Lost, It is long. Options

[Rachel]

This is just me writing. Anything and everything I am feeling right now. I cannot write an ending paragraph right now. I don't know HOW to end it.

When did life begin to suck so much? A couple of months ago, I was happy; I was in love, I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and it was almost summer. Now it is August and I am more confused then I have ever been. My heart is broken and I am left to pick up the pieces. I don't know what direction I want to go in, I don't know what college to look at, and I don't feel smart enough to get anything accomplished. I feel as though everything has been turned upside down and inside out. Whatever I thought I knew in June has proved to be the complete opposite.

Lost is the only word I can think of to describe me, along with hurt, confused, betrayed, wronged, useless, unattractive, mystified; I could go on for ages. I don't know what to do with my relationship. He ruined what we had but I love him too much to end it completely. I know he is sorry but he hasn't proved himself yet. I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't of met him and fallen in love. I don't want it to end, but I can't bear the pain for much longer. I can’t keep pretending things will be okay. I wish he would stop talking to her and start talking to me. I feel like I caused the relationship to fall apart even though he was the one who cheated. I don’t feel good enough for him; he is the one who is supposed to feel this, not me.

Not only am I f**ked in the relationship department, my future doesn’t seem to be any brighter. I thought I wanted to be a writer, a journalist even. But now I feel like I can’t write for the life of me. This is the first thing I have written in a long time and I still don’t like it. I don’t feel prepared for senior year, it has come too soon. I feel like I am running head first into traffic, my world is suddenly coming down around me and I don’t know how to react. My mother is no help at all. She thinks I have it all figured out, she has a plan for me. It includes doing fantastic this year, acing my S.A.T.’s, getting into a great college that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg, and of course becoming a successful writer. While this all sounds good on paper, I don’t know if it is what I want. I don’t know what I want right now. I feel too young and too misplaced to make up my mind now.