My donner party report, can someone go over it? Options

[jennyjenny]

I need someone/people to go over my Donner Party research paper. I wouldn't usually do this but it's worth 1/4 of my term grade.

Jacob and George Donner were two brave men who led a group of eighty-three people to California, known as the Donner Party. The Donner brothers and their group, inspired by a book, decided to travel to California. They found a note in the middle of their journey that encouraged them to take a route that was supposed to shorten their trip, but instead it delayed them. By the time they got to the Sierra Nevada’s, they were snowbound and had to do anything to survive.
Jacob and George Donner were brothers. Jacob was sixty-five years old and George was sixty-two. Both of their wives were forty-five. The brothers wanted to travel to California because they had read a book written by Lansford W. Hastings called The Emigrant’s Guide to Oregon and California. It said that California had good weather, fertile soil, and was almost always sunny. The Donner brothers were prosperous farmers who wanted an adventure. Tamsen, George’s wife, wanted to start an all-girl’s academy in California. A friend of theirs, James Frazier Reed, was going to go with the Donners. He brought along an over-sized wagon for his family. He was going to bring his mother-in-law who was seventy and in ill health. All three families had hired help for the trip, as they were quite wealthy. They brought along sixteen children altogether. They were called the Donner Party because George Donner was their chosen leader.
They left Springfield, Illinois on April 14, 1846. In May, they reached Independence, Missouri. They joined forces with another California-bound family, the parents of whom were Peggy and Patrick Breen. They had seven children ranging from one to fourteen. They had discovered that U.S. and Mexico declared war. On May 29, James Reed’s mother-in-law, Grandmother Keyes, passed away. Later on, they met James Clyman who was coming back from California. James Clyman was part of Hastings’ group. Clyman told the Donner party and other travelers to take the regular wagon route and to stay away from the Hasting’s cutoff. “It is barely possible to get through if you follow it and it may be impossible if you don't.” They celebrated the 4th of July in Fort Laramie, Wyoming. They left Fort Laramie on July 6 for Fort Bridger.
When they reached Fort Bridger, they had found out about the Hastings cutoff, which was supposed to save them 350-400 miles. They took the Hastings cutoff after discussing it with the group and left Fort Bridger on July 31. They arrived at Weber Canyon on August 6th and found another note telling them to take another route through the Wasatch Mountains to the Great Salt Lake. They joined the Graves’ group of thirteen people. They received another note from Hastings on September 1st that said to collect food and water before leaving Skull Valley. They were running out of supplies so they told Charles Stanton and William McCutchen to ride ahead to buy more supplies and come back to the group.
On October 5th, James Reed stabbed and killed John Snyder with a knife after Snyder lashed Reed’s wife with a heavy bullwhip. They had banished Reed from the wagon train. His wife and family continued the trip with out him. William Eddy and Milt Elliot promised him that they would take care of his family. In mid-October, James Reed met Charles Stanton who was returning to the group with supplies. Stanton and two Indians reached the Donner Party on Oct. 19th. Reed then reached Sutter Fort, where he found McCutchen recovering. Reed and McCutchen went to Johnson’s, then Sutter’s Fort for help.
On October 31, the Donner Party reached the summit of the Sierra Nevada Mountain range. They made an attempt to cross, but they failed because of all the snow, so they had set up winter camp at Donner Lake. The Donner family had set up camp at Alder Creek valley, five miles away. There was so much snow that they would sink to their hips at each step. They could not get across the summit so Charles Stanton and Billy Graves made fourteen pairs of snowshoes. Jacob Donner died on December 15, a day before the snowshoers headed out. Known as the “Forlorn Hope,” the fifteen members had put on the snowshoes and headed for Sutter’s Fort. On Christmas Eve, a blizzard raged down on them and Billy Graves died. The snowshoers ran out of food so they had to eat the corpses of the dead bodies. William Foster even shot and killed two Indians to eat.
James Reed had been at Southern California to seek help, but no help was available because those who could help were occupied in driving Mexicans out of California. Reed and McCutchen raised $1,300 for supplies. They headed off to the Donner Lake in February with provisions, telling Woodworth to follow behind them with more supplies.  William Eddy, a part of the “Forlorn Hope,” reached Sutter’s Fort on January 17, 1847.  He is one of seven survivors of the “Forlorn Hope” group. Eddy went back up the summit with help. Reed also goes up the summit with provisions and rescue teams. There were 4 rescue teams altogether.
In the end, there were forty-six people rescued in April 1847. Only eighteen people of the thirty-two original Donner Party from Springfield had survived and reached California. The story of the Donner Party had spread quickly across the country. Year by year, there has been in increase of tourist attraction near the Donner Pass. Today, the Donners will be remembered with their courageous acts of survival that were passed into history and legends.

I just wanted to know if how they survived was clear, cause apparently it wasn't to my social studies teacher? (he revised it once, but i don't get what's wrong with it)

[lolthissiteisfun...]

If that was the problem I would add more describing what life was like each day for them. Like how they kept warm, and did they kill the people or what. I would just add more in that area of the paper to keep the teacher happy.

I might also add more of an introduction, but that's just an opinion.

[juliar]

I think you should have spent more time on what they had to do to survive, because alot of teachers scan first, then they read in depth. That may have been what your teacher was talking about.

[jennyjenny]

eep, my project was already due today and i wasn't on when i saw the replies.

this topic can be closed, though.