Relationships and the Military, Stationed Overseas Options

[fameONE]

I'm not the type to put my personal business out there too much. Granted, I am open about topics many of my peers shy away from, I keep what's going on in my personal life to myself. Lately, I've put my relationship into perspective. I can count the members of CB who know about my relationship, and its ups and downs, on one hand. For once, I'm going to actually open up.

I strongly do believe marriage can be successful while being in the military. Despite the often questionably pay, service members are compensated for the cost of living and dependents. With an added income from a spouse, a family can live comfortably in today's military. On the other hand, being somewhat traditional in many ways, a relationship spawned out of nowhere, between a service member at a temporary duty station, and a local, seems doomed for failure from the get go.

Living a lifestyle where I have to take on responsibilities that I wouldn't have even dreamed of 2 years ago, I feel as though my current profession is aging me. I'm to the point where I feel as though a relationship is absolutely pointless unless it shows the potential of marriage. And with that, I'm also not a big supporter of divorce. The drawback of this lifestyle is that its a lonely one. The constant deployments to third world countries, meeting new people on a weekly basis, not really being able to trust anyone on a personal level, and the separation from all that you know can weigh heavy on anyone's shoulders.

Its almost like I've "settled" for a relationship because of physical attraction emotional support. This isn't the first time it has happened. Which is leading me to believe that until I find "the one," if "the one," actually exists, I will constantly go in circles and trap myself in dead end relationships with women that don't live up to the character or integrity I'd expect out of a friend, let alone a wife. Is this a sacrifice I'm required to make as long as I wear this uniform?

[DoubleJ]

I'm not the type to put my personal business out there too much. Granted, I am open about topics many of my peers shy away from, I keep what's going on in my personal life to myself. Lately, I've put my relationship into perspective. I can count the members of CB who know about my relationship, and its ups and downs, on one hand. For once, I'm going to actually open up.

I strongly do believe marriage can be successful while being in the military. Despite the often questionably pay, service members are compensated for the cost of living and dependents. With an added income from a spouse, a family can live comfortably in today's military. On the other hand, being somewhat traditional in many ways, a relationship spawned out of nowhere, between a service member at a temporary duty station, and a local, seems doomed for failure from the get go.

Living a lifestyle where I have to take on responsibilities that I wouldn't have even dreamed of 2 years ago, I feel as though my current profession is aging me. I'm to the point where I feel as though a relationship is absolutely pointless unless it shows the potential of marriage. And with that, I'm also not a big supporter of divorce. The drawback of this lifestyle is that its a lonely one. The constant deployments to third world countries, meeting new people on a weekly basis, not really being able to trust anyone on a personal level, and the separation from all that you know can weigh heavy on anyone's shoulders.

Its almost like I've "settled" for a relationship because of physical attraction emotional support. This isn't the first time it has happened. Which is leading me to believe that until I find "the one," if "the one," actually exists, I will constantly go in circles and trap myself in dead end relationships with women that don't live up to the character or integrity I'd expect out of a friend, let alone a wife. Is this a sacrifice I'm required to make as long as I wear this uniform?

First let me start off by saying, Black people are cool lol. Secondly, I think that it applies also to the fire department as well. With that being said, I don't think that you are "required" to do anything other than live your life for you. I realize that the military can age you, as my experiences with my process is aging me. It is very rare that you will be able to find somebody who can understand the sacrifices and the dedication that it takes to do what you do. Being at such a young age, I know how lonely it can get, and you want to have someone there with you every step of the way. My advice to you, if it makes any sense, is to just go with somebody who understands exactly what your life entails. Civilians may think that they understand what you have to do, but in reality, 90 percent of them have the slightest idea of what it is all about. They don't know about how you have to wake up at 5 in the morning to do pt and make sure your quarters are in tip top shape for inspection. They don't understand how if you f**k up at the chow hall, you lose your meal for the day. Being with somebody who understands you, is more important than anything, because they can relate, and you will have somebody to lean on during your times of stress and disarray. I don't really know if I am answering it the right way for you, but that is what I could give you for right now. Hopefully it helps.

[superstitious]

Obviously I can't completely relate, since I'm not in the military but I can understand the conflict between set responsibilities and potential long-term relationships.

I am the opposite of you, however. Marriage means nothing to me, having seen my mom married and divorced several times. Besides that though, sometimes it seems like it's best just to avoid any type of relationship because it's just not worth the effort. Men are bound to disappointment me because I can't see any of them hanging out with my kid and I am very particular about who gets to hang out with him. We live in a strange society (it seems sometimes). There is a tremendous amount of social pressure for someone like me, a single mom, to not wither away (whatever the hell that means)and just accept the best thing that could happen to you. Well screw that. I'm in no rush, regardless of my age and if some miraculous thing happens and Mr. comic book loving online game playing glasses wearing sci fi watching plays games and has food fights with my kids kisses well and loves marathon sex Man comes along, then it'll be an interesting day indeed.

Point is, DON'T make that sacrifice. Don't settle. It's not worth it. You'll only make yourself (and probably another individual) miserable in the end. Right now the world is yours for the taking. The other stuff can happen later.

