I told her I felt awkward about coming there, because of her relationship. Then she said she had no problems making it just the 2 of us.

Later that night Kate and I talked again. We ended up talking about the stuff I told her about her bf eariler, and she was sitting up defending him. She did everything but call me a liar. Out of frustration I told her some more stuff I know about her bf. The type of stuff to where it's irrefutable, and she had no choice but to believe me. Then that night she kept flip flopping about her wanting the 2 of us hanging out to her wanting to hangout with my friends.

She told me to call her, but lately I've just had bad timing with calling her. I talked to her the other night, and we talked about her bf. What I found confusing was that.. she never referred to him as her bf. She kept referring to him as "you know who." Then she was telling me how she wants to breakup with him, but she can't. Then I ended up just joking with her to take her mind off of it. Sure enough.. again she asked me "you're still coming back to visit.. right?"

I said yes, but after that phone call I couldn't concentrate on anythingelse. All I could do was think about her.... So... I emailed her that night. I asked her instead of me coming to see her. She could come see me, and I would pay for most of the trip expenses, etc. But my hopes of her coming aren't to spark a relationship. More interested in working on our friendship. I'm just confused though, because even though she's with Dan somewhat... what does she want from me?

[MissHygienic]

No need to worry, this is the typical masculine reaction to a female's mind games. Do you seriously not see what she wants, here? I think you need to listen to her more carefully, buddy.

She's obviously using "Dan" to make you jealous that she's well off without your company. Her reluctance to refer to "Dan" as her boyfriend while maintaining such a friendly base ground with you, and whatnot, is the sign that she wants you to say something to her about your feelings. That is, if you feel anything for her at all. Women don't want to throw themselves at men.

If I were you, the fact that she has to go so far as to play these stupid mind games/being confusing makes her not worthwhile in my mind. But, if you actually like her more than just a friend (but your story said nothing of the sort) then do something about it. Either that, or tell her straightforward that a relationship is not possible between you two, so she can shut up and get her act together.

[dpl313]

MissHygienic: I seriously don't see what she wants. She doesn't seem well off with Dan's company to me. But I'm not doubting what you're saying. Why don't you think she's worhtwhile? Also, I do have feelings for her somewhat.

The next time I talk to her I'm going to be more open about how I feel about her.

[JCLore]

i personally think she wants you over dan...shes just using dan to get to you.
If you like her...you should tell her
but what ever you do...make sure you tell Dan and not keep it a secret

[JokeInsideJoke]

i personally think she wants you over dan...shes just using dan to get to you.
If you like her...you should tell her
but what ever you do...make sure you tell Dan and not keep it a secret

i couldnt have said it better myself!

[JCLore]

i couldnt have said it better myself!

thank you

[dpl313]

JCLore and ProudLeechLove: Why would she use Dan to get to me?

[JCLore]

JCLore and ProudLeechLove: Why would she use Dan to get to me?

Maybe she thought you and Dan were close friends (Are You??), and that because Dan showed an interest in her upfront, she thought she might rub off on you at the same time.

[dpl313]

Maybe she thought you and Dan were close friends (Are You??), and that because Dan showed an interest in her upfront, she thought she might rub off on you at the same time.

Dan and I have mutual friends. We're not close friends, but we're ok. I talked to her on the phone tonight. I'm mad at myself. I wanted to tell her how I feel, but I couldn't get the words out. I was seriously scared. I could barely ask her about the idea of her coming to visit me.

The first thing she said was that's crazy. I told her it was logical. Then she paused. Then she said what would Dan think if I did that. I don't think Dan is going to like that. She sounded sort of scared when she said that. Then she said I dunno. Then we just talked about other stuff for 20-30mins. She said she's gonna call me back sooner or later, but I doubt that she does.

After reading that do you still think she's trying to make me jealous?

[JCLore]

after that im even more confused than to begin with...
i think maybe she doesn't know what she wants...she wants to call you back which means she likes you. but you'd think she'd break it off with Dan, if she did.

Maybe you should ask her whats really going on with her and Dan?
and maybe even if you asked Dan where their "supposed" relationship is going?
Basically, you need to talk her and ask her whats going on in her head??

Just do it...you only make one or two risks in a lifetime, then you'll spend the rest of eternity wishing you'd made those risks you let go.
Its like what you feel before you go Bunji Jumping (I'd know), you stand on that ledge almost scared to death....the only way your gonna do it is if someone pushes you, or you let go of everything and chance it. Now if i were you i'd take the second option, i tried the first and it didnt end exactly the way i'd wished. Its hard, of coarse, but you'll regret it more if you dont do it.

Good Luck!!

[S-Majere]

You can either continue this ridiculous charade of tip-toing around the real issue - and Dan; or you can take a deep breath and take the initiative. As her out on a date. Say you're coming over to visit and ask if she would like to have dinner with you.

Things are so much more easier to talk about face to face - all this talk of phonecalls and AIM, it's confusing!

As for Dan, he's obviously not her boyfriend is she spends all this time talking to you and insinuating she's going to break up with him! She wants you.