An Object's Life Options

[Cykia]

We're doing this poem for school - it's supposedly an object's life story, and supposed to have at least five verses.

We passed our first drafts around for people to have some feedback at school and I didn't get too many helpful comments, so I was wondering if I could have some feedback from you guys, even though I've never been - er - active.

So please, people, don't worry about my feelings being hurt. If you think it's too long, say so. If you think it's ugly, say so. That's why I put it here. So...



Shouts of "I want this! and "Try it on!"
And "Wait, I think it's too expensive, John."
Repeated around me, all day, every day
Surely, you'd think someone would give way
To the price - it certainly was a bargain
But everyone wanted the lime green cardigan!
And look at me: all beautiful and black
I can't imagine what they'd thought I lacked
" Hey, that girl there!" I thought, lonely and sad.
" Take me away, please! Else I'll go mad!"

When someone finally said, " I'll take this, sir"
He was pointing at - wait! Not the hat with fake fur
Not the shirt in sky blue, or the pants marked with "3"
He was pointing at - oh! He was pointing at me!
Then I was folded, arms under myself
" Who cares!" I thought, " I'm off the shelf!"
When someone lifted me out, I was relieved
Then I felt someone pull me up by my sleeves
A glowing face of a bright, charming lad
Cheered me up then - in fact, I was glad!

The next few years were quite peaceful, really
I went out every day - well, just about! Nearly!
Parties, football matches, dancing in the rain
But what they say about "no pain, no gain"
Is actually true: If there's one thing I hate
It's the "devil's mouth" - spinning me to a rate
Of a thousand revolutions every hour
It makes life turn from sweet to sour!
Also, there was once when I lost my head
I don't remember much of it; I reall, instead,
A pair of boys with their caps turned backwards
Pulling at me, kicking at me like dirt
Then I was decapitated - I thought that was the end
'Til someone took me somewhere to mend
I don't know why, but when I came out,
Never the same again, the boy had a pout

Then I was given to a much younger girl
Who tortured me and drew hideous swirls
Across my black, all beautiful cloth
The part of me I had once been so proud of!
But what could I do now? I was trapped
Anyhow, it was better than being scrapped
And sent to someone to "recycle" me
While I was beheaded, it would have been easy

I was then packed again in a box
I heard only bangs and clicks of the locks
Then, I realised: they were sending me away!
No! No! Let it not be, I say!

" Life is a roller coaster," they proclaim, all over town
They add, " because it does have its ups and downs"
And I agree with that - maybe if I weren't
Kicked at by boys, then I wouldn't've been burnt
My bruised pride wouldn't have to exist
But now, it does, with pink at my wrist
Green on my waste, a horrifying, red head
My life could've been beautiful; it was ugly instead


What do you guys think?

[illumineering]

But what they say about "no pain, no gain"
Is actually true: If there's one thing I hate
It's the "devil's mouth" - spinning me to a rate
Of a thousand revolutions every hour
It makes life turn from sweet to sour!

I would delete this. It makes that stanza wordy.

The part of me I had once been so proud of!

Delete The part of me in this stanza. It's redundant.

The last stanza and the portrayl of a negative life is inconsistent with the majority of the poem. I don't think a specifically negative ending is warranted here. Maybe a more reflective/melancholy view would be a better fit.

And I agree with that - maybe if I weren't
Kicked at by boys, then I wouldn't've been burnt
My bruised pride wouldn't have to exist
But now, it does, with pink at my wrist
Green on my waste, a horrifying, red head
My life could've been beautiful; it was ugly instead

This section needs to be deleted.

Overall, you did a great job. I enjoyed reading this!

[xstab.my.heartx]

it entertained me.
Was it about a shirt?