thesis help., i need help with a US history thesis for a DBQ Options

[smashedcodes]

I have to do a DBQ (document based Question)

and I always have trouble with coming up with a thesis.
either I have no thesis or it isn't stated right.

I just wanted some input to see if I have a proper thesis and if not
some suggestions on how i can improve it.

The question is...

It was the strength of the opposition forces, both liberal and conservative, rather than the ineptitude and stubbornness of President Wilson that led to the Senate defeat of the Treaty of Versailles.

Using the documents and your knowledge of the period 1917-1921, assess the vailidity of this statement.

Ok and my thesis (or attempt at thesis) is..

Wilson's own stubborness and ineptitude led to the senate defeat of the Treaty of Versailles. Most of the senate just wanted to make some revisions to the treaty. Wilson's stubborness didn't allow the revisions to be made and the treaty went unsigned.

[MissHygienic]

Wilson's own stubborness and ineptitude led to the senate defeat of the Treaty of Versailles. Most of the senate just wanted to make some revisions to the treaty. Wilson's stubborness didn't allow the revisions to be made and the treaty went unsigned.

Eh, I don't know what grade you're in, but simple, short sentences piss me off because it sounds fifth grade-esque. Use some compound sentences, and try not to use, "Wilson" all of the time. This is an extremely poor thesis for such a topic.

Why do I care about the other senates? It doesn't flow with your sentence. His stubborness led to the defeat of Treaty of Versailles and didn't allow the revisions to be made to it. Why are you separating them into two sentences?

Also, theses aren't rephrasing the question. That would be a topic sentence.

[smashedcodes]

like i said. i'm terrible at writing a thesis.

and I can't seem to get any better.

mkay.. here's how I rewrote it.

Wilson's own stubbornness and ineptitude led to the senate defeat of the Treaty of Versailles and the it ended up going unsigned. The opposing forces wanted a revision of the treaty, but Wilson refused to have any of Lodge’s revisions put in the treaty.

[Comptine]

The Treaty of Versailles is bullshit anyway. It had a major influence towards WWII. Wilson's original design for the treaty was to include an international union to prevent further global scale war. The rest of America didn't want to get involved with other countries anymore so they vetoed it. If the Senate followed Wilson's design, the League of Nations would've been much stronger and more secure.

By refusing to include Lodge's revisions to the Treaty of Versailles, Wilson's own stubbornness and ineptitude caused the Senate to defeat it.

That sentence is simple of enough. 'Ended up' is very conversational. Obviously, if the treaty was defeated, it wouldn't be signed. It's extraneous to include "and it ended up going unsigned". Iunno. That was the best I can revise it.

[jaeman]

I was about to say, if this is from an AP or Collegeboard exam, you would have totally violated the anti-cheating policy.

[HakunaMatata]

DBQ's = Instant BS. You don't even need that much prior knowledge, just look at the documents. Anyway, resplendence's thesis:

By refusing to include Lodge's revisions to the Treaty of Versailles, Wilson's own stubbornness and ineptitude caused the Senate to defeat it.

is really good, so I'd go with something like that. A thesis statement should be one sentence, so your three sentences from the first post just wouldn't fit. You can also try:

It was Wilson's own stubbornness, not the Senate's, that led to the defeat of the Treaty of Versailles.