[fameONE]

First let me start off by saying, Black people are cool lol. Secondly, I think that it applies also to the fire department as well. With that being said, I don't think that you are "required" to do anything other than live your life for you. I realize that the military can age you, as my experiences with my process is aging me. It is very rare that you will be able to find somebody who can understand the sacrifices and the dedication that it takes to do what you do. Being at such a young age, I know how lonely it can get, and you want to have someone there with you every step of the way. My advice to you, if it makes any sense, is to just go with somebody who understands exactly what your life entails. Civilians may think that they understand what you have to do, but in reality, 90 percent of them have the slightest idea of what it is all about. They don't know about how you have to wake up at 5 in the morning to do pt and make sure your quarters are in tip top shape for inspection. They don't understand how if you f**k up at the chow hall, you lose your meal for the day. Being with somebody who understands you, is more important than anything, because they can relate, and you will have somebody to lean on during your times of stress and disarray. I don't really know if I am answering it the right way for you, but that is what I could give you for right now. Hopefully it helps.

It did help. As this relationship comes to an end, I'll wait to get involved in another one until I've adjusted after my return from Iraq. Its going to take some serious time for me to get this part of my life in order. Its easy for me to set goals and handle nearly everything in my life systematically, but this shit is really f**king me up, but that goes without saying.

Thanks for the support, fam.

[DoubleJ]

No doubt man. I have an ex-friend who is a seal, and he said it is horrible over there. I would listen to the stories, and just be in amazement. I definitely commend you on what you're doing bro, it takes a lot of balls to do that. Hopefully I'll be a ff by the time you come back.

[MissHygienic]

I'm a little wary of marriages while being in the military, because I've heard many, many stories of both wives and husbands taking every chance to cheat on one another once the man is off in another country. You shouldn't settle for just any girl to whom you're physically attracted; however, even though your outlook on your future is a little dim.

My boyfriend's in the military, and you sound just like him when he used to talk about the inability to make close friends or be in a relationship. We've been dating for two years, now, and his potential and past deployments have never affected anything. It was just, like, "oh, yeah, e-mail?" Because we trust each other; I only date people I can see myself marrying. I've had that mentality since I was 17. I would never sacrifice my standards/morals because I can't find anything better.

You'll be more miserable trying to emotionally stabilize your relationships that barely meet your standards than being alone. "Settling" in the name of desperation is a relationship killer, to me. You obviously need a person who is going to trust you and who you will trust. Judging from your first paragraph, you have issues opening up. However, this can't be an on-going trend. Communication is key, and opening yourself up to someone is the start of something you can hardly imagine you'd ever experience. (I speak from experience.) I hate talking about my issues and concerns, and so does my boyfriend. Basically, once you pair a secretive person with another secretive person, it creates massive build-up and tension; once we had let all of it out, it's seriously never felt better.

Distance does not make the heart fonder. It's a completely rough road that can tear you apart, but communication is key. Trust doesn't come before communication, and a good relationship cannot spawn without trust and an unrelenting love for one another. I'm guessing that once you find that person, you'll know, and there won't be any questioning.

I hope you do find this person, and I hope all goes well. You have my respect for being in this position.

EDIT: I also forgot to add. It will be worth your while to find someone who reflects your beliefs, thoughts, and goals. Someone who understands you will be someone similar to you. If you want genuine emotional support, and none of the, "I'll miss you, baby" thing, you will need someone who mirrors your dreams/aspirations in life. If you want to explore the world, but your girlfriend wants to be a stay-at-home mom, the conflicts likely won't settle out well.

[DoubleJ]

I'm a little wary of marriages while being in the military, because I've heard many, many stories of both wives and husbands taking every chance to cheat on one another once the man is off in another country. You shouldn't settle for just any girl to whom you're physically attracted; however, even though your outlook on your future is a little dim.

My boyfriend's in the military, and you sound just like him when he used to talk about the inability to make close friends or be in a relationship. We've been dating for two years, now, and his potential and past deployments have never affected anything. It was just, like, "oh, yeah, e-mail?" Because we trust each other; I only date people I can see myself marrying. I've had that mentality since I was 17. I would never sacrifice my standards/morals because I can't find anything better.

You'll be more miserable trying to emotionally stabilize your relationships that barely meet your standards than being alone. "Settling" in the name of desperation is a relationship killer, to me. You obviously need a person who is going to trust you and who you will trust. Judging from your first paragraph, you have issues opening up. However, this can't be an on-going trend. Communication is key, and opening yourself up to someone is the start of something you can hardly imagine you'd ever experience. (I speak from experience.) I hate talking about my issues and concerns, and so does my boyfriend. Basically, once you pair a secretive person with another secretive person, it creates massive build-up and tension; once we had let all of it out, it's seriously never felt better.

Distance does not make the heart fonder. It's a completely rough road that can tear you apart, but communication is key. Trust doesn't come before communication, and a good relationship cannot spawn without trust and an unrelenting love for one another. I'm guessing that once you find that person, you'll know, and there won't be any questioning.

