A Suburban Existence |
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| *not_your_average* |
 Aug 10 2005, 04:37 PM
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#1
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Well, some of you, being much better writers than me, said this needed a rewrite. Taking your points of view into consideration, I cringed after reading my essay/story. So I'll try to get a rewrite in when I can.
This post has been edited by not_your_average: Aug 13 2005, 10:18 AM |
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| *Azarel* |
Aug 10 2005, 07:44 PM
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#2
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The shift from singular to plural is awkward (my to we). Then the shift from first to third is even more awkward (we to their). I would advise keeping the pov the same throughout the entire piece. And I don't exactly see how perfection is tied in to this - I mean like, .. the last mention of perfection seems to differ from the first mention in the third stanza, although I'm not sure how. But other than those little bits and spelling, it's an interesting read.
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Aug 10 2005, 09:37 PM
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#3
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 I love Havasupai  Group: Member Posts: 1,040 Joined: Jul 2005 Member No: 163,878 |
I find nothing that reflects perfection in suburbia. The artifical nature of "cookie cutter houses" is as uninspiring as a wet noodle in the garbage. For me, life is far more than shirt collars, gossip, minivans and a flat-screen TV.
How could you despise perfection? The suburban existence you describe is far from it. |
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| *mipadi* |
Aug 10 2005, 09:41 PM
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#4
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QUOTE(illumineering @ Aug 10 2005, 10:37 PM) How could you despise perfection? The suburban existence you describe is far from it.  Irony, perhaps? The fact that at one time, the things in the piece would have been considered perfection, but truly are not. |
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Aug 10 2005, 10:02 PM
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#5
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I love Havasupai Group: Member Posts: 1,040 Joined: Jul 2005 Member No: 163,878 |
QUOTE(mipadi @ Aug 10 2005, 10:41 PM) Irony, perhaps? The fact that at one time, the things in the piece would have been considered perfection, but truly are not. Although I cannot find anything ironic in this piece, it's possible. It reads more like a self-loathing rant. It's a worthy effort that would benefit from a rewrite. I would like to see this evolve into something that has a more defined "utopian veneer" in order to create the feeling of irony. As it is, the image the piece creates, in my opinion, is superficial and shallow. |
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| *mipadi* |
Aug 10 2005, 10:06 PM
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#6
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I think there's at least a foundation of irony involved, in the fact that was is described as "perfect" is anything but.
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| *not_your_average* |
Aug 13 2005, 10:39 AM
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#7
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QUOTE(illumineering @ Aug 10 2005, 9:37 PM) How could you despise perfection? The suburban existence you describe is far from it. I see what you're saying. What I was trying to convey, however, was that a suburban existence is not what it seems. Maybe what I said about the things that make it imperfect are shallow and superficial. QUOTE Irony, perhaps? The fact that at one time, the things in the piece would have been considered perfection, but truly are not. That was what I was trying to get across. QUOTE The shift from singular to plural is awkward (my to we). Then the shift from first to third is even more awkward (we to their). I would advise keeping the pov the same throughout the entire piece. I see it now. I couldn't make up my mind about which POV to use. ----------- After seeing my piece using your feedback, I cringed. It does deserve a serious rewrite. |
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