Untitled. |
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| *Azarel* |
 Dec 27 2004, 05:46 PM
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#1
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good old mum and dad
always tell me how stupid and worthless that i am never good enough and it finally starts to affect me when the tears start to run down the street away from here i can run from this life this shame and this pain never ceases to end it's so unreal ill never truly escape from this nightmare is never-ending it's only a lie such an ugly life a bad lie never fools anyone but it seems to me that ive fooled everyone that knows me thinks that im okay it's fine by me that everyone believes my life is perfect only in my dreams but this is not a dream this is a dirty nightmare from which i cannot escape from reality cant run from the truth but if this is whats real then i don't believe in anything theres nothing left for me ive got nothing in this life to live for but i gotta pull through for me myself and i only want one thing i only ask for one simple wish and that would be to die and run away from this and find a beautiful oblivion where nothing is shameful and nothing is painful where nothing is real except my love Purposely left untitled; written about seven months ago in e.e.cumming's style. The stanzas are supposed to run into each other. Feedback? |
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Dec 27 2004, 07:15 PM
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#2
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Brie  Group: Staff Alumni Posts: 10,172 Joined: Jun 2004 Member No: 20,548 |
Wow, Anna.. I really like that.
Easy to relate to. A nice, flowing read. Very well-written. Nice job. =) |
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Dec 27 2004, 08:47 PM
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#3
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 my <3 is in Ohio Group: Member Posts: 899 Joined: Jul 2004 Member No: 27,599 |
that's really good! i can relate to it and it flows well
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| *Azarel* |
Dec 27 2004, 10:08 PM
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#4
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^ I think you're echoing everything Brie says. Don't spam.
 Thanks Brie. (: |
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Dec 28 2004, 01:18 AM
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#5
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 Bardic Nation Group: Member Posts: 1,113 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 38,059 |
cliche and shallow im afraid of giving lower than a 2. you're on the fence.
from 1-10 i give it a 1/2 |
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| *Azarel* |
Dec 28 2004, 04:55 AM
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#6
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^ If you're going to say it sucks, you could at least give me things to improve on, buddy.
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Jan 1 2005, 01:43 AM
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#7
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 The Bone Collector Group: Member Posts: 2,860 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 44,162 |
It is really nice, but the poem seems like it breaks. Lol, i doubt you know what im tlaking about, but its okay, it is still good! Very passionate, and dark. Love it.
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Jan 1 2005, 04:04 AM
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#8
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Bardic Nation Group: Member Posts: 1,113 Joined: Aug 2004 Member No: 38,059 |
I did i said it's shallow meaning use more metaphors and similes. Easy to relate to on a regular level is not the sign of a good poem. It has to reach deeper. I said it's cliche meaning that everyone one and their mother has written one almost exactly like this, try making yours unique. buddy
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