anyone knoe any jokes?, -_-x bored Options

[xjjajeengx]

anyone noe any funny jokes? darn... i think i annoyed the crap owt of all mah joke masters, thus they wont tell me anymore!!!! hehe... going to bother them more jkjk. anyways, i dont noe if there was a subject on this, but post your jokes, your best ones here. then... er... yea.

rules:
lets try to keep this a JOKE topic. i dont want some fight between blondes, girls, guys, fatties, etc. hahaah yea.

my joke?
i dont have one. -_- o well.

[jeppu]

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

... lol .. get it? hehe

[*krnxswat*]

What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef Jerky!

[aakash27]

i have a funny thing i heard on comedy central... i was watching stand up comedy... the guy is in his late mid 40's and he is talking bout when he knows when it is too old to be dating... he said.. i was in this bar and i was talking and flirting with this hot chick... the only reason i didn't take her home with me was because i felt a dump coming on ... this is when u know ur getting to old to date...
i thught that was funny

i want to say another joke but i don't know if it will be offensive to anyone or inapropriate for some age groups

[tofumonzter]

aahhahahha

[Tal_Dara]

HERE IS A GOD JOKE> ITS WRONG YET FUNNY AT THE SAME TIME.

What is the one place where can you find Batman, Superman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk all hanging out?

MICHEAL JACKSON'S UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!!!

OH YEAH!!!!

[nerdish]

lmao... funny funny...


okay, so I have some jokes that are racist, but we won't get into those....

but there was an olive and a banana sitting on the counter, and the banana says to the olive, "hey, what's the matter?".... and the olive says "ohhh, nothing, don't worry about me-- olive"

[COLDasICE]

Got this from the famous.. Dave Chappelle..

- What did 50 cent say when his grandma gave him a sweater for Christmas??

50 said: G-UUUUUNIT!!!!

(haha.. G for grandma.. and since it was sweater, she knit it herself..)

G-UUUUNIT!!!

Wow! What a real knee-slapper

[*CEP*]

So a man walks into a bar and says.."ouch!"

I'll let that sink in for a little bit.

[*CJ1*]

huh?

[nate6986]

mite b a lil inappropiate but ill give it a try

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his
wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick
his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

[*CJ1*]

hahahaha..... so wrong.... hahaha

[nate6986]

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his
rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a
scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This
scope is so good,you can see my house all the way up on that
hill".

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a
naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two
bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these
two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick
off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know
what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[k00alah]

haha.. funny.. g-uuuniit!!

here's one but it might be inappropriate.. (do we really care if its inappropriate?? i think if its funny just tell it anyways..)

ok there was a blind couple and they didnt know how to communicate to each other if they wanted to have sex.. so the man told his wife.. if you want to have sex stroke me once.. but if you dont want to have sex stroke me 50 times..

[*CJ1*]

haha... all these inappropriate joke.... haha...

[LowesRacer2K3]

What does Spongebob Squarepants wear under his pants?

His Undersquare!

[dat_da_busit_hai]

uh,,, n0ice....

[darkestdesire]

This is kind of a bad one but oh wellz...

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.

[playapinoy]

Heres one:

What did the policeman say when he lost his bike?


Ans: Wheres my bike

[ichiban]

. . . lol

You are so ugly that when you were born, your mom said, "What a treasure!", and your dad said, "Yes! Let's bury it!"

^^ not a good joke but O WELL i'm not a comedian

[*krnxswat*]

What did the volcano say to the other volcano?

"I lava you"

i have a lame one o.O

Q: why is the walking person feeling sour?

A: cuz he stepped on a lemon

[iTzJoEzLaDiEe]

So a man walks into a bar and says.."ouch!"

I'll let that sink in for a little bit.

ROFL omg im so slow.. and i thought i was "quick witted".. woo funny

[iTzJoEzLaDiEe]

innapropriate but its all in good fun. uhm k here goes.

Two little kids were playing in the sand box. A girl and a Boy. The boy said "i have two hands". the little girl looks over and says "me too"
Boy:" i have two legs"
Girl: " me too"
Boy:" i have a nose"
Girl:" me too.."

so it went on like that for a while till...
Boy:" i have this" *points promptly down between his legs. The girl looks at him then looks away.
Girl: "i have to go home..."

so the little girl goes home and talks to her mom. She meets the boy at the sand box again and goes through the same thing


Boy "i have two hands".
Gir:l"me too"
Boy:" i have two legs"
Girl: " me too"
Boy:" i have a nose"
Girl:" me too.."
Boy: "i have this" *points between his legs"
Girl: " Well my mommy said that as long as i have this." *points between her legs* " i can get as many of those," *points to the spot between the boys legs* "as i want"..

