American Soldier, School poem. Critique? Options

[IamRad]

So my history teacher decided to say that we can write a poem or an essay talking about the American soldier. since i dont know much about this topic "soldiers of america" i decided id try and write a poem about it anyway. Please tell me what u think of it, if it makes sense or not. i just put words and random things together and voila.. a poem about an american soldier was discovered. anyway, i dont think its too good, what about u guys?


He stands beside us when we’re happy or sad,
He holds our hand when things go bad.

A one true soldier who will always be there,
He’s the one who will always care.

Through our lives, that soldier will be there with you,
Everyone will soon realize we could be a soldier too.

From all the tears that we create,
He is there to blow them all away.

Trust is seen in the eyes of our soldier,
Through our eyes and his, we will never surrender.

As our lives go on, he will watch us all,
He will lend a hand when things begin to fall.

In America we have this thing called love,
So try to love our true soldier as much as he loves you.

Remembering is not all you can do,
You can help others the way he helps you.

All in all, the American soldier will always be remembered no matter what,
People will always see him as the one who fought.

PS: this will be among other essays or poems, and it will be chosen so that when i go to DC its for the tomb of the unknown soldier ceremony. Fancy stuff.

[sadolakced acid]

you start off nicely, however, you start loosing your rythm and rhyme in favor of keeping your main idea.

i don't really suggest you do that, as it tends to loose poeticness.

so, when you revise it, pay attention to the cadence. when you say it, there should be short and long syllables. you do this nicely in the first few verses, but then it seems to get lost in favor of words that express the idea more. you may have to sacrafice some words you really like for the poem to flow better. always rhyme, or not at all. i think you've done a nice job rhyming the ones that do rhyme, so i'd suggest making the whole poem rhyme.

the thesaurus is your friend! try to find words that will work with your poetic structure, yet still convey your thoughts.

sorry if this sounded overly critical, but from your PS i figured you wanted constructive criticism. your underlying theme is good.

[IamRad]

you start off nicely, however, you start loosing your rythm and rhyme in favor of keeping your main idea.

i don't really suggest you do that, as it tends to loose poeticness.

so, when you revise it,  pay attention to the cadence.  when you say it, there should be short and long syllables.  you do this nicely in the first few verses, but then it seems to get lost in favor of words that express the idea more. you may have to sacrafice some words you really like for the poem to flow better.  always rhyme, or not at all.  i think you've done a nice job rhyming the ones that do rhyme, so i'd suggest making the whole poem rhyme.

the thesaurus is your friend!  try to find words that will work with your poetic structure, yet still convey your thoughts. 

sorry if this sounded overly critical, but from your PS i figured you wanted constructive criticism.  your underlying theme is good.

Yeah i kept reading it over and over again, and i noticed the same things u did. u werent being over critical, i actually admire the fact that u took time into saying what u thought about it. if i sent it to a friend all id get is " omg thats so good" when i know it isnt. so yeah, thank u for ur help, and ill adjust it to make it flow better. it does need work haha

[X_Demented_Mind_...]

I like it. a 10 out of 10