Choke |
 Feb 16 2006, 01:04 AM
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#1
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 I just "got it like that".  Group: Member Posts: 247 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 41,238  |
Choke me
Use both hands Pull me apart strand by strand Crush into pieces and bury into sand How am i supposed to know exactly who i am? I feel like shit....and.... there's nothing i can do about it. Don't love me. Why bother? While im drowning in shallow water? you broke me maybe all for the better my heart in a blender but wouldn't you know it?... i kept every one of your letters. and i feel like shit... but you dont know the half Im lonely but im not crying these arent tears i just have something in my eye two storys told One story ... lie. and i feel like shit... and you can never get enough I hate you. |
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| *wind&fire* |
Feb 17 2006, 07:38 AM
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#2
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its good but are you trying to rhyme? because your rhyming couplets are everywhere and dont conform...
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Feb 17 2006, 06:00 PM
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#3
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 My name's Katt. Nice to meet you! Group: Member Posts: 3,826 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 93,674 |
I agree with wind&fire. The rhyming scheme is really inconsistent, and when you do rhyme, it sounds childish ... I think the word choice could have been better. I like the concept though. I like these lines:
'Im lonely but im not crying these arent tears' Nice job. |
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Feb 18 2006, 01:50 PM
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#4
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 My desperate heart is far too weak to run for you this long. Group: Member Posts: 640 Joined: Jun 2005 Member No: 150,342 |
Hmm. Wow. I Love It.
Very Drama-esque. Strongly Written. 
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Feb 21 2006, 01:04 AM
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#5
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I just "got it like that". Group: Member Posts: 247 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 41,238 |
QUOTE(wind&fire @ Feb 17 2006, 7:38 AM)  its good but are you trying to rhyme? because your rhyming couplets are everywhere and dont conform... LMFAO!!!  Since when does poetry have to rhyme? Or, "conform" for that matter. It doesn't. But thank you very much for your feedback everyone. |
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| *wind&fire* |
Feb 22 2006, 03:32 AM
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#6
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oh so you werent rhyming? then its good... i was just a little confused
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Feb 24 2006, 05:02 PM
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#7
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 "lal! laugh a little!" Group: Member Posts: 192 Joined: Jan 2006 Member No: 364,863 |
Wow...that was beautiful!
Well, I was gonna copy and paste two lines into this..then three...then I realized that its true for the whole poem: It absolutely describes my life right now... Can I make an avatar for it? Please?? --->Sierra |
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Feb 24 2006, 05:04 PM
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#8
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 2,614 Joined: Jan 2005 Member No: 85,903 |
wo0ow it seems like your about to kill your self or something.. like wow.. You might want to talk to somebody about these fellings.. o.O
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| *ranniel* |
Feb 24 2006, 07:21 PM
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#9
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i like it sometimes i feel like that.
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Feb 24 2006, 10:40 PM
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#10
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I just "got it like that". Group: Member Posts: 247 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 41,238 |
QUOTE(xxxSiERRAxxx @ Feb 24 2006, 5:02 PM) Wow...that was beautiful! Well, I was gonna copy and paste two lines into this..then three...then I realized that its true for the whole poem: It absolutely describes my life right now... Can I make an avatar for it? Please?? --->Sierra Uh, I guess that you could make an avatar out of it.  lol
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Feb 25 2006, 12:11 AM
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#11
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"lal! laugh a little!" Group: Member Posts: 192 Joined: Jan 2006 Member No: 364,863 |
Haha...I was just so happy when I saw that poem...I feel that way sooo much now with my group of friends....I had to send it to all of them saying that that's the way I've been feeling....
PM me!! --->Sierra |
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| *Blow_Don't_SUCK* |
Feb 25 2006, 01:04 AM
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#12
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QUOTE(wind&fire @ Feb 17 2006, 7:38 AM) its good but are you trying to rhyme? because your rhyming couplets are everywhere and dont conform... I agree. Some of the rhyming kinda went off topic |
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| *iNyCxShoRT* |
Feb 25 2006, 01:10 AM
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#13
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For some reason, this poem seems like a rap to me.
I still like it though, I can feel the emotion.
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