a short story..., that i wrote. |
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 Apr 14 2004, 12:01 PM
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#1
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cb=bullshit.  Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793  |
So, anyway... here's the deal.. I wrote a 'short story' sort of... and I just wanted to share it with those here at createblog... Please do not take it and put your name on it... That would just be so unoriginal and idiotic and low... okay, thanks... I don't think I have a title for it so if anyone has one... please, let me know... I hope you like it, it's crap, though... and it's long.. okay I'll shut up now...
She sighed and put down the mug of her warm, creamy liquid. She stared down into it and watched her reflection for a minute or two. The unfamiliar face mocked her misery. Lifting the mug to her lips, and with a few more sips, the mocking was gone... but the misery proceeded. Standing, walking, almost like floating unconsciously into the cafe's restrooms. She felt detached and lost. She locked the door, not caring about who else wanted to barge in. She peered into the scratched, unwashed mirror, and she's disappointed once she makes sure it's really her bruised face. She mumbles, "nope, still the same...", as she hoped for a different person than from what she has seen from back at the small, cornered table. She dug into her purse, ransacking it for a brandless, cheap, red lipstick; once found, her hand slowly wrote next to her pale face, "You are not worth living for."... Her eyes stung, and her heart slowed in pace followed by deep inhales and long exhales. Streaks were gently created from her Maybelline mascara and Cover Girl eyeliner. She let out a barely audible sigh and wiped her eyes and her cheeks. She rinsed her face of the tears, makeup, and pain... she walked out of the restroom that has become so familiar to her over the past couple of weeks... it was a routine to her, now. She was surrounded by people who she knew and didn't know, people who had different personalities, she felt alone, once again. She loved and hated feeling this way... people walked on looking happy with bright smiles on their faces. She smiled, as well, admiring them for a split second and then the loathing kicked in. She knew she was a beautiful, unique individual, with her purse full of useless items and a body and mind, useless, as always. She walked on, into the busy, chaotic street. Feeling hopeless, she walked with the crowd. No, she didn't know where she was being taken... she just kept drifting on with them. She thought, "Am I doing the right thing?..", she stopped suddenly, a man shoved passed her and a woman gave looks, as a small child watched from a bench. She turned off into a small alley... She felt relieved... she looked back a couple of times and watched the river of people walking by out on the street sidewalk... She found a pile of dirty crates at the end of the alley, where the buildings came together, forming a little dead end... she sat. The tall structures on both sides of her, and behind her... caused her to feel a pang of claustrophobia... in front of her was the alley she had just walked to get to the new, semi-comfortable chair. Past a few leaking pipes and a couple of ripped and flattened boxes, she could see the world go by. She turned her chin up and looked up at the sky... She could see that it was about half past six, and the night sky was watching over her... She loved the stars that you had to squint to see...but they were much easier and prettier when she was out on a beach, somewhere, but the lights in the city made them barely visible... The huge, bright clouds above her, told her a storm was coming... yet, the sky was still so beautiful and untouchable. The dark shades of blue and black felt so close to her... so close, she could touch them. She sighed, for the third time... and she cried, for the second. She didn't worry about her appearance, this time... She was tired of the facade and she was tired of life... She had found a small box cutter next to her chair of crates... She sighed, for the fourth time... she cut herself, for the third... and finally, she died for the second. |
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Apr 14 2004, 12:34 PM
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#2
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 <3<3<3<3 Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 3,177 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,779 |
  thats so sad it made me almost tear up. mel your good 
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Apr 14 2004, 12:37 PM
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#3
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cb=bullshit. Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793 |
thankie millions ! <3 samerz
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Apr 14 2004, 12:38 PM
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#4
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 2,520 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 200 |
wow that was really intense/good... good job mel
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Apr 14 2004, 12:39 PM
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#5
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 muted imperfections <3 Group: Official Member Posts: 3,295 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 2,260 |
OMG mel thats some good writing. damn! and wow the ending is wow. thats all i have to say. u should write more stories and share them in here. i'd love to read more!!! lOL! and dont worry i wont steal this. lOL...
