Collapse, a random poem |
| *mishyerr* |
 Feb 14 2007, 09:05 PM
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#1
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She sits arched, posed, silent;
her eyes aware of every little second and movement Clenching her head in her hands - She is not resting, Her head held up by the rigidity of her spine. Simply, but quietly her last collapse, her eyes drop Head falls into expectant hands ------- This is a random poem I wrote a few weeks ago. Opinions? |
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Feb 14 2007, 09:07 PM
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#2
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 [LetYourEmotionsShowInYourWorkOfLife]  Group: Member Posts: 41 Joined: Jan 2007 Member No: 498,204 |
Good :] Verry good :] great use of imagery
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| *Kathleen* |
Feb 15 2007, 12:31 PM
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#3
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I like it.. except for I'm confused about her position.
 Initially, you say she's posed, then she's clenching her head in her hands.. which makes me imagine that she's leaning forward a bit, but then her head is held up by how rigid her spine is.  Meh. Maybe I'm reading too into this or picking up different connotations. Eek.
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| *mishyerr* |
Feb 15 2007, 09:52 PM
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#4
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It's actually just a girl sitting at her desk; she's very tense at first, so she's not really relaxing and letting her head rest. Then, she finally "collapses" and she sort of "falls" into the position she was already set up in. If that makes sense. lol
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Feb 20 2007, 12:07 AM
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#5
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 Oh My Goblet of Fire! Group: Member Posts: 222 Joined: Feb 2007 Member No: 504,421 |
I really like your imagery! The subject is also very beautiful! It's too bad there isn't more structure (or maybe I'm not seeing it?)
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| *mishyerr* |
Feb 20 2007, 07:44 PM
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#6
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QUOTE(Señorita Semi-Automatic @ Feb 20 2007, 1:07 AM)  I really like your imagery! The subject is also very beautiful! It's too bad there isn't more structure (or maybe I'm not seeing it?) Unfortunately, there is no structure, haha. :/ |
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Feb 21 2007, 10:10 AM
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#7
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 peace&love, earth flower Group: Member Posts: 651 Joined: Apr 2006 Member No: 398,938 |
AHH I get it now.
Originally I was with Kathleen. But I get it...I like the subject matter. |
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