LOL sorry..

[*lookitskim*]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Grocery bag?
One is White, plastic and hazardous to kids, and the other one is to put groceries in...

What time does Neverland ranch close?
When the big hand touches the little hand

Ok enough.. MJ jokes..

[iTzJoEzLaDiEe]

lol.. i have another one..

Fatherly Bonding:

A man was reading the news paper while his son did his hwk. the son looks up and asks "dad? is god white or black?"
his dad looked over at him and smiled "hes both son"
the boy went back to work, he looked up again "dad? is god a man or a woman?"
his dad loked over at him again, "hes both"
the boy stared at his dad.."dad?"
the man : "yes?"

"...Is Micheal Jackson God?"..

dumb huh?

[fragrance]

what do u call cheese thats not urs??
huh?? huh??

i dunno u tell me
dont touch my cheese though

[*krnxswat*]

what do u call cheese thats not urs??
huh?? huh??

i dunno u tell me
dont touch my cheese though

Nacho Cheese

[fragrance]

ahhahaahah
aahhahahahah
ahhahaahha
gafjsagjkgdg

that joke never fails me
<hahahahahhaa

[*krnxswat*]

Person A: knock knock!
Person B: Who's there?
Person A: Sorry, wrong door.

[DisneyPrincessKa...]

Judge: I'm sorry Micky, but I can't grand you a divorice because Minnie is mentally unstable.
Micky: I never said that! I said she was f**king Goofy!

tell that one to the kids...

[da_confuzed_001]

i can't think of any right now but u should watch mad tv or somin on comedy channel. yea its there to make you laugh ur pants off!!

[dat_da_busit_hai]

WHAT DO U CALLA BLUE WHITE RED, STRPIED, POKIE DOTTED, BIG, 3 headed, DOG?
o0o

psh i dunno... i jus thought it would look kool...

[d1nonlyqty]

hahaha these are retarded but funny :]

[so0o_contagious]

don't shoot homies, shoot hoops...

[nate6986]

jack got a new car with a awesome stereo. when you shout out rock it plays rock, shout rap and it will play rap. so one day jack was driving down the street when a buncha kids ran by throwing rocks at jacks new car, so jack yelled f***ing kids! and the radio turned to michael jackson

[xjjajeengx]

HAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LMAO!!! ^_^ so hilarious...

[juliar]

america is the only place where a poor black boy can grow up to be a rich white woman.
among those people is the infamous michael jackson.

o yea watch saturday night live...channel 4 11:30-1:00, on saturday nights. [duh].

[DisneyPrincessKa...]

SNL also comes on during the day (only on weekdays I think) between 1 and 3 (i think?) I love that show

[nate6986]

This lady is getting a physical at the doctor's office. The doctor looks
her over and says she looks perfectly healthy, except for a big letter T
on her chest. The doctor says "What's that T on your chest from?" She
replies "My boyfriend plays football for Tenessee and when we have sex, he
wears his jersey."

The next day, another lady comes in for the same reason, to get her
physical. This lady also has a big letter on her chest, though an M. So
the doctor asks her what it's doing there and she says it's from her
boyfriend who plays basketball for Michigan.

This time, another lady comes in for her check-up. The doctor says "Well,
ma'am, you're all healthy except for that big M on your chest. But let me
guess, your boyfriend plays for Michigan, and every time you perform
Sexual Intercourse, he wears his jersey." She looks at him and replies,
"Close, my girlfriend plays for Washington"

[tkproduce]

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

[nearly sam]

i have one!!! or a couple


[B]Q:how do you get a pikachu on a bus?[/B]

you Pok'emon!!

translation: pok 'em on



what do you call a shee without legs?

a cloud


why did the booger cross the road?

he was getting picked on


what's batman's favorite meal time?

dinner dinner dinner dinner batman~(batman theme song)


what's mozert's favorite fruit?

bananna~ na na na na...(u proably don't get that one. u need sound affections)

[xjjajeengx]

hmm... sam its spelled mozart haha lols you guys crack me up

[Imacliche77]

I got one, Its a welfare Joke:


A man walked into the local welfare office, marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate
drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing.
We
just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big
black
Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.

Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and
you
will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday
trips. The salary package starts at $200,000.00 a year with room for
bonuses.

The man said, "You're bullshitting me, man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you
started it."

[Fireshrieker]

i don't get it.

[melface]

HAHAHAHAHA

[tkproduce]

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder. The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher. He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him. Suddenly an old overweight man walks up to him. "Are you God?" the man asks. "No, I'm Sess."

[Fireshrieker]

hahahahahahahaha

you need to have your mind in the gutter for it to be funny

plus its really dirty

but its hilarious!!!!!!

[tkproduce]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[*CJ1*]

I only get the one with the minister.... I feel like I'm missing out.....

[Madelein]

i dunno if anyone here thinks this is funny, but i did. :)

"how many babies does it take to paint a wall?"

~~"Just one...if you throw it hard enough."

it was funny when i first read it...

[*CJ1*]

I get it.... Wait, never mind... I lost it...

[xjjajeengx]

So a man walks into a bar and says.."ouch!"

I'll let that sink in for a little bit.

my orchestra instructor keeps saying this joke. there are actually people who dont get it still (since the begining of the year...) any chance you noe my conductor? scary... him and his frends always saying this joke...

[*CEP*]

my orchestra instructor keeps saying this joke. there are actually people who dont get it still (since the begining of the year...) any chance you noe my conductor? scary... him and his frends always saying this joke...

Nope. I read that from GFAQs forum. I thought it was witty.

Note: For the people who didn't get it, he walked into you know like bumping into the bar.

- Chinkieeyedpnoi

[Jiggapin0]

Why does Snoop Dogg keep an umbrella?

Answer: Fo Drizzle

Hahahaha.

[_confuzed_]

why did the bubblegum cross the road?
because it wuz stuck to the chicken! ah-ha-ha..

[angel-roh]

ur mama so fat...one time she sat on a rainbow, all the skittles popped out.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

taste the rainbow <--- u heard that in skittles commercial...hahahahaa

Attached File(s)

 bin_from_luv.gif ( 59.88K ) Number of downloads: 0

 

[nate6986]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[rOckThISshYt]

okay.....

a marine corp officer and a navy guy are in a bathroom at the same time. the navy guy gets out of the stall first and washes his hands. then the marine gets out and doesn't wash his hand so the navy guy says "you know, when i was a kid my mama taught me to wash my hands after i go to the bathroom" the the marine says "well, when i was a kid my mama taught me not to piss on my hands."

~Julia~ xoxo *smooches*

check the [x]

[missnh]

I know this joke where you ask them to ask you a knock-knock joke, and you respond "who's there?" and they're like "WTF, IDONNO WHAT TO SAI AFTER DIS"

[HeatherRawriee]

Hahahaha, you guys make me laugh

I've got one:

Three men were trapped on an island when a cannibal kidnapped them. He said "I will let you go if you do a task for me. If you fail the task, I will kill you and eat you. First you have to find ten fruits of your choice from the island,"
This first man came back with ten apples. The cannibal says "now the task. You must shove them up your ass without making a noise. If you do, I will kill and eat you." But on the third one the man screamed, so he was killed. Then the second man came out with ten grapes. He was told on the the same thing, but on the ninth grape he laughed, so he was killed too. In Heaven the first man askes "Why did you laugh? You were so close!" and the second man replied...

"Because I saw Bill come out with pineapples!"

[emberfly]

mite b a lil inappropiate but ill give it a try

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his
wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick
his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

I love it!! :D

[tokyo-rose]

Moved to Humor.

[Hypnot]

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary !!!

Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under $tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon .

Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih


The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply :

Dear Marian
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad .

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .

Yours truly,
Manager

[Hypnot]

Little Turtle

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

[Hypnot]

Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then " he said with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[JokeInsideJoke]

Hahahaha, you guys make me laugh

I've got one:

Three men were trapped on an island when a cannibal kidnapped them. He said "I will let you go if you do a task for me. If you fail the task, I will kill you and eat you. First you have to find ten fruits of your choice from the island,"
This first man came back with ten apples. The cannibal says "now the task. You must shove them up your ass without making a noise. If you do, I will kill and eat you." But on the third one the man screamed, so he was killed. Then the second man came out with ten grapes. He was told on the the same thing, but on the ninth grape he laughed, so he was killed too. In Heaven the first man askes "Why did you laugh? You were so close!" and the second man replied...

"Because I saw Bill come out with pineapples!"

i love this one