  jackie
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Apr 14 2004, 12:41 PM
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#6
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cb=bullshit. Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793 |
Haha, Okay... Yeah I've already thought up of a beginning for my next one... I'll post it as soon as I start it...
and thanks you guys! you're the greatest
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Apr 14 2004, 12:42 PM
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 i wish i was a real member!!!! Group: Member Posts: 108 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,756 |
omg... you are gifted ENCOREE! :D
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Apr 14 2004, 12:43 PM
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#8
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 Tell your mom that I don't love her anymore Group: Member Posts: 214 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 2,659 |
ooh great story, you have writing talent good job!
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Apr 14 2004, 12:46 PM
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#9
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 :hammer: Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 9,849 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,700 |
*Claps*
wow.. very nice xD a little scary though.. but it's deep. like.. real deep. =) good job mel |
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Apr 14 2004, 12:57 PM
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#10
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 I HAVE YOUR IP Group: Member Posts: 1,429 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 2,745 |
wow really really good writing, that a sad story.
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Apr 14 2004, 01:03 PM
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#11
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cb=bullshit. Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793 |
sorry... i hope i don't make anyone cry...
 
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Apr 14 2004, 01:46 PM
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#12
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 that girl is poison. Group: Member Posts: 283 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,511 |
^^ ... thatz a really good story mel~ sorta morbid ... but very good *tearz*
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| *Kathleen* |
Apr 14 2004, 04:35 PM
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#13
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Guest |
Moved to the Lounge
Aww...I love it. You should definitely be a writer. You can sort of tell what's going to happen in the beginning, but I mean, just the way you wrote it blew me away. And wow! *Two thumbs up* 
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Apr 14 2004, 04:42 PM
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#14
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 550 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 2,823 |
Wow, that was awesome! wow! you are a great writer! keep it up
Pure Awesomeness! (thats the biggest complement someone can get from me)lol
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Apr 14 2004, 04:44 PM
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#15
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 original member. Group: Official Member Posts: 4,825 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 1,460 |
Omfg...Melly...YOUR SO FRICKEN GOOD AT THIS!
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Apr 14 2004, 04:48 PM
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#16
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 3,565, you n00bs ain't got nothin' on me. Group: Official Member Posts: 3,761 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,565 |
 she...she...she...w-w--why would...
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Apr 14 2004, 05:15 PM
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#17
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Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 3,102 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,162 |
Wow, very, very good. My short stories are crap. I never have the guts to make the character die.
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Apr 14 2004, 05:53 PM
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#18
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 pixel hybrid Group: Member Posts: 6,410 Joined: Jan 2004 Member No: 1,081 |
GOOOOD! I actually attempted to write a story similiar to this. No one got it.
So.. it was in the garbage the next day. But this one is MUCH more better than mine! I LOVE IT!
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Apr 14 2004, 08:35 PM
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#19
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 Hi! I'm Dani :) Group: Member Posts: 5,637 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,369 |
wow thas a depressin story but ur a realli gud writer
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Apr 14 2004, 08:57 PM
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#20
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 teach me korean... i'm serious Group: Member Posts: 918 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 8,427 |
spicey and descriptive.. holler... <(O)
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Apr 14 2004, 09:27 PM
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#21
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 *wow* Group: Member Posts: 165 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,173 |
wow that is really a good story!! man! i feel like cryin.. i'm all teared up..!
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Apr 15 2004, 10:46 AM
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#22
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cb=bullshit. Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793 |
Haha thanks you guys! <3333 Umm, I knew I should have put it in the lounge...
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| *CEP* |
Apr 17 2004, 03:43 AM
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#23
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Wow melface.