I hope you do find this person, and I hope all goes well. You have my respect for being in this position.

Wow, I really gained alot by reading your post. Here I was, just "dating" girls, just to be doing it. Boy was I wrong. Again, wise words spoken by Whitney.

[fameONE]

No doubt man. I have an ex-friend who is a seal, and he said it is horrible over there. I would listen to the stories, and just be in amazement. I definitely commend you on what you're doing bro, it takes a lot of balls to do that. Hopefully I'll be a ff by the time you come back.

With the extra cash, I'll happily stop in NY.

I'm a little wary of marriages while being in the military, because I've heard many, many stories of both wives and husbands taking every chance to cheat on one another once the man is off in another country. You shouldn't settle for just any girl to whom you're physically attracted; however, even though your outlook on your future is a little dim.

The horrid stories of infidelity are true. Its one of the reasons I refuse to date a female in the military.

In a way, I do feel rushed because I have this notion that I'm going to die at a young age.

My boyfriend's in the military What branch?, and you sound just like him when he used to talk about the inability to make close friends or be in a relationship.

I can definitely relate because I feel isolated, even when around people. Others just don't earn my trust that easily because this is a dog-eat-dog world.

We've been dating for two years, now, and his potential and past deployments have never affected anything.

That's an incredible relationship if the distance and periods of absence don't inhibit anything.

It was just, like, "oh, yeah, e-mail?" Because we trust each other; I only date people I can see myself marrying. I've had that mentality since I was 17. I would never sacrifice my standards/morals because I can't find anything better.

You'll be more miserable trying to emotionally stabilize your relationships that barely meet your standards than being alone. "Settling" in the name of desperation is a relationship killer, to me. You obviously need a person who is going to trust you and who you will trust. Judging from your first paragraph, you have issues opening up. However, this can't be an on-going trend. Communication is key, and opening yourself up to someone is the start of something you can hardly imagine you'd ever experience. (I speak from experience.) I hate talking about my issues and concerns, and so does my boyfriend. Basically, once you pair a secretive person with another secretive person, it creates massive build-up and tension; once we had let all of it out, it's seriously never felt better.

My initial intent isn't to settle at all. In fact, I approach any potential relationship very cautiously. I know not everyone is out to screw me over, but its hard not to live without this mindset. With the exception of this past relationship, its worked out well for me in the sense that, my identity hasn't been stolen, I'm financially stable and I don't even know what legal problems are anymore. For my career, I have no complaints whatsoever. Hell, I'm about to be a Corporal of Marines in a month or so. Conversely, my personal life is suffering. The lone wolf attitude can only get me so far. I want a pack of my own.

Distance does not make the heart fonder. It's a completely rough road that can tear you apart, but communication is key. Trust doesn't come before communication, and a good relationship cannot spawn without trust and an unrelenting love for one another. I'm guessing that once you find that person, you'll know, and there won't be any questioning.

I hope you do find this person, and I hope all goes well. You have my respect for being in this position.

Thank you. I really appreciate the support.

[DoubleJ]

Hey this is what we are here for bro. I know if I were ever in the situation, as I have been, you would give the best advice that you could as well.

[Insurmountable]

I'm a little wary of marriages while being in the military, because I've heard many, many stories of both wives and husbands taking every chance to cheat on one another once the man is off in another country. You shouldn't settle for just any girl to whom you're physically attracted; however, even though your outlook on your future is a little dim.

I've read every reply and such, but this is the only one I can reply to. My manager was in the military and he tells us stories about how much he use to cheat on his wife and how good the sex was >_> and then he complains how his wife won't sleep with him anymore So yes it does happen, I mean of course you have your lucky pick of the bunch that do stick it out and don't cheat on each other.

My dads girlfriends kids dad side of the family, their aunt or something like that is in the army and she got married a few days before she had to go to Germany, their doing fine from what I know. Although he is in the army as well and somewhere else.

I think it depends on the relationship the two people share, and if their up for the challenge.

[livwho]

Your backpack full of supplies may seem heavy, but the emotional baggage you're carrying probably weighs more. Despite what you may think, long distance relationships CAN work, but only both ends feel strongly enough to pull through. Undoubtedly, leaving for an undetermined amount of time is going to be hard on any relationship.
Never settle for anyone you don't feel is right. It's not fair to either one of you. Actually, if you're having doubts, you probably shouldn't be dating her at all.

Here's how I look at things: I'm never going to f**k around with a guy I can't see myself marrying. If my name doesn't sound right with his surname pinned to the end, we're a no-go. I'm not saying that's how you should look at your situation, but whatever.

You aren't doomed; there are always going to be people that love you in the world (i.e. momma, papa, sister, brother, all of us here at cB). Maybe when you return, you'll be able to settle down, and life will resume a homeostatic state.

* Sorry if that was completely incoherent. It's almost 1:00AM here.

[fameONE]

On second thought, I've given relationships another chance. I may have found that happiness.

[fameONE]

Your love life is doomed until your contract ends, buddy.