there you go, poem, depressing. |
 Jan 3 2006, 08:00 PM
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#1
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 can't touch this  Group: Member Posts: 174 Joined: Dec 2005 Member No: 323,184  |
and im shattered all over again
funny how you promised me you'd wait and there you go, leaving before im ready leaving me lost and so.. hurt. but it's okay, as long as it's not you. and it's peachy keen if i'm dying and i'm trying so hard to hold on it's okay if the tears that i'm crying aren't spilled on you. and you told me "i'm yours forever" but forever's not quite as long as it seems and i'm still kind of lost at how you can.. just lose your interest in your dreams something you've cherished so long how could you just..forget? ---------------- meh kind of how i feel just thrown out on paper, no revisions i havent written in a while so this probably sucks comments and..crits. |
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Jan 3 2006, 10:05 PM
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#2
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 some reason i feel alone...guess cus my true self is never shown Group: Member Posts: 303 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 246,804 |
no it doesnt suck its really good
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Jan 3 2006, 10:37 PM
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#3
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 Cockadoodledoo Mother Fcuka!!! Group: Member Posts: 1,438 Joined: Nov 2005 Member No: 296,088 |
advice- make those revisions then repost
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Jan 3 2006, 11:12 PM
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#4
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 I love Havasupai Group: Member Posts: 1,040 Joined: Jul 2005 Member No: 163,878 |
Your point-of-view drifts and makes it hard to track your perspective and purpose for writing this.
I like this... QUOTE funny how you promised me you'd wait and there you go, I'd like to read about the differences between words and actions as the quote suggests. There's too much displaced angst at the end. I'd like to see a rewrite of this. Anyway, that's just my opinion. Thanks for posting. 
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Jan 4 2006, 12:08 AM
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#5
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some reason i feel alone...guess cus my true self is never shown Group: Member Posts: 303 Joined: Sep 2005 Member No: 246,804 |
wasnt hard for me to read it
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Jan 4 2006, 12:19 AM
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#6
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I love Havasupai Group: Member Posts: 1,040 Joined: Jul 2005 Member No: 163,878 |
QUOTE(azn_at_heart @ Jan 4 2006, 1:08 AM) wasnt hard for me to read it  If you're responding to my post, I never said it was hard to read. I'm pointing out shifts in point-of-view from first to second person. My opinion, which was duly noted, reflects a way to consider rewriting this piece and fix these errors. |
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