That was amazing. It was touching... - Chinkieeyedpnoi |
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Apr 17 2004, 04:23 AM
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#24
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 t a c o s Group: Member Posts: 1,187 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 9,122 |
It's cool. You touch on a lot of aspects of what an individual would face, but took it from a perspective of someone who really does feel alone. I write a lot in the transition of stream of conciousness, which causes my grammar to be off. I didn't know if you were doing that or didn't care for correct punctuation. I enjoyed the ending sentence. It's a good close up. You're a wee bit repetitive with she.
You made three quotes "nope, still the same" "you are not worth living for" "am i doing the right thing" The last one is what really caught me. I only wished you could've touched more on her thoughts instead of looking to the sky for visual perception of her pain. Then again I understand this is a short story. I like this sentence - once found, her hand slowly wrote next to her pale face, "You are not worth living for."... Overall: I give you 8 out of 10 tacos. Check out my site sometime if you enjoy reading as much as you do writing. My last story I wrote was the 2nd latest entry. It's not that good. Didn't really edit it and shit |
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Apr 17 2004, 08:40 AM
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#25
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 Senior Member Group: Member Posts: 3,077 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,904 |
Wow talented. I like the way you ended it.
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Apr 17 2004, 09:48 AM
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#26
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 PHIL ˝ Group: Member Posts: 2,663 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 6,982 |
wow its so sad
man i can never think up ofanything like that
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Apr 17 2004, 11:03 AM
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#27
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 & Group: Member Posts: 26 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 12,131 |
wow. amazing short story. it`s sad but really, really, good. you should publish it in a book. lol
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Apr 17 2004, 05:50 PM
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#28
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 Member Group: Member Posts: 21 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 6,445 |
wow
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Apr 18 2004, 12:32 AM
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#29
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cb=bullshit. Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793 |
QUOTE(hair products @ Apr 17 2004, 3:23 AM) It's cool. You touch on a lot of aspects of what an individual would face, but took it from a perspective of someone who really does feel alone. I write a lot in the transition of stream of conciousness, which causes my grammar to be off. I didn't know if you were doing that or didn't care for correct punctuation. I enjoyed the ending sentence. It's a good close up. You're a wee bit repetitive with she. You made three quotes "nope, still the same" "you are not worth living for" "am i doing the right thing" The last one is what really caught me. I only wished you could've touched more on her thoughts instead of looking to the sky for visual perception of her pain. Then again I understand this is a short story. I like this sentence - once found, her hand slowly wrote next to her pale face, "You are not worth living for."... Overall: I give you 8 out of 10 tacos. Check out my site sometime if you enjoy reading as much as you do writing. My last story I wrote was the 2nd latest entry. It's not that good. Didn't really edit it and shit nope, i didn't really care about the punctuation and such... i was aware of it but i'm too lazy (really i am)... her thoughts weren't that important ... it's irrelevant... sorry... personally... i love the sky that's probably why i focused more on that, anyway... sorry if you didn't like it or whatever... but that was my first short story, so you might want to keep that in mind. |
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Apr 18 2004, 12:34 AM
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#30
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 Retired Member Group: Member Posts: 879 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 4,843 |
nice...
you have a good writing style there... keep it up! read many books! |
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Apr 18 2004, 02:09 AM
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#31
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cb=bullshit. Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793 |
I wrote another.. but in my opinion it isn't as good... but you guys can read it on my xanga: here. i decided not to post it on here so if you want to read it just go to my xanga... =]
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Apr 18 2004, 02:20 AM
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#32
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:hammer: Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 9,849 Joined: Mar 2004 Member No: 7,700 |
another great story x_x makes me feel like i was there.. :D great job mel =)
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Apr 18 2004, 09:14 PM
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#33
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 SwE3TascANdIe Group: Member Posts: 33 Joined: Apr 2004 Member No: 12,817 |
um that was kinda weird. but its good.
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May 23 2004, 03:36 PM
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#34
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cb=bullshit. Group: Member Posts: 1,783 Joined: Feb 2004 Member No: 3,793 |
And so... since we have a writing forum now... I think this should be moved..
yep. |
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